before and after

this is a big week for me.

i reached my goal of losing seventy pounds before the end of this year. i had dreams about it for about a week before the scale actually tipped, and i kept imagining my facebook status that i would write when i reached that magical number.

secondly, i finished P90X today. for those of you who are unfamiliar with what that means, P90X is a heavy duty video workout program that includes 12 different workout routines. you rotate them in a particular order for 13 weeks and hopefully you'll be in the best shape of your life when you finish.

you're encouraged to take BEFORE pictures when you first start P90X, which i did. then you can take AFTER pics to help you really see how far you've come. i wish i'd taken some before pics of me when i first started dieting, like they do on "the biggest loser" show, but i never would have wanted to be seen in a sports bra at the size i was.

i've arranged some before and after pics to show my progress.

2003

april 2011 - weight 205

september 2011

april 2012 after losing about 35 lbs

july 2012
i've been doing some leg workouts and i think it's starting to show.

my winter coat isn't going to work if it's big enough for brooke and i to wear together.

might be time for some new pants.

september 2012. current weight 131.

sept 2012

before - june 2012 before starting P90X
after - september 30, 2012 completed P90X
i had already lost 50 lbs in the before picture. i lost 20 more during the 13 weeks of  doing P90X.

june 2012/sept 2012

this one might be my favorite because until yesterday, i never knew my back and shoulders looked like that. i've never been muscley, so this is pretty exciting for me.

people keep asking me "what's next?" now that i've reached my goals. i guess the answer is that i keep on going. i don't want to be big again and i don't want to be unhealthy again. so i'll keep on eating right and making enough healthy choices to keep my weight under control. i'll keep on working out because, dang it's nice to fit into little clothes and be able to do things i'd had to stop doing for the ten years i was fat. maybe i'll do another round of P90X or maybe i'll switch it up and do lots of different styles of workouts. i know i love yoga and weight training now, so there are possibilities for more of that. maybe one of these days i'll learn how to run for more than 20 feet without being chased by anything scary. 

i don't know. i just know that i'm feeling pretty good about things as they are right now and i want the good to keep going.

hooty munchables

as most of you know, i've been dieting for the past 8 months. i've lost 65 lbs so far and i'm down 5 pants sizes. these are good things and i'm very proud of how hard i've worked to make the shrinkage happen.

however, there are some very non-glamorous aspects of weight loss that i hadn't anticipated when i got started.

first of all, people talk about my body all the time now. whether it's family members, friends, or people i barely even know, they all seem to feel free to discuss the size of my bits. generally it's flattering and nice things are said, but sometimes it ruins my mental image of myself pre-diet where i thought i carried my weight well and still looked presentable.

people haven't talked about my body this much since i was twenty-one and working in night clubs on the weekends. back then it was mostly comments like, "girl, yo booty's so fine i wanna bounce up outta here and git witchoo in my truck outside." or, "oh my gah, your knockers are so huge! are they real? can i touch them? i've been thinking about getting mine done, but my fiance thinks i'll leave him for another guy if he buys boobs for me." (this last one most often happened in the bathroom at a club whilst reapplying lipstick and straightening out our cleavage after doing 8 shots of goldschlager off the ice block.

one of the things i've discovered at this stage of the weight loss game is that my skin is not bouncing back. it's getting a little bit of a crepe papery consistency in certain places. think streamers for skin along certain body parts. i cut myself while shaving all the time now. what once was all padded, rounded tree trunks is now angular, knobby knees just asking to be sliced and diced as i drag that razor around my legs.

my poor butt has shrunk to the point that it's almost flat. there's some nice gluteus maximus action happening in there, but the curves are gone. as a result, the skin doesn't fit properly anymore, causing there to be folds at times when i sit. i can't sit comfortably in a hard chair for any length of time and i've resorted to sitting on an exercise ball instead of a desk chair when i'm at my computer. the worst part is when a chunk of my formerly round butt folds over on itself as i'm sitting my down onto something, causing me to gasp, wince and reach down to adjust things, just like an old dude who's accidentally sat on a testicle. very unglamorous.

my plump, lush breasticles are shriveling up at an alarming rate. when i take off my bra to release my after dinner boobs, there's a drop of several inches and then a sway that keeps going like ripples on the water. most of my bras are baggy now and sometimes, when i look down my shirt to admire what was once a luscious garden of ladydom, i see instead wrinkly meat bags hanging in my shirt, looking very sad and used up.

in the past when i lost weight, i managed to keep the hoots looking fresh and roundish, though slightly long in the tooth due to the great weight they maintained. i got thin, but still had two nice, full D cups perched upon my chest. in hindsight, i had nothing to do with that, it was just a lovely side effect of being busty and youthful.

apparently, 37 no longer qualifies as youthful and at the rate i'm going, i won't qualify as busty anymore by the time christmas rolls around.

too often now i discover what i've termed "yoga boob" on my chest. it's when you're wearing a sports bra and doing something active, like leaning forward and reaching out your arms. when you next stand upright, the girls are up, out the top of your bra, but not in a pretty boobie sort of way, but there they are, folded, twisted and stuck, looking defective.

i'm afraid i might find myself wadding up rags or clumps of dismantled stuffed animal fluff to fill out the gaping space in my non-sporty bras. at this point, i could fit a ham and cheese sandwich into each cup, so maybe i could utilize that possibility and make my bras into mobile snack storage units. maybe some sliced apples on one side and some low-fat yogurt in a ziploc baggy in the other.

we'll be at walmart for an overdue shopping trip and brooke will complain that she's hungry. i've stopped carrying my massive suitcase sized purses lately in favor of my cute little hand bags, so i no longer have a lunch box quantity of food and beverages hanging from my arm.

instead, i'll have the food hanging on my chest. i'll bring out a couple slices of cheese, warm and slightly melty, but probably still edible. i'll dig a bit deeper into the neckline of my shirt and find that roll of smarties that somehow found its way under my left lady lump. most of the candy is still in the wrapper and the ones that got away just look like extra nipples now.

on the right side i'll find some crackers that are partially intact and a couple pieces of pepperoni stuck together and oozing grease.

i'll plunk the mess onto a linty tissue i find in my dinky purse and hand this gourmet meal to my starving child. "there ya go. munchables, straight from my heart."

i'm not invisible

i got married in my early twenties. i was younger than a lot of girls, but i'd dated a lot of different guys and i felt confident that i knew what i was looking for and that i'd found it when i met chris.

before i was married, i felt like a confident, self-sufficient woman of the world who could handle anything that came my way. i had a lot to say and an opinion about most subjects, which i felt free to share any time with anyone.

my husband is very good at holding his tongue and over time, i learned to keep my mouth shut until i'd filtered my thoughts through my brain and decided they were worth spilling out onto the people around me. i think this is a good quality most of the time.

i learned how to delay any real decisions until such time as i had discussed them with chris. he's never been demanding about how i spent time or money, but it seemed reasonable to share those decisions rather than just rashly do whatever i felt like without thought to the other half of my partnership.

then i became a mommy. it was what i'd always wanted and i was very happy to have my little girl. my life revolved around brooke and her needs.

over the years, it seems like more and more of my self has vanished as i've dedicated myself to caring for my family. i ate what they liked, i slept when i needed to sleep so that i could best accommodate the lives of my husband and kid. i go where they want to go and watch what they like to watch.

as a larger woman, i've dressed in a way that would blend in to the background and i didn't do anything to draw attention to myself because i didn't want anyone to look at me and think the fat girl was getting out of hand. if i was invisible, no one would notice all the ways i was lacking.

when i think back to the time when i felt most like i knew who i was and was in control of my own life, i picture a big mouthed, hootchie-dressed, smoking girl, with super-high heels. i see long acrylic nails, red lipstick and sleeping til noon.

i like that girl, but those things don't fit me anymore. there has to be a way to rediscover or rebuild myself into a current version that will work for my life and not leaving me feeling like i only exist for the services i perform for others. i want a sense of self-satisfaction that isn't about anyone else, but isn't totally selfish either.

this year has been a time for me to start figuring that out. i still don't know what direction it's going to take, but i'm putting some time and effort into exploring my options. i've made myself more of a priority than i have in many years and it feels good.

maybe eventually i'll figure it out. i don't think the new me looks like either of those girls up above. i think she looks more like this. and she's not invisible.

God won't let me go naked

Five months ago, i had just started dieting. i wasn't entirely sure how it was going to go or if i'd be successful, but i was determined. i remember saying to my mom that i didn't know what i'd do if i shrunk out of all my clothes. i can't afford to buy new ones just because the older ones don't fit anymore. she assured me that God wouldn't let me go naked.

i've been volunteering with a thing my church does called "the closet." it's a place where anyone can drop off clothing or linen donations, much like goodwill, but instead of selling the items cheaply, everything is free to anyone who needs it. they have shopping days 4 times a year and everyone who comes in can take what they need for their family. i love this organization. i've donated tons of our clothes and brooke and i work there - sorting, organizing, carrying, hanging, painting, helping customers, etc. 

this place has also been a wonderful source of clothes for us this year. i can't wear anything from last summer unless i'm able to tailor it. i've cut down a few things, but not everything can be altered by me, by hand and i really needed a lot of new things.

today i got to do some shopping in there and i got a whole bunch of stuff, including some things for brooke and i to wear to my sister's wedding next month. i even got a pair of brand new, gorgeous heels that are exactly what i need for the couple dressy things i own. and might i also mention that the quality of my clothing has improved tremendously since i started getting second hand stuff. i've never even tried anything on in ann taylor or banana republic or some of the expensive department stores, but now i've got all that pretty, high quality stuff hanging in my closet and it was either free or really cheap from goodwill.

on a separate, but related note, i started doing P90X three weeks ago. a few months ago, i never would have been able to do most of it, but i'm keeping up fairly well, though there's room for improvement. i've lost 54 pounds now and i think i'm physically stronger than i've ever been in my life. free weights are new to me, but i like them. it's kind of cool to be able to see muscles popping in my arms and legs. and i'm discovering that i have bones that i'd almost forgotten about. collar bones, shoulder bones, hips, ribs. so exciting.

i feel like my life has gotten bigger as my body has gotten smaller. when i was fat, i wanted to be physically invisible. i wanted to wear baggy, plain, uninteresting clothes to avoid drawing the eyes of anyone i didn't know. i avoided doing fun or silly things that might cause my fat to jiggle. 

so many things have changed for me internally as i've changed externally that i'm wondering why it took me so long to do it. then again, the shrinking world sneaks in, a little piece at a time, not all at once, so that you almost don't notice it until you've gotten used to it. and i wouldn't appreciate the changes as much if i hadn't lived life in chubbytown for ten years.

i'm so glad that God didn't want me to look frumpy or go naked.

a cautionary tattoo tale

i've been thinking lately about the many, many foolish choices i made in my early twenties. there was an abundance and i made them all with the reckless abandon that only the young fool does. i had been fairly careful about my choices up to that point in time with only a slight swerve into the fast-moving naughty lane before my twentieth birthday.

i look pretty normal here, don't i?
but underneath that calm exterior lay the makings of a party girl.

but when i turned twenty, i decided that i was done with the good and i was headed as quick as i could find it, into the bad. i boycotted church and started swearing excessively. i dated men who weren't future husband material and cut and dyed my hair into unacceptable colors and styles.

one of the things i decided i needed to try was body art. i got my belly button pierced and then passed out when i stood up. fortunately, the 18 year old guy who'd clamped and stabbed my navel knew enough to slide me gently down the counter where i'd flopped like a boneless jellyfish and then give me a coke when i woke up.

i got my tongue pierced a few months later, which wasn't particularly smart since it was only a few days before thanksgiving. my tongue swelled up and left me with a lisp that was hard to hide when speaking with people, like my grandma. and i couldn't indulge in anything but cranberry sauce because chewing was pretty much out of the question. i decided to take that piercing out after one night when i was making out with a guy who suddenly pulled away from my face, reached into his mouth and pulled the ball from the top of my tongue barbell off his tongue and handed it to me.

piercings though, are just beginner stuff. they're removable and can be denied once you get tired of them. tattoos though, hold a whole different realm of stupid possibilities. don't get me wrong, i like tattoos a lot. i like the artistic aspect and the way they can mark a significant event in your life.

however, the way i went about getting tattoos wasn't artistic or significant. i decided all of a sudden, to find the name of a tattoo shop in the yellow pages and then go there. i went alone and didn't give any prior thought to what was going to be put permanently on my skin. i picked some flowers out of a book. they were boring and poorly done, but they live on my ankle for anyone to see when the weather is warm.

having a tattoo made me feel like a tough guy. like i was part of the cool kids' club, even though my ink was meaningless and tacky. i decided about a year later to get another one. i was determined to do better on my second round in the tattoo chair and i chose to put it in a location where it wouldn't be visible so often. i picked my lower stomach.

obviously, for a woman, that's a bad choice of body real estate, even if you're young and thin and can't imagine ever having kids. twenty year olds know nothing.

you see that smiling face and belly shirt? yeah, that was me, happy and stupid and about to show off my sneaky stomach tattoo. please disregard the huge beeper in my pocket.

i did my best to clean up these pics so you can make out what that ridiculous mousey looked like when it was fresh and new. you can see how perfectly it fit under my bikini bottom so that it always stayed hidden.

that was fine and dandy for a while, but a few years later, i got pregnant. and once i was pregnant, all hell broke lose with that tattoo. it ceased to be a cute little mousey and instead stretched out into something alarming and grotesque.

i actually got brave enough to take a picture of it tonight. a few months ago, i never would have considered it, but i've lost 48 lbs to date and i can see it now, so i am once again aware of its existence regularly. being thinner though, hasn't helped it to become any less ugly.

as i was taking the pictures, i kept thinking they were blurry. then i realized that the photo was perfectly clear, it's just that now it looks like an underwater sewer rat. or a jacked up elephant.

so let this be a cautionary tale for anyone considering a tattoo. be very careful about the location of your potential ink. if you don't have a good reason and location for it, then forget it and go get something pierced instead.

standing room only clothes

i've had to give entirely too much thought to clothing lately. and i'm finding that i'm not really a fan of clothes. i mean, i don't prefer nudity, but i like to not think about clothes almost at all. if i could wear stretchy pants and a baggy t-shirt and no bra all the time, i'd be quite satisfied with that.

alas, dressing like that looks like crap and makes your body look even blobbier than it already is. as i've been losing weight (36 lbs so far) i've been shrinking out of all my clothes. for a while i could wear belts to compensate, but i'm down two sizes now and i just need new clothes. i've not become any wealthier as i've become skinnier though, so new clothes aren't really in the budget. what's a girl to do? she heads to goodwill. and thankfully there's one fairly close to my house that's filled with the beautiful castoffs of our rich neighbors.

i'm having to remember as i shop that there are different types of clothing. there are standing pants and sitting pants. standing shirts and sitting shirts. there are even standing/sitting bras. the standing pants are the ones that look fine when you're standing up. they feel acceptable, but God forbid you wear them on a day when you're going to spend most of your day seated. those things work like a tourniquet for your waistline and will just about cut you in half, especially if you've eaten recently. they're great though for a day at the mall or a park where you'll be mainly in an upright position and shunning food. these are the pants you want to be photographed wearing.

standing shirts are close fitting and show the outline of your body which emphasizes how you actually do have a waist that dips in between your bust and hips. however, you don't want to be caught sitting down in one of these shirts because, well, because it shows the outline of your body. and when sitting down, everything in your middle condenses, causing things to bulge about in a very unflattering way. it hugs lumps and dispels any possible question as to whether or not you might be pregnant. because pregnant bellies don't have multiple rolls like you do. these shirts are best worn while standing up and with your hands on your hips. sitting shirts are more forgiving and can even be paired with standing pants as long as proper care is taken when seated to make sure that the shirt is flowing outward adequately so as not to get caught in any fat cracks.

bras are another one of those dumb clothing items that have standing/sitting preferences. underwires are better while standing, while something without a wire is better when you'll be seated for most of the hours that you're wearing it. those pesky wires can be quite disagreeable when they're poking you in the ribs or armpit, but they sure do make the girls look young and perky if you're standing up.

i hope there aren't any cameras in the dressing rooms that i frequent because it probably looks like i'm engaged in a game of musical chairs with myself as i try things on. for every item that i slip into, i position myself in front of the mirror and then do a stand up - sit down routine while watching each garment closely to see how it behaves. this is truly a challenge when there's no seat in the changing room. i have to do an imitation sit-down and try to hold myself in that squatty position for long enough to get a good look at how the clothing is hugging my bits. i've got to be careful not to purchase too many of those standing room only garments or i'll never be able to sit down again. or at least not until i lose some more weight and they get re-purposed from standing to sitting clothes.

my new job

i've been pretty quiet on my blog about my new job. what? you haven't heard about my new job? oh, well, let me tell you about it. it's called, "stop being a fat girl." yes, that is my job title and i'm taking it very seriously. i'm waiting for my dedication to be rewarded with a great benefits package.

maybe dieting and weight loss don't constitute a full time job for other people, but for me, it seems to have eaten my brain and i feel compelled to work at it night and day.

my latest thing is that i run everywhere. and by run everywhere, i mean that i actually don't run at all, except down the stairs and across the house to the bathroom about 37 times a day because i've got to unleash the huge quantities of water that i'm drinking. that might not seem like a long way to run, but there are approximately 67 steps from my room to my bathroom (probably a few less when i'm taking graceful doe leaps as i race delicately across the house), so i feel like that counts as a little bit of a workout.

and when i come back up to my room, i run up all 17 steps. and by run, i don't mean sprinting two steps at a time and emerging at the top with both fists held high and a look of achievement on my face. it's more of a boob hugging jog as i lean forward and try to think about other things to distract myself from what my body is doing. but at least i'm not creeping slowly to the top whilst pulling myself hand-over-hand on the railing like i used to do.

so far i've lost 27 lbs and in just one more pound, i'll have returned to my pre-baby weight.     about. dang. time.      unfortunately, my parts seem to be packaged differently than they were before baby came along ten years ago. i thought i'd stop being jiggly and blobby, but so far, the blobs have just gotten smaller and the jiggles remain, but they flap more sedately than they used to.

i've heard from some people that i shouldn't weigh myself every day, but i cannot stop myself. even before my eyes pop open in the morning, i'm already thinking about the scale. i lay on my back and feel my hip bones and ribs to see if they feel like they're closer to the surface than they were yesterday. i roll over to my side and feel my hip bone and admire the way it's pokier than it was just 2 months ago.

then i get up and do the peepee dance around my room for a few minutes. i don't let myself even descend to the first floor until i hear a noise emerge from my midsection that sounds vaguely like a huge semi-truck on a distant highway rumbling. that's a sure sign that i'm sufficiently hungry and that i'll probably be able to unload some extra weight in the bathroom before getting on my scale. then i grab my clothes and dash down the stairs and through the obstacle course to the bathroom, not stopping to speak to anyone and hoping no cats are in my path as i fly through the rooms.

i eat food still, but probably only half of what i used to consume. and i only eat healthy things now rather than any ole thing that looks or smells good. i made it through valentine's day without indulging and i haven't caved to any easter candy yet either.

my clothes don't fit, which is a blessing and a curse. i'm really happy, but it's hard to get dressed each day, particularly when i'm going somewhere and i'd like to look nice. all my clothes make me look even dumpier than i did before. my motto in clothes buying used to be that the fabric shouldn't touch my body, in hopes that no one would know how much air was floating around between my shirt and my flab, thereby enhancing my mystery and possibly tricking people into believing that i was perhaps thinner than i appeared.

two sizes down and one more to go before august. i'm hoping that i'll be on such a roll that i'll just keep on going and lose maybe a total of about 75 lbs before i'm done.

a girl can dream, can't she?

self improvement in 2012

i used to hear people say things around new years like "well last year was a really bad year. i hope next year will be better." and i never really grasped the concept of a "bad year" until a couple years ago. right as we rang in 2010, one of our cars died. never to be resuscitated. i thought it would be only a brief foray into being a single car family, but here we are more than 2 years later still with only our vanny to share.

right after the car died, chris developed auto immune disease and lost the hearing in one of his ears and found out that he was pre-diabetic, so it seemed like everything for him changed all of a sudden. and as his life changed, so did mine, but it certainly didn't feel like it was for the better.

so 2010 was a rotten year of learning to adjust to new norms. i hated all of them. i was so glad when 2010 was over and i was hopeful that 2011 would be better. however, as the year progressed, chris' health got even worse and brooke was doing badly with school which, as a homeschooling mom, left me feeling extremely frustrated and often helpless and stuck. but in june, we packed up and moved all of a sudden. we left behind a few friends, but for the most part, our lives there had been feeling like we were at a dead-end for a while and we desperately needed something to change.

we moved in with the in-laws and have worked our way through some adjustments. it's hard to live with other people, but chris' health has improved quite a bit and that's worth a lot to me. but i've been feeling stuck here too. it's time to stop just being as i've always been. stop living my life simply in reaction to the needs of the people around me.

2012 is going to be my year of self improvement. i stopped swearing. i've got tons of will power when it comes to decisions i'm really ready to make, so that hasn't been too hard.

i've started volunteering with a group that's associated with my church to provide clothing to people who are too poor to purchase clothes. brooke's going with me each time i work too, so i'm setting a good example for her of learning to take care of other people even if they're not technically our responsibility.

i got to the dermatologist and my skin is loving the new products i'm using. for the first time in over a year, i've been able to spend days without makeup covering my face just to make me presentable.

a couple weeks ago, something happened to a family member and it was life changing for me. it's not my story to share publicly, so i won't, but it made me desperate for answers from a supernatural source because there were no good answers to be found in the world around me. so i dug into my bible like i haven't done in far too long. and i opened back up a relationship with Jesus that i have neglected. that's definitely an improvement in my life.

my sister sarah asked me to be in her wedding in august. of course i'm happy to do so, and it gave me exactly the kick in the pants that i needed to start getting in shape. i've dropped most of the bad foods and added in many healthy ones. i've started exercising every day and already, in just 3 weeks, i've lost 10 lbs. i've also started eating barley powder again, but that's a story for another post.

all in all, i can feel my life shifting in a much more positive direction. i've never been one who's always looking for ways to change and improve myself and clearly, that's why so many things have been wrong for so long. but this is a new year and today is a new day.

and by august, i'll be ready to wear whatever dress sarah decides to put me in. here's the picture she sent me today as a possible option for the wedding party. won't we look awesome?