Wednesday, September 28, 2011

after dinner dumplings

i've been wearing bras for 27 years now and i've got to be honest - i'm really sick of them. they were super exciting 27 years ago when i started out with the white, stretchy variety. then during my teenage years, they were something that was fun to shop for because of the cute patterns and styling options. in my early twenties, i still could wear the semi-cute ones, but since my guava growth continued into my late twenties, i was soon fighting a losing battle against the bras. i went from having thingamaJIGS to thingamaJUGS. if i got the kind that looked good to my guy then either a strap would be slipping or i'd be sliding out the front every time i bent forward. and once you slide out, either you're stuck with that tacky muffin top ta-ta or you have to reach in there and jiggle them back into the proper position.

sports bras are no good for me for a couple reasons. 1 - it's hard to find one that stretches far enough to accommodate them without overspillage or intense back-fat squeezing problems. and 2 - they give major uniboob which looks odd in my shirt and causes excessive sweating. it's like the coconut canal flowing through there.

the bra options aren't great once your boobs grow to the size of mine. you can walk through a bra store, admiring all the pretty options, but none of them are available in my size. the ones that come in my size? they're mostly what you'd picture your grandma wearing if you ever pictured your grandma in a brassiere. or once in a while i can find a cute one, but when i try it on, it doesn't fit right. too tight or too stabby. too low or too pinchy. so back i go to the standard blah choice where the most exciting option is a color. oh yes please, i'll take that ugly cotton one in blue, tan, white, black, gray and one with little periwinkle flowers all over.

for the past few years, i've spent most of the time that i'm home in the free swinging zinger zone. people might show up to my house to visit, but if i didn't have advance notice, i wasn't going to be wrangling myself into a flopper-stopper before i could answer the door. since we've moved in with my in-laws, i've felt rather weird about that. i've come to the conclusion that while i can't maintain my braless state all day every day when i'm living here, i can only be expected to keep the sweater meat tamped down for so many hours per day. therefore, i've implemented the "after-dinner-boobs" standard for myself.

that means i have to wear a bra all day even if i never walk out the door until dinner is over. then i'm permitted to shuck it off like the irksome irritant that it is. from that time forward, i can release them like free range chickens to wander where they will until morning.


  1. wow! I never find any with periwinkle flowers..Only black, beige or white.

    By the way, I got your card! Thanks so much. It was perfect! It may show up on my blog one of these days!

  2. I prefer free-range boobs as well but I have a minor issue in which most women assume I am always cold and most men assume I am always horny.

    Even with a bra, I encounter this problem. Therefore I have to wear a padded bra even though the padding is a bit redundant.

    Large boobs with pointy tips are about as subtle a Lady Gaga outfit so I do my best to not look like an armless person constantly pointing at something.

  3. I totally agree. I really am tired of not having cute (sexy) bras. It's just sad when my sexy under-out-fit means I'm wearing a matching set. My bonus with the in-law situation is that it's only my mother-in-law. I'm never supportive at home.

  4. Paragraph three - exactly!!!!! great opportunity for some enteprener!

  5. Why do they have to be pretty? Nobody sees them, do they?

  6. eva, i'm glad you liked it & it made it safely. if you want periwinkle flowers, you might have to go to lane bryant.

    nari, you are cracking me up! mine tend to do that too often as well, but i can't find padded ones that work either, so away i go with nips on parade.

    micki, i'm glad you MIL doesn't give you any grief about keeping them under wraps at home. and we need some sexy bras, to heck with practical only!

    middlechild, you don't do any designing on the side, do you? you're right that it would be good for someone to work out the kinks. we'd buy them!

    george, my husband see them. and i see them. no woman wants her husband to yawn or crinkle his nose when she takes off her shirt. bras can make it or break it for us.

  7. My husband came into the bedroom this morning dangling my bra off his finger. I had removed it somewhere in the house last night in frustration.

  8. Ok...two suggestions you may have already tried: Freya and Fantasie. When I was in the Gigantic Twin Peaks phase of my life, these were a lifesaver in my young marriage! They still aren't as cute as many, and they're expensive, but they fit well and I felt much better in them. I'm the kind of gal who wears a bra all the bed...everything! Ticks my husband right off. I know, I'm a freak.

  9. I don't have these same problems, but I can totally relate to the changes over time. Ultimately I think you should be skipping the bra altogether. All day. Every day. Just forget it. Too much trouble.

  10. Oh I feel your pain. Today I went to buy some new bras and discovered that La Vie en Rose doesn't even carry my size. Back to La Senza I go.

    What I don't understand is that they're not really that big. I see many, many women every day with much larger ladies. So where the hell are they getting their bras? Why is it so hard to find a decent bra to fit the upper half of the population? Seriously, the market niche must be huge - why isn't someone taking advantage of it?

  11. SWEATER MEAT! Sherilin, marry me.

    Wonderful, it was like you had taken my thoughts and put them on your blog. I shuck that thing off every night after I put the kids to bed. I usually wrangle it out of my shirt, and throw it down on the floor like it's the piece of uncomfortable CRAP that it is.

  12. nubian, i tend to lose mine around the house too. down the crack of the couch, on the printer, under the kitchen table. nowhere is off limits.
    burkulator, you wear one to bed? the only time i ever did that was when brooke was freshly hatched & they were leaking like shower heads through the night. sometimes i couldn't stand it, so i'd take it off anyway & layer my bed with plastic & towels just knowing i'd soak it all up. i haven't tried the brands you mention. never heard of them, actually.
    marianna, i think time affects all of us, even the small busted ladies. and i'm with you. let's burn the bras!
    ixy, it just doesn't seem right, does it? someone could make a killing if they'd just make us busty ladies a better bra!
    karen... YES! but what will our husbands say? we can shuck our crappy bras right to the ground by the front door when we walk in the house each day. forget a coat rack, we'll have the wifely bra rack.

  13. Thanks very much for giving me a variety of choices when it comes to what to call "knockers" (I think "guava growth" is my favorite).
    On a similar note, not that I'm "gifted" (I'm not-it has more to do with the ravages of time rather than studliness), I have to be careful not to just throw my sneakers on before I dash out the door to Dairy Queen (I LOVE Blizzards! Except the Halloween Owl kind).
    Conversation between me and the suffering Mrs. Penwasser:
    "Ow, damn! My nuts are killing me!!!"
    "What do you mean?"
    "Every time I take a step, it feels like someone is going all Mike Tyson on my balls."
    "Let me take a look....oh, THERE'S your problem!"
    "Just make sure you tuck your nutsack away before you put on shoes. One of the 'boys' managed to slip in under your heel."
    "And you might want to trim up those nose hairs, too."

  14. lol!! Glad I took time to stop in today. This post is amazing, and completely true!!

    Although recently I seem to be having the opposite problem... my Jugs are becoming Teeny Tatas with all my weight loss. Yet, my tummy is still as flabby as can be! Not fair! :)

  15. Sweater meat...I love that! I always wear a regular bra under my sports bra when I work out because I've never been able to find a sports bra with enough hold to keep the girls from bouncing.

  16. al, as per usual, i don't know whether to laugh at your comment or crinkle my nose up into an ew face. way to be consistent!
    sunny, when i lose weight, that's the one place i don't lose. the rest of me can melt away, but the girls are here to stay. and welcome back, btw.
    paula, i think we should bring the phrase "sweater meat" into the common vernacular. it has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? and TWO bras?!?! i think i'll let them bounce.

  17. Ugh, I hate wearing bras. I only wear them if I'm leaving the house and they are the second thing to come off after I kick my shoes off when I get home!

  18. Ixy hit the nail on the head. I mean seriously do they only make bras for 12 year olds anywhere anymore? I quit wearing them altogether in favor of the shelf tank top. Though I do have a couple on hand for hubby's enjoyment. Even then he could care less if I wear one or not as long as he can get his hands on 'em. TMI? While the tank is not ideal it is a step up from nothing and the sports bra, especially if you are just too uncomfortable (though I am guessing it is more for their comfort?) to fly free in front of MIL & FIL. For this reason only, I am so NOT looking forward to the nursing days when one has no choice but to wear one. Ah, well. And why does Lane Bryant have to make them so they push up into your neck, btw?

  19. My daughter wears her bras to bed. She says it's more comfortable. I don't understand that. Oh, I hate muffin top ta tas, though I didn't realize they had a name.
    I can't wear sports bras either. Uniboob just looks bizarre.


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