belly baby

this post is not going to be entertaining and you will not leave here laughing your abs off. if you're not in the mood for some raw & honest emotions, feel free to click away, baby, click away.

when we had been married for a couple years, i decided that i needed to have a baby. i told that story over here, so if you're interested you can check it out. it took a couple years and a some fertility testing and treatments (including a sperm donation from my husband) before we eventually got pregnant with brooke.

we decided that if we were going to have the one, we would like her to have a sibling so she wouldn't be a bored, selfish only child, and we wanted that second child to be close to brooke's age, so our goal was to have the kids 2 years or less apart. almost as soon as brooke was born, we were ready to try again for baby number 2, but once again, we had no success at getting pregnant.

2 years went by with no luck, so we decided that as long as the kids could be 3 years or less apart, it would be fine. at least then brooke wouldn't be an only child. shortly after brooke's second birthday, i got pregnant. i was still doing the whole temperature charting, ovulation predicting thing, so i knew i was pregnant within just a few days of it happening.

i was looking forward to the time when i was far enough along to take a pregnancy test and see the positive results. i waited a few weeks because i was busy and i already knew in my mind that the results were positive, so there wasn't a big rush. then one day i started bleeding and cramping and i rushed to the store for a test. the result was a very weak positive, but it told me my baby was really there. unfortunately the bleeding continued and i resigned myself to the fact that was having a miscarriage.

i tried to block out the emotional distress. i went on about my life as if nothing was happening and i didn't talk about it very much. i took care of brooke every day, but i couldn't focus on anything except my lost baby.

three months later, i was pregnant again. it was 3 years to the day of when i'd gotten a positive result on a pregnancy test with brooke & that felt to me like a good sign. i was going to have 2 kids 3 years apart and one of my best friends had just found out she was pregnant a week earlier, so there was the extra excitement of sharing my pregnancy with her. i felt confident that this one was going to work. i didn't let myself dwell on the miscarriage, i just prayed and trusted that this was the who was going to complete our little family.

 a few weeks later, the bleeding started again. and it was painful. i went to a doctor who told me that yes i was pregnant, but that the baby had died before the heartbeat could be detected. i probably wouldn't need a d&c, i just needed to wait for it to pass.

this time, i was eaten up with the grief. i was devastated and felt like i'd been destroyed. i could hardly get out of bed. my child was left to fend for herself during many of the hours when chris went to work. she would sometimes hug me and kiss my stomach and say she was kissing my belly baby. she brought me her toys and snacks to try to cheer me up, but all i could do was cry and tell her that the belly baby was in heaven now.


i dreaded going to the bathroom because i knew that i would have to see the mess that was flowing out of my body. i didn't want to let it go. it was coming out of me in clots, so every time i changed a pad, i felt like i was throwing pieces of my baby in the trash. one night i sat on the toilet and held a used pad wrapped up in a wad in my arms and hugged it and bawled because it was the only chance i'd ever have to hold and hug my baby. i knew it was gross, but i just couldn't let go. just because it was small didn't mean it deserved to go into the garbage with old hair and q-tips. it took me a long time to leave it behind.

i ran a bath that night & filled the tub with a massive quantity of bubbles, then turned off the lights and climbed in. i dunked myself so far down into the tub that only my nose and mouth were out and i closed my eyes and thought about how i would never get to spend any time with my second or third babies. i'd never get to know them or see them or hug them. i thought about how maybe if i just ended my own life in the bathtub, i could go be with them and stop feeling like i was breaking all into little pieces.

knowing that brooke would be left without a mommy if i went through with that terrible idea was enough to keep my nose out of the water. barely. so instead i took that time in the bath, in the dark, and i cried out all my pain. i buried my head in a mountain of bubbles and imagined that my two tiny babies were in there with me and that they knew how much i loved them. i thought about an email i'd gotten from a friend's mom telling me that she'd had a miscarriage too and that she was consoled at the idea that her baby was being cared for and loved by Jesus in heaven. and what better babysitter than the king of the universe.

eventually the physical pain subsided, but the emotional pain lasted a lot longer. so many people said things to me that they meant to be kind, but were hurtful instead. they told me i'd have more children eventually. they told me it was God's will that the babies weren't born. they told me that most likely they didn't make it because they were physically defective and therefore, better off not ever being born.

i wanted to scream at all of them. i wanted to tell them that their child was dead and then pat their shoulder and with a trite little smile say that it was God's will. i wanted to tell them that they were defective and better off dead. i wanted them all to shut up. they had nothing practical to offer me and their words were brutal. i wanted them to stop asking if they could help and instead, come over and take care of brooke for me. i wanted someone to bring dinner to my house so that at least there would be something to eat for the family members who could still swallow food. i wanted someone to do the piles of laundry that were piling up that i didn't have the energy to wash.

but i didn't ask for help. i didn't ask for anything. i just slowly started picking up the pieces of myself and trying to put me back together again.

after that, i decided that i had enough children. one was going to be my perfect number. i was going to do everything i could to prevent brooke from becoming a spoiled, self-centered only child, but i was going to pour myself into her every single day and be thankful for her.

and i was never again going to offer stupid condolences that had no action behind them. i was going to send cards to anyone i knew who had a miscarriage, just like i would if their breathing child died. i was going to use my own awful experience to become a more sensitive person. and i was going to hug brooke. a lot.

sperm donation for father's day

i don't usually like to write a post that follows perfectly with whatever holiday we're sitting on, but this is a story that seems to be perfect for father's day. i've been thinking about writing it for ages & it finally seems like the right time.

this was us during the time this story took place.

when chris & i had been married for about 2 years we sort of decided that we were ready for kids. and by that i mean, i was frantically craving babies and he was thinking about how he liked the way our life was, but was willing to consider that maybe a baby wouldn't ruin everything. we "tried" for a few months with no offspringy results, so i went to see a doctor to see if there was something wrong with my girly bits.

as it turned out, there were some problems in me, but the doc thought we could overcome them with drugs. that didn't end up working, but before they would take the next step with me it was decided by the medical powers that be that chris needed to go through some testing of his own.

most of you probably have a mental picture of how that goes for men from seeing movies or sitcoms where some guy goes to a sperm bank donation center and provides his deposit after viewing some choice pictures or videos in a little sterile room.

that was not what happened.

we were told that they provide an easier way for the men to "deposit" by allowing a sterile cup to be taken home, filled up and returned to the clinic within 30 minutes of filling. that sounds nice, but we lived a minimum of 30 minutes from the clinic & that was barring any traffic delays. and if it took longer than 30, the process would have had to be repeated with a new cup.

we thought about that for a time, trying to figure out a way for chris to be able to do his duty and still get the cup to the clinic on time. hmmm... we had no friends who lived closer to the clinic (plus, that might be a bit much to ask of a friend). maybe we could drive part way there and pull over on the side of the highway for a car quickie. but that might contaminate the specimen as well as get us arrested. we could attempt to collect the deposit in the back of the parking lot right before our appointment time, but that didn't sound like a good plan because again, there was the risk of getting caught by security when doing such things in a public location. and i'm sure that my giggling at the situation would have been a "downer" which would not have been a good thing in that situation.

the appointment was at 8am, which is truly a stupid time for such an appointment. i mean, what man is feeling spermy and deposity at that hour of the morning? we finally decided that we would need to drive to the clinic a little bit earlier than our appointment, go into the building & find a bathroom where we could take care of business & still get the cup turned in on time.

we arrived and found a bathroom, but it was right in the lobby of this medical building. and there was no family/handicap bathroom into which we could go together in order to make it a team effort at collecting the juice of fate. so into the men's room he went, with a look of grim determination on his face. he was going to have to go it alone. no wife. no pictures. no videos. no sexy nurses. just a public bathroom stall. at 7:45am.

i waited outside the bathroom for about 20 minutes. i paced and wrung my hands, glad that there weren't many people around to give me the hairy eyeball for loitering outside the men's room.

he finally came out & plopped the little cup into my hand, lid screwed on tight. i stared at that wad as if my fate lay within it. i was trying to be like a fortune teller with tea leaves, but i was a sperm reader with a plastic cup. i checked it out from different angles, held it up to the light & then stuffed into my purse and headed for the office door where we would turn in our offering and then wait a few days, hoping for good news.

the news, in the end, was really bad. they said that with our combined issues, we had about a zero percent chance of conceiving the old fashioned way & would need to go straight to in-vitro and even then the odds weren't in our favor. we didn't have the money for such things. so i started reading about ways to naturally increase your fertility with no drugs or doctors & low & behold, it worked. we've only got the one, but she's a good one and she came about the old fashioned way after all. it took about a year of careful observation of cycles and days where booty duty was a high priority even if we weren't in the mood. but the end result was worth it.

and that is my father's day story.

i fed my kid my life

somewhere in the course of the past 9 years i think i lost myself. when we got married, i suddenly had the inescapable urge to procreate. like i couldn't get pregnant fast enough. however, before we got married, we'd decided that we weren't going to have kids. neither of us wanted them. i don't know what happened when that ring went on my finger, but it was clear that i must have a baby. i felt like i needed to respect chris enough to understand that he didn't want any ever, but how could i live my life without ever being a mom?

we were married for a couple years before i ran out of birth control pills. it was truly an accident, but it seemed like a happy one to me & we decided at that point that maybe we would just stay off it & see what happened. i was working at a kids clothing store, so i was surrounded by pregnant women & kids all day, 5 days a week and i waited anxiously for my turn to come. and i waited & i waited & i waited. i never had another period. i constantly thought that i was probably pregnant. i took a pregnancy test every couple weeks & i expected all of them to be positive. they never were.

sex became a chore that neither one of us was particularly enjoying. it was a responsibility & needed to be done, just like the dishes or cleaning the shower. add to it the fact that chris still didn't really want kids. he had agreed because he loves me & i was willing to accept that for what it was & just be happy that he was going along w/ it, however hesitantly.

eventually we saw doctors & we both had enough issues that we were told that we'd never have kids naturally. in vitro was probably our only chance & that was so expensive that it was out of the question. i felt like my life was pointless. like my future was filled w/ only sadness & lonely, empty arms. i was pissed off at all the pregnant women around me. i had a neighbor who was a teenager & pregnant w/ her second child & smoking all the while & i could hardly even look at her because all i wanted was to punch her in her stupid, pregnant head. she didn't deserve to be a mom, in my mind. i didn't think she was a good mom to the one she had, she didn't want either of them, how could God let her get pregnant & not me?!

i lost myself in my desperation to have a baby. eventually, my mom took me to see a midwife who hooked me up w/ a few books about how to increase your fertility naturally & i read everything repeatedly until i felt like i could have taught a seminar on the topic. i was charting & taking temps & almost everything in my head became consumed by the need to have a kid. i think i made a lot of people uncomfortable because i wasn't able or maybe just wasn't willing to push my issue aside enough to not be jealous of other people & their luck w/ children. for anyone who hung w/ me through that process, i'm sorry if i was rude or indelicate. i shouldn't have taken out my pain on you. i was happy that you had your kids, i just wanted some for myself.

eventually, all our hard work paid off. that sounds funny to say cuz how hard is it to have sex regularly? but there were times when i was pretty sure that i was ovulating & even if we were fighting, it was like we had to put it aside long enough for some booty duty. i finally got pregnant & had a fairly healthy pregnancy right until the end.

our sweet, gorgeous, little girl arrived right on time & she was so fabulous to me that i could hardly take my hands off her. i rarely put her down at the beginning. i was eating, sleeping & breathing her. i think i needed her far more than she needed me. after a little while i learned that she wasn't going anywhere & i could share her and put her down sometimes. she was the most amazing thing i'd ever seen or smelled or touched in my life. all the waiting & pain & anger & jealousy was worth it. a million times worth it! i would do it all again in a heartbeat.

now my life mostly revolves around her. we can't have any other kids (more infertility issues & a couple miscarriages), so i feel like i belong to her. of course i know that i belong to God first & foremost & then to my awesome husband who is a fantastic dad to our girl. but i've been consumed w/ her for almost 9 years now. she's only 7 and a half, but i wanted her so badly before she was born and while i was pregnant that it started even before she existed in this world.

when i started this blog, i figured it would be a place to talk mostly about the wacky things brooke does. about our daily life & the stuff we experience. i know, it doesn't sound all that interesting when i write it like that. but pretty soon after i started writing again, i realized that there's more to me than just being brooke's mom. i remembered that i have thoughts & opinions & history. i have humor hiding below the surface that's all my own. i don't need brooke to exist. she's a wonderful addition to my world & one i wouldn't trade for anything (other than a hot dog on a really bad day) but i'm still me. i still have value. i can still have friends that like my company & i don't have to talk about my kid. i don't have to hide behind her.

so there it is. in writing this blog, i've found myself again.