Saturday, April 3, 2010

i fed my kid my life

somewhere in the course of the past 9 years i think i lost myself. when we got married, i suddenly had the inescapable urge to procreate. like i couldn't get pregnant fast enough. however, before we got married, we'd decided that we weren't going to have kids. neither of us wanted them. i don't know what happened when that ring went on my finger, but it was clear that i must have a baby. i felt like i needed to respect chris enough to understand that he didn't want any ever, but how could i live my life without ever being a mom?

we were married for a couple years before i ran out of birth control pills. it was truly an accident, but it seemed like a happy one to me & we decided at that point that maybe we would just stay off it & see what happened. i was working at a kids clothing store, so i was surrounded by pregnant women & kids all day, 5 days a week and i waited anxiously for my turn to come. and i waited & i waited & i waited. i never had another period. i constantly thought that i was probably pregnant. i took a pregnancy test every couple weeks & i expected all of them to be positive. they never were.

sex became a chore that neither one of us was particularly enjoying. it was a responsibility & needed to be done, just like the dishes or cleaning the shower. add to it the fact that chris still didn't really want kids. he had agreed because he loves me & i was willing to accept that for what it was & just be happy that he was going along w/ it, however hesitantly.

eventually we saw doctors & we both had enough issues that we were told that we'd never have kids naturally. in vitro was probably our only chance & that was so expensive that it was out of the question. i felt like my life was pointless. like my future was filled w/ only sadness & lonely, empty arms. i was pissed off at all the pregnant women around me. i had a neighbor who was a teenager & pregnant w/ her second child & smoking all the while & i could hardly even look at her because all i wanted was to punch her in her stupid, pregnant head. she didn't deserve to be a mom, in my mind. i didn't think she was a good mom to the one she had, she didn't want either of them, how could God let her get pregnant & not me?!

i lost myself in my desperation to have a baby. eventually, my mom took me to see a midwife who hooked me up w/ a few books about how to increase your fertility naturally & i read everything repeatedly until i felt like i could have taught a seminar on the topic. i was charting & taking temps & almost everything in my head became consumed by the need to have a kid. i think i made a lot of people uncomfortable because i wasn't able or maybe just wasn't willing to push my issue aside enough to not be jealous of other people & their luck w/ children. for anyone who hung w/ me through that process, i'm sorry if i was rude or indelicate. i shouldn't have taken out my pain on you. i was happy that you had your kids, i just wanted some for myself.

eventually, all our hard work paid off. that sounds funny to say cuz how hard is it to have sex regularly? but there were times when i was pretty sure that i was ovulating & even if we were fighting, it was like we had to put it aside long enough for some booty duty. i finally got pregnant & had a fairly healthy pregnancy right until the end.

our sweet, gorgeous, little girl arrived right on time & she was so fabulous to me that i could hardly take my hands off her. i rarely put her down at the beginning. i was eating, sleeping & breathing her. i think i needed her far more than she needed me. after a little while i learned that she wasn't going anywhere & i could share her and put her down sometimes. she was the most amazing thing i'd ever seen or smelled or touched in my life. all the waiting & pain & anger & jealousy was worth it. a million times worth it! i would do it all again in a heartbeat.

now my life mostly revolves around her. we can't have any other kids (more infertility issues & a couple miscarriages), so i feel like i belong to her. of course i know that i belong to God first & foremost & then to my awesome husband who is a fantastic dad to our girl. but i've been consumed w/ her for almost 9 years now. she's only 7 and a half, but i wanted her so badly before she was born and while i was pregnant that it started even before she existed in this world.

when i started this blog, i figured it would be a place to talk mostly about the wacky things brooke does. about our daily life & the stuff we experience. i know, it doesn't sound all that interesting when i write it like that. but pretty soon after i started writing again, i realized that there's more to me than just being brooke's mom. i remembered that i have thoughts & opinions & history. i have humor hiding below the surface that's all my own. i don't need brooke to exist. she's a wonderful addition to my world & one i wouldn't trade for anything (other than a hot dog on a really bad day) but i'm still me. i still have value. i can still have friends that like my company & i don't have to talk about my kid. i don't have to hide behind her.

so there it is. in writing this blog, i've found myself again.


  1. awww this brought tears to my eyes! i know how bad you guys tried and its so wonderful that you got that chance... and yes you do lose yourself in them and then as the years go by and they become so independent you wonder if they really need you. but in the end, you are the one shining thing in their life they know they can always turn to in the worst of times. and that, that makes it the awesomest part of being a mommy!!! i so need to come down there and meet her, i have always adored you & chris and I can only imagine she has to be so awesome too!!! =)

  2. sorry, that should say how hard you guys tried, not how bad lol!!

  3. We went through many years of infertility just like you. The emotions that you are writing about (sex sucks, pregnant teenagers suck...) bring back lots of memories to me as well. I am sorry that you had to go through that horrible journey too. But I'm glad to see that we have both made it to the other side and that you have found your independent self again!

  4. I told you writing was good therapy! It's only been a few months and already you've had an epiphany or a blossoming or something really profound, just by sitting at the keyboard clacking out the thoughts that are in your head. Amazing how writing can open a door into your soul and let you see some of what was hidden in there all along! And I'm really glad to know that you have found yourself. As usual, you're years ahead of me, and I'm happy about that.

  5. Just catching up tonight. Love you Love you Love you. You. Just you. (I mean, I love it all, but I hope you know what I mean.) Yay for finding yourself!!


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