Sunday, February 13, 2011

what kind of bees make milk?

i like to have a little fun when i'm writing sometimes, by recounting the moments when stupid or embarrassing things happen to me. most of you have probably figured that out by now. i also love hearing the stupid or embarrassing stories that have happened to others. especially when those stories come from people who normally don't share or volunteer such things because they have dignity & class and generally don't stoop to the level of revealing their shamefully hilarious events. what, for most people, would be something to tuck away & try to forget, i relish every awful detail & try to remember it clearly so i can tell or write the story later.

one of the funny, embarrassing things that has happened to me many times in the course of my adult life is that i tend to drop things into my cleavage. i know, i know, if i wore shirts with higher necklines, that wouldn't be such an issue, but sometimes, a girl's got to show off her assets a little bit, especially when out on a date with the husband. and turtlenecks just aren't very sexy.

i dropped a big blob of ice cream down there in a restaurant once & had to try to wipe it out without flashing anyone. and i drop pieces of popcorn down there all the time when we go to the movies. i've had bits of chips fall while at social gatherings or queso drips when we're dining on mexican fare.

but my favorite story on that topic happened one day when i was taking communion in church & managed to drop almost a whole wafer straight down between the girls. at first i thought i'd just leave it there & fish it out later, but alas, it must have broken on its journey into the abyss because suddenly i felt the scratching & irritating from a nasty little broken edge & i knew it had to come out. for some reason it didn't occurr to me to go into the bathroom to deal with this. looking back that seems pretty obvious, but at the time, all i could think was "should i go in from the top or the bottom?" i attempted a discreet dig from above, but by that point, it was too low down. so then i tried to slowly maneuvre my hand up my shirt all the while singing along with the congregation & trying to keep a neutral face so i wouldn't give away that i was getting to second base with myself. i did finally manage to free myself from that scratchy lil morsel, but then what to do with it? i didn't want to eat it after it had been hanging with the meat balloons, but they don't serve napkins w/ communion. so i settled for putting it into my pocket, only to be reminded of the incident when i found the remants in the laundry a few days later.


i got an email from a friend today, telling me that she dropped a slice of cheese down between the ta-tas while fixing dinner today & that was my inspiration for this post. i'd love to hear from any of you who've had one of these hilariously unfortunate events. share with me, if you will, a time when your boobs ate the keys to the car you just finished test driving. or your girls were unwilling food storage containers. or you lost your cell phone & then found it under your left hooter. whatever your story, i'd love to hear it!

32 comments:

  1. Well since I don't tatas I don't have anything to add other than this was a funny post.

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  2. so freaking funny. I also have this issue, especially since nursing this last babe. I find crumbs and all sorts of snacks down there. lately, weaned babe, has taken to shoving her hand all the way down the middle of the two, and stopping there for a rest. She does this everywhere! I was asked today if I was still nursing! No, baby just loves her nah nahs!

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  3. LOL! I find things in my bra all the time. Paper Clips, french fries, hair clips, etc. Never money!

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  4. Once when abbi was a baby at church she burped and threw up right down my shirt into my cleavage. I literally had to squeeze my breasts together while I tried to discreetly make my way to the restroom without dripping from the bottom of my shirt. I used her as cover on the way :)

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  5. hilarious post - well obviously I haven't had such a problem but there have been embarassing ones, like the interview where I went out to get a great suit for, spent ages on my tie, didn't realize my zipper was down etc.

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  6. Oh, my wife found me one time. Does that count?

    @Missy: at least you don't find midgets.

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  7. I was in a business meeting with all men and the clasp on a front closing bra broke. I spent the next hour with my arms squished against my sides to keep the "girls" in place. Not my finest hour!

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  8. I ALWAYS drop popcorn down my cleavage at the movies... and embarrass my hubby when I shamelessly fish it out... and then eat it.

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  9. This isn't a "dropped something down my cleavage" story, but in my single days, between marriages, I had a male friend "with benefits." I made a booty call to his house one night, and on the way, I took my bra off in the car. See, I thought he'd think I was really sexy if I showed up braless. I ditched the bra between the bucket seats in my car, and kind of forgot about it. The next day, my boss decided to go on a sales call with me in my car, and when I went to shift gears, I looked down, and there was my bra. I just about died. I immediately started relating some nonsense about the place we were driving past to distract him, while I jammed the thing way down so he wouldn't see it! I just about died!

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  10. "so i wouldn't give away that i was getting to second base with myself."

    Best.

    Line.

    Ever.

    Just sayin'. Thanks for making me laugh!

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  11. OT, thanks. maybe you can jump in on the next one.

    creating, i think that's a common thing with lots of freshly weaned babays. like they still need the boobie connection even after they can't eat them anymore.

    missy, me too! but you're in the wrong line of work if you're hoping to find money in your bra at the end fo the day.

    oh my gosh, forty, that's awesomely disgusting! once when i was at church & brooke was just a couple months old, one boob started leaking at church & made a river all down the front of my shirt & down into my pants. it wasn't pretty.

    david, did you get the job?

    al, man boobs totally count if you can make a good story with them.

    kim, eek, the things we have to do sometimes.

    ladyE, i eat it too. i mean, large quanTITies fall in there & it would be a shame to waste it.

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  12. eva, that's so funny. you naughty, naughty girl!

    yello, is it tacky for me to say that i kinda liked that line too? =)

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  13. You reached second base with yourself while at the Mass... Whoa!

    Once it happened that while at the mall my left earrings fell down..those hanging ones... I had felt it coming out.. but it was nowhere on the floor and we were near the elevator.. it was a bit expensive one.. and brand new... I kept searching all over.. in the carpet, other floors, all the stairs of the elevator. Nearly swept the whole place. When i went home n removed my boob holders to take a bath, Bingo! It drops down.. Never been more happier with my girls.

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  14. I would have gone in head first and eaten that damned wafer ... eventually!

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  15. When I saw the title I had visions of thousands of people very carefully milking millions of bees....After 3 days solid work they had a thimble full....

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  16. I just had a thought, not only did you have the body of Christ between your fun bags you went and washed him as well....I hope it was on a cold wash....

    P.S. Sorry as an ex Catholic (disqualified for not believing in god) I feel qualified to crack what is probably a misjudged religious joke

    P.P.S. While it is not my intention to upset any religious people, if I did believe in a god it would be one with a sense of humour ….

    P.P.P.S True it would have to be a good god to get down to my low level but I guess being omnipresent would help.

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  17. runaway, i've had earrings fall in there too & didn't know till later! from now on, i've got to remember to check there first when one goes missing & save myself time searching!

    now sym, you behave yourself!

    blacklog, i like the mental pic of bees & their thimble of milk. i would not like to be the one on milking duty. makes my fingers cramp just thinking of it. and i believe that God has a sense of humor. the world is full of hilarious things & i feel confident that's no accident.

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  18. I have been known to drop things down the tata abyss as well. The worst part is, sometimes I will wear a bra tank and I cant go up from the bottom to fish out anything... so it just sits there until I feel comfortable enough to go fishing.

    I'm sure you will enjoy this... I have a vast list of embarrasing things that have happened to me but my favorite tata story is as follows: I thought one night in my early 20's that it would be funny (i was tanked) to use my tata's as a place to store extra beer. Yes, i can hold a regular bottle beer with no hands. It is quite an acomplishment I know, but only to be praised when it is used as a parlor trick. I have learnd this is not suitable for family reunions or office Christmas parties.

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  19. Your post made me smile. However, I have a different spin for you.

    When a friend came over to hang out, I didn't notice a "flaw" in my pants...my younger daughter did. She was about 1 year old at the time and was "walking" by holding onto things.

    I did notice that she had found me and was now "walking around" me, but I carried on a conversation with my friend when...

    I felt a sudden sharp pain in my crotch and I yelped/jumped a little. I looked down at the pain and my daughter had found a hole in the crotch of my pants and stuck her finger in there.

    We all cracked up.

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  20. while i was making that kitchen, sawdust was number one found thing, next to glue, screws, nails, and bits of other junk. it is so annlying to be jabbed with a screw!

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  21. Oh if only my girls were big enough to trap something! That would be a happy day for me I think.

    Hilarious post. And I agree with yellocoyote about the second base comment. I had tears from laughing so hard!

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  22. Jogging with man boobs: knocked me out cold.

    Man Boobs: Nature's Way of Saying: "Put Your Shirt Back On!"

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  23. See now that's just you showing off! If you drop anything down there and it doesn't sleep right on through to the floor, I'm jealous! :)

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  24. You know I share your plight of the ginormous ta-tas and I have said in my blog that when they are covered they catch things on the way down and then you can have them as a snack for later! But I do have a very funny story that I should post about where i was at Bennihana - A Japanese steak house where they cook the food right at your table and the chefs sometimes get a little wild and throw pieces of food at you and one ended up in my cleavage!! True story! HAHAHAHA, everyone had a great laugh at me too!

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  25. I drop something down my shirt almost everyday, but I always eat it after I dig it out! I know that's gross, but I don't care!!

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  26. Oh my gosh, this happens to me ALL THE TIME- I find stuff in my bra at the end of the day that I didnt know was there way more than I would like to admit!

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  27. I have a great story too. I was pregnant, so of course I was eating like a crazy person. I was at a party. I felt something itchy in my pant leg. I went to the bathroom, took down my pants and a piece of fried chicken fell out. Not a big piece, just a little piece but it was fun to say.

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  28. Haha, hecka funny! The same thing just happened to me on Sunday--I dropped a little piece of bread down there when taking the sacrament...embarrassing.

    I just discovered your blog and am your newest follower!

    ShanimalCrackers.blogspot.com

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  29. Your story and those in the comments are just way too funny! I've lost a lot of things 'down there' but, for the life of me, can't recall a particular event!

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  30. Okay... once I had a fish swim trough the space in my bikini top (I was 14...weird, very weird.) But more recently, I had an ant fall in there. A big huge carpenter ant of sorts and it BIT me all the way down and out. Not fun, not fun at all.

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don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!