Wednesday, February 2, 2011

the van potty x2

here's my re-offering of the day. for any of you who've read it, i hope you'll come back for the next post. i'll try to make it fresh & exciting. because this one is definitely not fresh.

we still carry a potty in our van. actually, we took the backseat out of the van so that we could fit some big stuff in there at christmas time & it's never gone back in, so it functions as a mobile storage unit. but brooke likes to think of that space as her own personal room, including toileting facilities. there have been many, many times when it has saved us, like when we're at a park where the bathrooms are locked or non-existent. or when we go to the grocery store in july, get everything loaded into the van to go home & then suddenly she has a desperate need to pee that didn't arrive until just that second. or when we're in a traffic jam on the highway, she needs to go & we can't get off an exit. this potty has saved us from many, many moments of peepee panic. (i wish i could use it since i'm often just as guilty as brooke about needing to go when there are no facilities available, due to my own self diagnosed SBS. i haven't tried it yet, but one day i may be desperate enough. i'll let you know if it happens & how it turns out.)
one time, i was loading some stuff into the van at toys-r-us & while i was doing so, brooke crept around to her potty & made use of the facilities. i think she secretly holds it sometimes just because she likes using the van pot more than public bathrooms. maybe it feels scandalous or exotic to pee in the car. i don't know.

anyway, she calls out, "mom, i used my potty!"

me, "okay, fine. let me come around to the back so i can dump it in the back of the parking lot. you didn't throw the tissue into the pee again did you?"

brooke, "weeeelllll.... noo.... i didn't put the tissue in."

me, "so what's the problem? what did you do?"

brooke, "uummm... i.... pooped."

i closed the door & mentally had a mini tantrum. we were just inside a store where there was a flushing toilet. and plenty of toilet paper. but did she use it? NO! she'd rather take a dump in the hot van in august & then put the soiled tissues into the little van trash can.

ok, too late to be mad. at least she didn't crap herself. now, what to do with it... normally with a pee pot i'd find a grassy spot at the edge of the parking lot or at least the far back of a parking lot where people generally don't go & pour it there. this was a different situation. i couldn't very well toss the log into the toys-r-us parking lot and i didn't relish the idea of carrying it up to the building to where there were trash cans & disposing of it in view of other customers.okay, so i can't get rid of it here. what other options do i have? we're not heading home yet where i could dispose of it properly & since it's august, i don't want to cart it around with us where it will get extra ripe while marinating in the car during our next few errands.

maybe i could smear mud over my license plate & put on dark glasses and a hat and sling it out the window while driving to our next stop. but with my luck, i'd throw it into the open window of a car next to us & then be hunted by an angry, poop smeared ex-con. or it would just slide down the outside of my van & i wouldn't know & i'd go through the drive-through at taco bell & the person working would be like, "ma'am, i think there's.... a turd stuck to your door." or i'd chicken out at the last second & hesitate in mid-throw causing it to mostly stay inside the van, sliding down the inside of the driver's door and getting caught in the little pocket, but splattering me in the process. or it would splash while sitting on the passenger seat before i found the perfect moment & then i'd have to clean the seat. or before i had the chance to pitch it, someone in a taller vehicle than mine would drive up alongside of me & look over & spot the hot pink poop filled pot & then look at me in horror & realize that they know me & actually they're one of my customers & then i lose my job. or i'd be holding the pot in my hand, waiting for the perfect moment to roll down & toss & i'd get rear ended & it would all go up in my face & i'd have some explaining to do when an officer showed up on the scene. "yes officer, that is feces on my forehead.... yes, it is pee soaking my shirt. no, i haven't been drinking. i was just planning to throw a bucket of shit out the window of my moving vehicle when there was a gap in traffic. no, it's not my own shit. no, i don't do pranks like that... it was in the back of my van... no, i already told you, i haven't been drinking!"

eventually i found what seemed like an acceptable solution to me & i pulled into the back of the target parking lot to one of those places where there's a bit of grass & a tree between parking spots and i crouched low, walking stealthily & poured out the mess into the wood chip area at the base of the tree. i know, it's gross & horrible, but i thought at least there was a possibility that whoever found it would think that it must have been a dog who left that deposit. i mean, who would have ever guessed the truth?


  1. i can't believe i just read this....I can't believe you did that...holy cow.

    I am speechless.

    I am just trying to think back in the day..when my children were small....

    I sure hope you got rid of that potty...

    the only thing I can be accused of in parking lots is taking the flowers home...

    when we were at the beach my friends 3 year old had to go the the bathroom, so she kinda hung her bare bottom over her arms and the kid took a crap..then she buried it in the rocks, sand and driftwood and sea weed...

    my friend did this alot.even on the side of the road..she just whipped over to the shoulder and whipped out the butt...and let her rip..

  2. umm... well, uh... i didn't exactly get rid of it... but in my own defense, it's been at least a year since it was used. i hate getting caught unprepared.

  3. Oh.. the joys of motherhood. I'm tired of my life revolving around poop that isn't my own... but as you've pointed out, I still have a long time left! lol.
    In addition, considering my issue with public toilets, I can appreciate that she would rather drop the deuce in the comfort of her own surroundings rather than the public one! hahaa!

  4. One time I was driving 450 km between two provinces trying to get home.. I had to go pee so bad, unfortunately Alberta has now trees or mountains like British Columbia, so you can't pull over to the side and just go into the bush. Nope Alberta has just miles of open fields where everyone can see you... And they don't have public bathroom stops (lots of telephone stops, but no bathrooms), so in a desperation, I had to pull over, grab my little garbage can in my car and pee into it.. ughhh what a crappy memory but better than peeing my pants, which reminds me that I just drank two cups of tea and I gots to go pee!

  5. As Art Linkletter used to say, "kids do the darndest things."

  6. That. Is. So. Funny. I can only imagine what I would do if I was in that same situation. My son is potty trained now, but when we have to leave the house for an extended period, he's in a Pull-Up. I'm worried now about what we're going to do when he's always in his underware.

  7. I was thinking, "Oh I remember the days of carrying the potty around in the van" until you got to the hilarity of disposing of the poop! Never had to do that but enjoyed reading about it! Thanks for the memories...and mostly for the laugh! Ain't motherhood grand?!

  8. Wow, I thought I was the only one with parents who put a potty in the back of the car. Except it wasn't because sometimes we would hold it or not go when we had the opportunity- it was simply because when we went on a roadtrip my dad didn't want to stop-ha! Good memories!

  9. That is so funny and so familiar!!!
    Hey, it is helping the planet.

  10. That. Was. Hilarious.

    Hopefully, nobody saw you crouching around back there. Especially some nosy employee, who has now told everyone that you just crapped under a tree in the woodchips.

    If the next time you return to that store, the employees are giving you a wide least you'll know why.

  11. Once again, I'm eating dinner and reading your blog. Not sure what it says about me that it doesn't gross me out in the least, but I practically choked on my macaroni from laughing.

  12. Girl you make me laugh. On behalf would like to present you with a 'Stylish Blogger Award'. are so sneaky you have already peeked and seen your award =)....well you have been notified so this makes official.

  13. Hmmm I usually cut through those little grassy/tree islands.

    I may have to rethink this now.

  14. I just love reading about such dilemmas.

    Good ol' British toilet humour is alive and well and living in ... wherever you are!

    It also reminded me of something I wanted to write. Thanks!

  15. Hi, I wanted to tell you that you have an award over at my place! Enjoy!


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