Monday, February 7, 2011

equal trade in mammogram town

this was written last april, but i'm re-posting it for your reading pleasure.

last year i went for my first mammogram. i had a minor issue & a family history of breast cancer, so it was time to get it done. i arrived for my appointment and the nurse delivered me to a dressing room & told me to disrobe, put my clothes into a locker, put on a gown & go sit in a waiting room until my name was called. ok. once she was out of my cubby, i realized that it seemed strange to have to strip down all the way when i was only getting a tittie exam, but i decided to err on the side of extra nudity. once, when i was pregnant, i thought i was just getting a belly check & didn't take off my pants. my obgyn told me i needed to remove them &  then stood there while i peeled them off, which was rather awkward. it's one thing that he looks up the hole, it's quite another thing to be expected to do a strip tease for him before the getting into the stirrups.

after having a child, i'd gotten over my aversion to getting caught with my pants down in doctor's offices, so i thought this time i'd just take it all off. i walked carefully out to the waiting room so as to not expose my girlie goodies. i was concerned that if i crossed my legs, the lady sitting across from would notice that i hadn't groomed up my bikini region recently. i also noticed the other women in the room were wearing shoes while i was barefooted because it seemed silly to wear shoes with my hospital gown. but i figured we were all probably beginners and i'd most likely be one up on them when i breezed through expediently, bare and prepared, while they were stopped and asked to remove their shoes and socks. 

eventually i was called across the hall for my boob crushing appointment. the technician proceeded to help me jam my left tittie into the vice & in order to do so i need to take that arm out of my fancy gown. causing the majority of my body to be left, exposed to the elements. i'm pretty sure my entire armpit was also pulled into that thing at one stage, but that's beside the point. the tech lady stepped away & looked down at me (i could only barely see her out of the corner of my eye as i tried to crane my neck around to make sure she was moving at an acceptably speedy clip) and i saw her eyes bug out of her head for a split second as she caught a glimpse of my pasty white rear. she tried to fix her face quickly, but the look of shock was definitely there. i heard her gulp before she stammered, "uh, um, most people, uh well, you really only needed to take off your top." seriously?!! you'd think the nurse lady would have told me that before i stripped my ass bare! as if having my entire chest and armpit area crammed into a garbage disposal type mechanism while standing on tip toe & trying not to move or scream wasn't bad enough, now i was also worried about my apparently inappropriate nudity that was clearly making this lady uncomfortable! way to make a good impression!

at some point in the way-too-long-and-torturous process, i started to find the humor. like me exposing my pubies to her was making her uncomfortable (especially since she had to be leaned in close and snuggly) & her wrangling my monstrous tit into her torture machine was making me uncomfortable, so it was like an equal trade. tit for twat.

19 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! Oh.my.gosh, you are the funniest person EVER! I started laughing out loud and my husband looked at me like I was crazy...dont worry, I didnt share your story- no boys allowed:-)

    This is good to know!

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  2. Well at least you left an impression, which is only fair, since an impression was left on your boob!

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  3. Ugh....

    Those words of "Stand up here real close" are venomous!

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  4. Funny, very funny. Great post!

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  5. Just one of the may joys of being a woman! I laughed until I had tears rolling on this one.

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  6. I always ask how much I have to take off. And then I argue with the nurse when she says "everything." Because seriously, we all know it isn't really necessary.

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  7. '~.~'
    *

    ...that nurse...now has a blog...

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  8. OK, ok, I won't complain about getting my prostate checked. But, I do know one thing. I'm never going to prison.
    CAUTION: Shameless self-exploitation ahead. You may be interested in an earlier post I wrote, "Journey To the Center of My Bowels" because, while it didn't specifically deal with my man-bits, it was in the same neighborhood. So to speak.
    The fact that you had to do a striptease for your obgyn sounded legit. Now, if he put on a little music, THEN you'd have a problem (or an admirer. Whichever).
    Very funny!

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  9. You are hilarious! I just had my first one around Christmas and I definitely have to post about that it was awful! I was wondering if I should strip too, because so often you need to and I found the whole experience to be quite uncomfortable as my face was smashed into the metal square thing that juts out and my (also giant) boob was squished into a pancake! Ah, the joys of being a woman! The great news is that it wasn't cancer! Thank God!

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  10. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are a nut!!! I love you!!!

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  11. Lets just say those of us from the itty bitty titty club have it harder, too little to get between the plate, more like a titty twister. Ugghhhh.

    Stopping by from the blog hop, but I also see dear Missy is commenting too.

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  12. You do realize that words such as "monstruous tit" will only make you even more special to me, right?

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  13. Ok - I found your blog through Miss Rosie and I read your comment about this post so I had to search for it. TOOO funny! Enjoyed laughing with you!

    http://joy-southernsocialite.blogspot.com/

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  14. I've just installed iStripper, so I can watch the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.

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don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!