Thursday, February 10, 2011

where did we meet?

you know how on facebook, sometimes people will write in their status, "tell me how we met each other and then make this your status so i can return the favor." i always thought that was kind of stupid because aren't we supposed to already know how we met our friends and family members? and if you tell me how we met, why do i then need to tell you how we met? will the stories be different?

tonight i saw a different take on it, and it was an idea i had to borrow. it says to leave a message telling how we met, but make it a lie. i added that the more creative & amusing the answers, the more cool points one would receive. you know, from God, or whoever's in charge of cool points.

i got some great responses that actually made me laugh.
We really bonded in that state facility after our frontal lobotomies. I think the shock therapy was really beneficial for you, but the ice water immersion really didn't help me much long term. Hope you're doing well - I still don't like wearing my helmet, but at least my sitter has started letting me use scissors on craft projects!"

i had one from one of my blog friends, creatingme, who had clearly read my last post.
"I was the nurse tech at your first mammogram. Nice tush!"

i apparently met one former church friend at a gay bar where she was checking me out & i also give a mean prison tat. i was taught by monks in the mountains and got breast implants with my aunt where she questioned my judgement since she seemed to think that DD was big enough. silly, silly woman. bigger is always better.

i had a great one from my brother.
"Almost can't even remember those early years in the orphanage anymore... I mostly just remember it was so overcrowded... But I will never forget the pillow fights! That was the only time we boys were allowed to interact with you girls for any length of time. Your plan to convince Ms. Wadsworth to alter your birth certificate to match my last name in order to get Mom and Dad to adopt us both and get you out of there was devious, but brilliant! Love ya, "sis". "

and a naughty one from my friend who i've never met face to face. she's a frisky one, this girl!
"Sherilin and I used to date before I had my sex change... she inspired me to switch teams... haven't regretted it yet. Although some days I feel "clueless" as a woman, and I get" Blue" missing being "Steve." Least Sherilin can't send me to the doghouse anymore.Cause she liked it Ruff,ruff,ruff. :P"

and another friend who loves to mock me when i get a little too excited about the raccoons & possums who come up on my deck to eat the food that i put out for them (shut up, i like them) wrote,
"The great raccoon expedition '90.....I was completely enthralled by your lecture "Befriending Earth's Creatures". Later, while you were talking with the raccoons brought in for exhibit, I approached you about their diets and how important it friends we friends for sure!"

now, i know many of you bloggers out there are wonderfully creative and hilarious and i'm wanting to play this game with you too.  feed me a big, fat load of crap and tell me about our imaginary meeting. the wackier, the better! i would like to make the best commenters guest authors on my page in the near future, if you're up for it, so bring it on!


  1. We met when we were both shopping for Booty Pop Panties. You stepped out of the dressing room next to me and asked "Do these make my ass look big? If they do, I'm buying them!"

  2. We met on that day in the church when I was going to get married to an asshole. You shouted in the church, " Don't marry him. He does not know how to use his tongue on ur pussy!" And hence, I said I don't. Thanks for saving me!

  3. We met, as I recall, just as you pushed that button the had a "Do Not Press" sign on it.

    It was a loud bang, but the light show was fantastic and who would have thought that my arm, as it flew through the air, would have had enough velocity to go through 10 inches of concrete!

    I remember how kind you were and how, after retrieving my legs, you carried them to the ambulance for me. You taught me how to write left handed and you were instrumental in getting me my new wheelchair.

    Gosh! How we laughed when you pushed me down that big hill towards the cliffs then accidentally let go just after you said "Oh no! I think the brake is broken!" ... You remember ... it was on that day my when I was going to write my will and you said "Don't worry about that. I have a will in my pocket that I signed for you earlier."

    Those were the days, eh?

    Anyway, how are you doing? Are you out of prison yet?

  4. I believe Charlie Sheen introduced us that one night.....

  5. It still makes me teary when I remember that day. Your Dad and I had been talking about getting a new dog since our old one had been hit by a car. We were trolling the animal shelters looking for that perfect pooch with the "I'll-love-you-forever-if-you'll-just-get-me-out-of-this-place" eyes. After the third day of disappointments, we were walking back to our car in a parking lot that was in a rather wooded area withour heads hanging low, when we heard what we thought was a puppy in the trees. For an animal lover that was as good as a 911 call to mama. What we found in those trees, however, was not an abandoned pup, but a flea bitten, mangy, bag-of-bones baby. The police were called, the reports were filed, the medical exam was done, and we were given first choice to be the adoptive family for this discarded bit of humanity. The rest is history.

  6. oh, eva, you know you love a big rump on your backside as much as i do. now put on your fish nets & let's go dancing at the latino dive bar & get some free drinks!

    runawaybride, i'm sorry i drank so much the day of your wedding. sometimes my mouth gets out of control & yells inappropriate things, but i'm sure glad i saved you from that disaster!

    symdaddy, i still feel badly about that. but being married to a legless/armless man had gotten tiresome. i couldn't bear to divorce you because i didn't want to look unsympathetic. guess the joke was on me. i'm still in prison, but i got married a couple months ago to one of the guards. he brings me cigarettes and runts candy.

    sarcasm, i'm surprised you can even remember that night. a happy coincidence, i say since it got me started on a whole new career path. he taught me that while his hookers & his dealers are both valuable, the hookers have the better job because they can wash their crack and sell it again.

    mom, that brought tears to my eyes. as many times as i've heard the story over the years, it never gets old. makes me feel loved. and like i'm just as good as any pound puppy. and once the tapeworm finally cleared up, i've felt much better.

  7. I like that...I am going to see if I can get a "wave" going on Facebook. Great idea!

  8. We met after just moving to Mobile, AL... both of us with horrible corns on our feet and nasty hammer toes. We became very close after realizing that we were both hookers and could wear the same size shoe, 11 extra wide, thus began our search for fashionable yet sensible footwear while walking the streets at night looking for our own personal Richard Gere.

  9. Well, this one time at band camp....

    had to!
    Don't have time right now but I WILL be back to share our story.

  10. Well I met you at the criminal proceedings regarding that stalking charge against you. By the way, do I need to constantly remind you that you have to be 500 yards away from me per the Court Order, so kindly stop going in my house and rifling thru my panty drawer... and you can keep those hot pink lacey ones you keep wearing on your head you sicko!

  11. DCHY, you forgot to tell me where we met!

    rosie, you always were quicker on the draw when it came to finding the cutest shoes and since our feet are so freakishly huge, they never have more than one pair in our size. i'm still a little mad at you for that. however, you've got to admit that when i started charging the neighborhood businesses for aerating their lawns, that was a stroke of genius! you can keep your cute shoes & i'll run around in my reasonable shoes with my fist-fulls of money.

    yes, amy, please do share. i'll be waiting!

    tracy, i read that post you wrote about not wearing those sexy thongs anymore, so when i was in there, i was actually trying to do you a favor and clean out some of the clutter in your house! it was a total misunderstanding. and as for that pair on my head... well, they make a comfortable, yet unique hat and the pink brings out the color in my cheeks!

  12. I think we met at the hair salon where you were going for the Sinead O'Connor look. I thought it was a good idea too, so I took the plunge. You were like my only friend until my hair grew back :)

  13. We met in the security holding area of Target. We were both being held for defacation of property. You had your van potty in your arms and looked somewhat mortified to be there.

    I knew my face must be bright red as I had been caught in the process of squatting and therefore had never even had the chance to relieve the pressure in my close to bursting bladder. (It's not my fault they have a Starbucks inside the Target. Ventis are really big!) Those sadists wouldn't let me stop to pee on the way back there.

    You looked over at me, smiling benevolently and offered up the van potty. I knew you could see the relief and gratitude in my eyes. You kept your eyes averted until the tiny waterfall ceased to spill forth and quietly handed me a tissue.

    When we were finally released from Target jail, I took the van potty to the restroom. Upon returning to you with the sparkling clean van potty, we looked into each others eyes and smiled. You took the potty, and without either of us uttering a single word, we parted.

    Our bond forever forged through our shared personal humiliation and the all-powerful and unifying force that is the Van Potty.

  14. We met after I had to clean the bathroom you were in after you suffered an acute case of lower gastrointestinal distress. It wasn't the fine bouquet which won me over to your side so much as the lollipop which lay on the floor.

  15. meg, while i enjoyed our time we spent as the "bald buddies", i was really glad when the hair finally grew back & people stopped confusing me with a cancer patient. i did like the tattoo you got on the back of your scalp though. i wonder if you'll ever see it again.

    nari, i about needed a visit to the mighty Van Potty just reading that! that was fantastic & i kind of love you now.

    al, thank you for not judging me. i'm still a red in the face just remembering the incident. you didn't eat that lollipop, did you?

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  17. Ugh- this pains me to talk about it.
    We met in 1994 when trying out for the same traveling singing group. We would go around meeting elementary and Jr. High students and encouraging them all to say no to drugs, attend college and follow their dreams. Ironically enough, we met two guys. Their names were Mark Zuckerburg and his buddy, Dustin Moskovitz. They claimed they were gonna make it big some day and do something on this thing called the "interweb". We thought they were ugly dorks and said with rolling eyes, "You go for it. Follow those dreams."
    And... here we are today. 17 years later we are able to talk and reconnect on Facebook.-- The same website that those ugly BILLIONAIRE dorks created.
    I still blame you. Dustin was kinda cute.

  18. Love it That's way better than the cheesy "normal" way. ;)

    You and I met at a SAA meeting.

  19. awwww I didnt want to dig this up, but you asked for it... I remember your court hearing, you kept talking about it all day, some chick wanted to keep away form her, ok, whatever. You talked so much, its no wonder... so I had to push you in the ***** hotel swimming pool we actually met. You pulled me in, and we ended up skinny dipping, you naughty minx, you know you shouldnt do that to a nun-in-training.

  20. New follower from AG - you are so funny! :)

  21. Astral Projection seminar at last year's Psychic Fair....I'm inside you RIGHT NOW. To tell you about the award I'm giving you :D check it out at my blog
    Stay awesome!

  22. amy, how can you say it was my fault? it's all your fault. i was interested but you wanted to go hang out with back street boys. they weren't much at the time, but man, they did they have some smoothe moves. whatever happened to howie, anyway?

    lady E, don't you remember the first rule of SAA? never reveal you're a member!!!

    BZ, of course we had to skinny dip. we were almost drowing in our nun habits. those things hold water like giant, flowing sponges. i thought i might get out of jail free if i went in & played the nun card. it worked cuz i'm still free!

    kmcaffee, thank you!

    justsayyes, what a lovely thing, to be aware of a new award! i certainly do enjoy those!

  23. We first met on the Titanic just after you borrowed those binoculars from the guy in the crow’s nest (I think he lost his job for that or at least had his assets frozen) you were looking for some ICE for your G&T…. How were you to know that we would end up with more ice than we could handle….I'm not judging mind, I’d just made that bet with the captain that we wouldn’t break the transatlantic crossing record. That bet certainly sank without trace….

  24. I figured my Tatoo of a butterfly should definitely stay covered up. I mean, I was really drunk...I knew you were practicing up to get that gig at Top Notch Tattoos, so I let you experiment on my bald head. MAN that HURT! :) At least no one has to know that the tattoo on my head matches the butterfly tattoo on your lower back...haha, tramp stamp :) Can't cover that one up unless you've been able to grow some back hair??

  25. Don't you remember me? I'm the sales lady who chased you down the mall because I stepped into that puddle you left in our dressing room. Don't you remember how we bonded in the mall security room while you tried to explain how you made the stinking mess I had to clean up.

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  28. Love it That's way better than the cheesy, Stay awesome!

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don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!