Wednesday, December 29, 2010

word verification wednesday 3

it's that time again... the time when i take the stupid wiggly "words" that some people have on their blogs before you can post a comment & i breathe life into them. i give them meaning so that they can go forth & be useful.



dever - a hillbilly born female who fancies herself to be too fabulous for her lifestyle. as in, "paw, i am a dever! i can't muck out that pig sty, i just glued my nails on!"

fuggees - generic pringle-like potato chips. as in, "hand over that tube of fuggees, i need to top off my cholesterol for the day."

plish - pleasant splish splashing in shallow water. as in, "how about we sit in the baby pool out back for a bit of a plish on this sweltering day."

prouto - to leave quickly. as in, "those dudes busted up in here, stole all the cigarillos & then they ran prouto."

boobut - that patch of cleavage that if you see a tight close up, you're not sure if you're looking at butt or boobage. as in, "check out this picture of boobut. do you think it's upper or lower?"

Sunday, December 26, 2010

potty mouth

is it wrong for me to laugh when my kid yells, "stop it, kitty! you're being a BUTTHEAD!!!"


i'd love to blame someone else for that particular snippet of colorful language, but since she has no siblings, neighborhood kids or even school mates to wear the shame shirt, i suppose i'll have to wear it myself. can't you just picture me, my head hanging down, wearing a bright red shirt with bold white letters stating, "potty mouth"? but if you look a bit closer, you might possibly notice a wee smirk sneaking up around one corner of my mouth. the left corner, to be exact. that's the one i can't quite keep under control when i'm trying really hard not to laugh about something inappropriate. like foulish language in children.

ever since i was a kid, i have loved swearing. my parents never use naughty words of any kind. the worst i've ever heard is "crap" out of either of their mouths, so i can't blame them for my potty mouth. when i was young enough not to even know what any of the words meant, my brother dared me to scream out all the dirty words he could think of when we were playing out in the snow one wintery new york day. i guess he figured our parents & all the neighbors had their windows closed, so it was a perfect opportunity to exploit the younger sibling by getting her to do the bad thing. but i did it and with gusto. even though i didn't know their meanings, they felt good sliding off my tongue. it made me feel degenerate and powerful all at the same time.

i never swore around my parents and rarely around anyone at all until i was 20. up till then, i just cussed up a storm in my head. but when i was 20, i decided that going to church & loving God & behaving well wasn't going to be my thing for a while. i was going to take a break, a rumspringa of my own (though we aren't amish). i was going to do any and every depraved thing i'd ever felt like doing as long as i wasn't directly harming others, so it was time to let loose my inner cusser.

for the next few years i threw around any nasty word, phrase or suggestion that passed through my mind. i switched my filters to OFF and let it all fly. i was usually pretty good about cleaning up the language around family members and at church or around other easily offendable folks. and once i had brooke, 8 years ago, i decided it was time to readjust that filter so that my tot wouldn't be tossing F-bombs around town. even though i'm not offended by "bad words", i try to be kind to those who are and therefor i had to teach my kid the same thing, by not talking that way around her.

this has helped me to be more creative with my words. i like to find unique ways of arranging words so that they still carry some punch, but without quite as much filth attached. though, there are still times when a good ole four letter word is still exactly what needs to be said.

so on that note, i hope you all had a really bitchin christmas!
(the pretty colors took the edge off, didn't they?)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

good gifts for happy hineys

today chris had his first day off in over a week. after spending way too many hours & days living in retail purgatory, he was sweet enough to go out today & buy our christmas presents. and by "our" i mean mine & his. because he wanted new speakers & i apparently can't be trusted to pick out technology unattended.

what i wanted was a new computer chair. i spend a lot of time sitting in this chair in the kitchen, between doing school with brooke, blogging, facebooking, eating meals. and after a few years, the cheap seat cushion had gone completely flat. it was like a board with a dumpy old granny towel folded up for padding.

a dude named byron was my hubby's new BFF today at office depot & helped him pick out the perfect chair for me & speakers for himself. and boy did he ever do a good job, because this chair is the greatest gift my butt could get. it was awful to assemble, but the final product is glorious.

doesn't the old one look like it's ashamed of itself? puny & sad, while the new one is majestic & throne-like. ready to serve my hiney's lounging needs.

and chris got his speakers hooked up & working nicely. he commented while we were putting them together, "there are air holes in the tweeters." which, of course, made me giggle. really, hon, air holes in the tweeters? what purpose do such things serve?
"makes them perform better so they won't blow."

ah yes, we're having good times with happy butts and ears in this house.

Monday, December 20, 2010

ultra cute kitty hat

i recently placed an order with erin over at ultra cute crochet for a kitty hat for brooke. as most of you know, brooke likes to wear animal ears on her head pretty much all the time, but when it's cold out & a hat or hood is required, she's sad not to be able to wear her ears. i figured this would be the perfect solution and erin was kind enough to make exactly the hat we were looking for.

when i opened the package & showed brooke the hat just a minute ago, she snatched it out of my hand, crammed it down onto her head & started screaming about how awesome it is & how she's never going to take it off again, not even to sleep.




she even recorded a message for erin to tell her how much she loves it. big thanks & i highly recommend ordering with her if you're looking for anything beautifully made & adorable.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

june freakin cleaver

2010 has been my year for adventurous cooking. i'm horribly bored of all the food i've been eating since i gave up meat 12 years ago & it was time for me to learn now to do some things that are outside of my comfort zone. i got a wok and a food processor for christmas last year & i've been putting them to good use, even making things i've never heard of.

today, we got home from church & i set to work making a nice lunchish meal. i chopped up all kinds of veggies (including parsnips which i've never even seen before yesterday) and made vegetable tarts. it was when i was forming up the edges of the little dough bowls that i looked down at myself - i was making TARTS, for God's sake, wearing a lacy tank camisole, a cardigan and a string of my deceased grandma's pearls and looking for all the world like june freakin cleaver!

it's a good thing i wasn't wearing a bra because at least i was able to tell us apart since i'm sure june never would have been caught around the kitchen without her fancy pantsy bra & girdle & i can assure you, no girdle lives here. this is the belly and booby free zone.

this one's a bit closer to my own personal mantra.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

the love handles cometh

i've learned something about myself this week. i've learned that when i'm really sad, i make jokes. when my stress level is way up high in the sky, i dig into myself and dredge up something to throw out at the world to distract myself & hopefully distract anyone who's looking, from the fact that my heart feels really bad.

take my last post, for example. that was my way of telling you that we won't be able to go home for christmas this year to see our families. my honey works retail management & being that it's the busiest time of the year, his company decided to open a new store on christmas eve & take a bunch of employees from the stores in the area that are already open & leave the older stores short handed. meaning, no days off except christmas day, not leaving enough time for a 6 hr trip.

i don't get to see my family very often. i love and cherish them and enjoy all the time i get to spend with them, but this year, we'll be spending the holidays alone. just like thanksgiving. our families are sad too that we won't be there with our big mouths to liven things up. damn, writing this is making me cry again.

one of my favorite parts of being home around christmas is that both of our moms cook & bake up a storm & they gear their meal plans toward the things that we love. we get to make requests & there's more than enough food for all the days we're there, even if we eat 5 meals a day. i don't have to lift a finger if i don't want to, though i almost always clean up even if i don't help prepare. i don't really like to cook, but i sure do love some home cooked meals.

i guess i'm going to have to do the cooking myself this year because it's not going to feel like christmas if we eat cold cereal for breakfast, frozen pizza for lunch and hamburger helper for dinner. i don't know what i'll make yet, but in the spirit of cooking up some cheer, i made my first attempt at peanut butter balls. and i've got to tell ya, they're freakin awesome. they even came out looking pretty, which is an added bonus.

i also made something tonight that i just love because, well, first of all, it tastes really good, but also, it's pretty and makes my house smell fantastic when it's baking. it's a squash & quinoa casserole.


i'm going to make pumpkin muffins in a few days for chris since he loves them and it's the least i can do to make him feel better during this crappy work season.


so pretty much, what i'm trying to tell you is that i'm drowning my sorrow in food. i can feel my love handles growing as i type this. by the time new years rolls around, i'm likely to be wearing only my fat pants due to seam rippage on anything without a hefty dose of spandex.


UPDATE: for anyone who wants them, here are the recipes for the peanut butter balls and the quinoa casserole.

peanut butter balls
1/2 lb. whipped butter (2 sticks & then whip them when they're soft)

1 cup peanut butter
16 oz powdered sugar
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla
cream together and then freeze for about 20 min in the bowl. once the dough is fairly stiff, you can put a little powdered sugar onto your hands to keep them from sticking while you roll them into balls. put them back into the freezer.
over a double boiler (simmering water in a pot w/ a glass or metal bowl sitting on top of that) melt
12 oz. semi-sweet chocolate
1/8 lb (or less) household paraffin wax cut into small pieces for easier melting (sounds gross to cook with wax, but, they're tasty & pretty).
once that's all melted, let it cool for a few minutes so it's not quite so soupy.
dip all the balls & put onto waxed paper & with any chocolate left over, drizzle it across the tops to make them look fancy.
keep them in the freezer or fridge.

quinoa casserole   (this recipe had chicken in it, but i make it without, so here's my version.)
1/4 cup wild or long grain brown rice
1/4 cup quinoa
1 tsp olive oil
1/2 onion, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
small butternut squash, peeled and chopped into bite sized pieces
2-3 carrots, chopped
2 cups vegetable or chicken broth
1 tsp dry sage or fresh is good too, but use more.
1/4 - 1/2 cup chopped fresh herbs. i like to use parsley, thyme, basil, rosemary. whatever i have on hand.
salt & pepper to taste
1/3 cup shredded cheese
1/2 cup panko bread crumbs
2 tbs butter
oven 350. in a non-stick skillet, over med-high heat, cook dry rice & quinoa with 1 tsp of oil, stirring frequently until they turn golden. about 8-10 min.
in a big, glass baking pan (11x7 or 9x13) combine everything but the cheese, bread crumbs & butter and stir. cover and bake for 50 min.
while it's baking, melt the butter & then mix it with the cheese & crumbs.
after 50 min, uncover & add the topping. bake approximately 10 more minute or until liquid is absorbed.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

colons gone wild

tonight we went out for mexican food at our favorite little place in town. that gives me mixed feelings because i love the food there & i like the unpretentious environment, but usually, it doesn't take long for that bean burrito and queso dip to work their magic on my colon. and my honey likes to go walking after we eat so that the food doesn't just settle straight down into our butts and thighs. but this prospect fills me with fear & trepidation all because of that one time.

that one fateful night... at walmart.

knowing that after a big meal, i often need to make a rapid run to the ladies room, i usually prefer for our post dining walks to be in places with convenient facilities and on this particular night, we were at walmart. it wasn't so much a shopping trip as an exercise in loitering. since chris & i don't care to loiter in the same regions of walmart, i was in the hosiery area and he was off looking at electronics or movies or something more manly than knee highs and toe socks.

suddenly, i felt the gurgle of doom. i had a spike of adrenaline, knowing what was coming. i speedily dialed chris' cell number & in a panicked voice, asked where he was because i needed to get brooke to him as quickly as possible. i hate it when i have to take her with me into a public bathroom stall, especially when it's not going to be just a quick pee. and this - good lord, i could HEAR the rumbles - was not going to be a quick pee. i was starting to run in chris' direction. i was pushing brooke in the shopping cart at breakneck speed, dodging racks & unsuspecting citizens and hoping that i could avoid any collisions because i was pretty sure that if i ran into anyone, i would then have the dubious honor of dying from a butt explosion amongst the cheap outer wear and rain ponchos.

i caught sight of him heading my way and with hardly a thought, i shoved the cart containing my child -who was holding onto the rungs in a white knuckled grip- in chris' direction & then did a rapid course correction & made a bee line for the bathroom. i'm not much of a runner, so it wasn't smooth or fluid, certainly not like anything you'd see in a nikes commercial and i was holding a boob in each hand to keep them from flapping willy nilly between my neck & my navel as i gallumped between racks of flip flops and magazines. i had a look of sheer terror on my face & i knew that i looked insane, but i figured that was a preferable alternative to crapping my underpants as i ran between customers in the self check out aisles.

i thought i was going to make it. i was on the home stretch, racing past customer service, shimmying through tiny cracks between meandering rednecks with my eyes glued to the door of the ladies room. there was no cleaning cart parked out front. good sign. there wasn't a long line hanging out the door. great. but then, i felt it. that hot, horrifying liquid on my backside telling me that i was too slow. that my thigh churning, heart pounding rampage through the store wasn't enough to save my dignity. or my underwear.

i skidded through the doorway & nearly crashed straight into a woman who was the last in a line of 2 women. oh shit. i couldn't wait. i was about ready to belly flop to the floor & slither under a stall to join the unsuspecting piddler on the other side of the wall in hopes that i could wrestle the funky toilet from her butt's grasp. but then i saw that the woman directly in front of me was doing a pee pee dance. and she was very obviously pregnant. i understood that a full-bladdered pregnant woman always trumps others in line in a bathroom, so i couldn't just bash past her for the next available commode. i had to wait my turn.

thankfully, the first lady in line saw the distress of lil miss preggers and she let her go first. then she was standing beside me while i struggled unsuccessfully to contain the need to twitch like a junkie in need of a fix while clenching my anus like it's only ever been clenched that one time at bible study.

i'm sure my aroma was filling the small space all too well and since i probably looked and was acting completely nuts, the woman at the front of the line was gracious enough to also give up her space to me. most likely she thought from the stink of me that i was a homeless wackjob and she didn't want to witness me losing my head & flinging dung like a monkey in the wally world bathroom. whatever the case, i didn't look the gift toilet in the mouth so i raced into the middle stall, dropped my dirty pants & planted my ass firmly on the seat without even checking it visually or covering it in paper first. i figured that what i was bringing to the table was probably worse that whatever had been there before i arrived.

if i had tried to cover the seat in paper, i'd have realized that there was no paper. of course there wasn't. because on the day of my most shame-filled dumping experience, what would serve to make the event more memorable than to poop out 12 lbs of sludge only to have no paper with which to wipe my tookus. i knocked politely on the stall beside me & asked if she might have a square or two of paper that could be spared for a poor, needy neighbor. no response. guess maybe she was trying to ignore me in hopes that what probably sounded & smelled like dysentery wouldn't travel into her corner of the bathroom. i tried the other side & was told that she was fresh out too. where is pleppe when you need him?!

i dug through my purse & found a lonesome linty tissue hiding under a tampon & a cracked lollipop in the bottom of my purse. i used it to the best of my ability, but it was sorely lacking. after some thought, i pulled off my pants that were blessedly cleanish, peeled off my undies and then redressed myself. i was never more thankful than at that moment that i'd made the switch from team thong to team granny panty. at least that gave me a buffer in my moment of leaking distress & they also provided me with more surface area to use as toilet paper.

then the problem of what to do with the soiled skivvies. there was no pad disposal box. i debated flushing them, but holy cow, if they plugged the toilet & caused an overflow, i would feel guilty as well as mortified. there was no toilet paper in which to wrap them, so i settled for grasping them tightly in my fist with the cleanest bits i could find on the outside. i steeled myself for the walk past the ladies in waiting and straight to the trash can. i knew i smelled like a walking dirty diaper, but there was nothing to be done but get though it as quickly as possible. into the trash they went & then i covered them with a layer of paper towels before i went & scoured my hands and arms with the hottest water on tap, as well as large quantities of soap.

i didn't make eye contact with any of the women who were unfortunate enough to be in there at the same time as me. i just kept my face aimed at the ground & marched out of the bathroom. i coated myself in anti-bacterial gel while i wound my way back to the company of my loved ones. we left the store right after that & it wasn't spoken of again. because things like this should really be kept to yourself and never ever shared with anyone.

Monday, December 13, 2010

kicked in the boob

nothing tops off a day of homeschooling hell like getting kicked in the boob at the dinner table by a spastic, scowling child with ice cold feet & then having that same child proceed to vomit out the dinner you just worked on for over an hour. and then, she has the nerve to ask for a cookie.

some days should get a do-over.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

the sounds of the season aka: BAD KITTY!

today started out with noise. i woke up to the sound of my alarm. three different times. i just wanted to snuggle up against my warm, snoring honey, glad that he was finally getting some rest. holiday season working the night shift in a book store means very late nights & lots of stress being shovelled down the corporate ladder, so i was glad he was snoozing peacefully & decided to let him sleep in & skip church this morning.

i left my room to the sound of youtube playing in the kitchen. once again, brooke was up & surfing the webkinz videos. i smiled, happy to know that she's techno savvy & capable of entertaining herself. and also that she's not hunting for naughty business online yet.

a hot shower followed & there may have been some singing of christmas carrols under the steam. then it was brooke's turn under the hot water & when i stepped out of the bathroom to find clothes, i heard the tinkling of a little bell. i stopped in my tracks to think about what it could be. chris was still snoring. brooke was showering. sophie (old cat) was sleeping in my room. that only left nim, the stupid unsophisticated kitten. it was coming from the living room. the room where the christmas tree currently resides. crap. i know that sound - it's the bell on a fancy little ornament that i've had for decades & hung up, along with all the other delicates at the very top of the tree this year in hopes of keeping it out of reach of the furry little minkey.

we've been chasing ms kitten britches out of the tree since the night we put it up. we keep a squirt bottle loaded & ready to fire into the tree at the slightest provocation. she usually just gives us a look like she's grateful that we saved her a trip the water bowl & licks her fur dry just until we turn around or leave the room & then straight back up into the branches again.

but this time, she'd made it all the way to the top. when i came hauling down the stairs in my bathrobe prepared to give her a proper soaking, this is the sight that greeted me.
she was too cute for me to squirt her before taking a couple pics, so she got to prolong her glorious moment in her kitty condo o pine.


then there was the sound of her diving backwards out of the tree & down into the corner with a plop and a thump when i unloaded my water cannon on her. good times.

i'm participating in the show me your tree blog hop & here's the button that should take you into the homes & trees of others if you're interested.

Show Me Your Tree

Friday, December 10, 2010

cool dudes and body image

looking back on my childhood, i'm noticing some things which would indicate that i had a rather twisted version of what was "cool". i was under the impression that big hair, big tits, dark makeup and tiny waists were what made people cool. i wanted so much to have flawless skin - and by flawless, i meant not having either zits or freckles - and a flat stomach. in my head, i placed great value on outward appearance and less on character. maybe that's normal. i don't know. but my version of perfection was completely unrealistic and unattainable. let me give you an example...

looking at this now, my brain is flashing a neon sign that says "ANOREXIA" but when i was 12, this was my dream body. there was no way in the world i could ever have an ass that flat or blocky little flintstone feet. the hair seems kind of manageable, considering i no doubt had a perm at the time. and i did have fingernails like that then, but only because i had glued them on.

but then there was the way i really saw myself...
not exactly a svelte & sinewy gymnast, but at least i demonstrated a sense of self worth by showing me in my karate gi. there seems to be a proportion issue with the arms, or maybe i just needed to do another hundred push ups. and can you believe that eyeliner i wanted to use?  i may have had no waist, but at least i drew myself with a happy face & didn't try to sexy me up at all.

however, my biggest concern for my mindset came when i found this next doozy. the one that i labeled, "Cool Dude."

it's hard to read the labels in the pic, so let me spell them out for you.
on top we have "blue spiked hair with rainbow streaks".
he has a manly nose & jaw as a man of his caliber must.
in front of his face we find "green eye brows" and "long yellow bangs". because, let's be honest here, don't all the cool dudes color their eyebrows green?
behind him we find that he's wearing a "brown, name brand leather jacket" because God forbid it be a knock-off.
"the date" is labeled as well, just in case anyone was wondering what those little numbers were.
i see that he's wearing "awesome green leather pants" which is exactly what you'd expect from a man with green eyebrows because you've got to be coordinated when you leave the house. and there's no such thing as too much leather in any single outfit.
he's got "black boots" that are naturally worn with the pants tucked in. i guess his green leathers were too tight to be pulled over the boots.
and last, but most certainly not least, in his hand, we find that he's got "drugs". what the heck was i thinking?! i'd never even seen drugs to know what they looked like when i was drawing this guy. apparently, in my mind, drugs looked like vivarin because i drew them as little yellow pills, no doubt with an easy-to-swallow coating.

sigh...
it's no wonder my parents worried about me.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

word verification wednesday 2

it's that time again... the time when i take the stupid wiggly "words" that some people have on their blogs before you can post a comment & i breathe life into them. i give them meaning so that they can go forth & be useful.

militat - a tattoo signifying something military related. as in, "check out the semper fi militat on that stud muffin."

ovecupt - boobs that have been crammed into a bra that's too small & are overflowing. as in, "look at the wrinkly, ovecupt hooters on her! you'd think by her age, she'd learn to tuck those things in!"

loncher - a lawn chair notorious for tipping over & launching its occupant to the ground. as in, "no way, make the new guy sit in the loncher this time."

pleppe - a snooty, french bathroom attendant. as in, "why, yes, pleppe, i would like a splash of that cologne. and do you have any good cuban cigars available?"

woofo - the villian in the as-of-yet-unmade "dirty dogs of dallas" movie. as in, "don't worry, bitch, i won't let woofo get within butt-sniffing distance of your dog house."

souzzlf - a delicacy served in canada that consists of fluffy egg whites with ground elves and just a hint of honey drizzled over the top. as in, "waitress, i'd like to order two helpings of the souzzlf tonight. it's such a shame that there aren't more dishes made from elves because they're just so light & delectable."

dicups - a medical condition wherein a man's wiener spasmodically jerks up & down of its own accord. as in, "i hate it when the speaker get a case of dicups. it's very distracting!"

Monday, December 6, 2010

when it stops being fun

a bloggy friend of mine posted the other day asking, "how long will you blog?" i'd never before thought of putting a time limit on it or planning an ending date. it's not a means to an end to me, but rather an outlet & a way to have some fun. i don't often have the chance to just indulge in foolishness & talk funny with my friends, so this has been a fun way for me to kind of do that.

however, in the past few days, i've gotten a little bit stomped on by a stranger on here. she felt the need to make a snarky comment on a post suggesting that a family can't be both honest (whatever crass places that may take us) and also be bible readers. like you can't love God & still make boob jokes. um... God made the boobs & all our other kibbles & bits & if we find humor in them, where's the harm? there was a second comment today, this time done anonymously, where i was told that i was sick & basically saying that i'm attracting the pervs by writing the trash that i write here. (don't bother looking for it, i deleted that one already & changed my comment settings to not allow anonymous writers anymore. sorry if you're one of the nice anonymous visitors.)

ever since i started reading the blogs of others about a year ago, i've stumbled across posts much like the one i'm writing now where the blogger is troubled by some snotty comment made by a stranger or someone they know who's too scared to use their own name. i never figured i'd attract enough attention from the world at large to get the kinds of comments i've read in the comment sections of others. but here we are & i don't especially like it.

i thank the friends of mine who jumped to my defense. i love you guys. i don't want to start any mud slinging. i just do this for fun. when it stops being fun, i guess that's the answer to the question of "how long will you keep blogging?"

Saturday, December 4, 2010

search engines

yesterday i wrote a post that i thought was pretty funny. i got some great comments from some really nice people, (as well as one from a woman who was less nice, but whatever) but the downside is that i've been getting a lot of google traffic from pervs who are coming here looking for... well, i can't say the word because that will continue to attract them. let's just say, they're looking for something w/ the nickname of a large, spitting, desert-dwelling animal's toes.

i've had some funny & some disturbing hits from google searches in the past, but this is one that's getting way too much attention for my comfort level.

here's what i'm getting from my stat counters
4 c@me1 toe               ok, i understand the reason they found me, but eew!
2 c@me1toes
1 loincloth              when will i learn to use words that aren't triggers for wackos?
2 "hyperbole and a half" "do i look pretty"      nothing but good can from being associated with allie at hyperbole and a half
2 booger buddies          really? people search for this?
1 "do i look pretty" hyperbole
1 laughing abs off means
1 "clear rain hat"            i'm pretty sure i've never written anything involving rain hats, clear or otherwise
4 do i look pretty hyperbole and half
1 aspie loincloth         um... yuck!
1 "her face in my boobs"         naughty!
1 why are my abs off              i wish i could honestly type this question!!
1 "do i look pretty" hyperbole
1 girl wet pants roller coaster ohio pee           really?!? this brought them to me?
1 wedgie
1 "cut most of it off" hair          makes perfect sense
1 "peemypanties.com"             oh my. there's a .com for that?
1 vagina
1 big boobs
1 bald bikini girl

as we can see here, there's been a sudden influx of pervy traffic in the past 24 hrs that's showing up here, hoping for a look at something they're not going to find on my page. and for that reason, i'm considering taking down the last post. i really don't want to be attracting the dregs of society to my page, even for the sake of kicks & giggles. if you see that it's gone, or maybe just given some adjustments to hopefully trick the search engines, you'll know why.

Friday, December 3, 2010

c@me1 toe and spicy bubbles

a friend of mine started something on facebook today when she said, "Mothers of daughters-only probably don't have words like boner, penis-fuzz, and nut-stench saved in their phone's auto correct."

and that got me to thinking that yes, she's right. i have no penile references programed into speed type in my phone. that would be pretty much boy or slut specific & neither of those refers to me in the here & now.

however, there are some mothers-of-girls goodies that i bet those mothers of the nut-stenchy, penis-fuzz mamas are missing out on.

when brooke was about 4, she told me that she had a "spicy vagina bubble." um.... a what? she explained that sometimes when she tooted, it went back up rather than out, causing her to have that oh-so-detestable "spicy bubble." she'd squirm & wriggle trying to free herself from that troublesome bubble. i thought it was pretty funny, but tried not to laugh at her serious little face because to her, it was no laughing matter.

a couple weeks later, we were out to dinner with a friend of ours who was, at the time, a 19 year old guy (still a guy, i think, but no longer 19). brooke loved brandon & was sitting beside him, chattering happily when suddenly she went silent & a strange look crossed her face. brandon asked what was wrong. she didn't even hesitate before telling him very seriously that she had another spicy vagina bubble. he was pretty sure he must have heard her wrong, so he asked her to repeat it. and of course she did, even more loudly and clearly than before. chris & i were choking on our tacos & sputtering for her not to say it again. brandon still wasn't sure & wasn't satisfied with "never mind. it's nothing, never mind. she's fine." so there i sat, in mo's defining just what a spicy vagina bubble is to a boy who was learning a valuable lesson - never ask for an explanation when a kid speaks & the parents choke, particularly if you think you might have heard the word vagina.

another little gem happened in target last summer. it was the end of the season, but brooke had outgrown all her bathing suits just in time for her pool party. so we were shopping for a new one & trying them all on since apparently she doesn't have that swanky, easy to fit body that most 7 year olds have. a friend called while we were in the dressing room & was curious as to why we'd be getting her a new suit when she'd probably outgrow it before the next swimming season. i covered the phone & whispered, "i don't want to see c@me1-toe on my child in the birthday party pictures."

little did i know little hawk-ears was eavesdropping as usual & scowled at me and asked very clearly, "mommy, why did you say i have C@me1 toes? i do NOT have C@ME1 TOES!" i could hear snickering coming from under the other dressing room walls on either side of us.


yeah, i bet moms of boys don't have "spicy vagina bubbles" and "c@me1-toe" programed into their phones.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

word verification wednesday

as most of you probably know, when you comment on many blogs, there's a word verification process wherein you need to type some gibberish in order to leave your comment. for me, that's a pesty extra step, so i took it away in order to hopefully make commenting on my blog a more pleasurable experience. but that doesn't mean i get to skip that step when commenting on other people's blogs. it was suggested by eva over at wrestling with retirement that we should save these "words" & refurbish them into useful contributors in our language. i think that's a great idea, so i've been writing them down each time i've run into them this week & i'd like to present you with my new suggestions for webster.

haliaku - a haiku written specifically about halitosis. as in, "students, this week we've been studying dental hygiene and the art of japanese poetry, so now i want you to each write a haliaku"

stionate - someone's who's fashion taste got stuck in another era. as in, "that stionate needs to get out of the 80's because color blocking and florescents do nothing for her hips."

trubidi - a woman who's been a chronic gossip her whole life. as in, "i swear, that trubidi's been talking crap about people since she learned to form words."

anter - an entomologist who takes a special interest in ants. as in they'd write in their personal ad, "anter seeking female with pointy mandibles and curvaceous abdomen."

lumpers - slang for a venereal disease common among soldiers. as in, "how many more men are going to catch the lumpers before they start using the rubbers they're given?"

dimids - a group of dumb kids. as in, "some years a teacher gets a great class, other years, nothing but dimids."

wactio - what you call your crappy import car that's green, but has no power and won't drive faster than 38 mph. as in, "you'll be sorry you bought that wactio when you need to bash it out with the crazy shoppers on black friday."

spoldbab - a vile smelling, moldy substance sometimes found in spongebob's tighty whities. as in (spoken in my crabs' voice) "spongebob, maybe if you changed your underwear sometimes, you wouldn't get that spoldbab and drive away all our customers."

Monday, November 29, 2010

the christmas fiasco of '87

i was thinking about writing a christmas story to help out tracy at "it's an average life" while she takes some time off from writing, but doesn't want her blog to go silent. i was digging through my brain bank of christmases past & there's one that stands out from my typical childhood holidays.

all through our growing up years, my brother & i almost always knew where our parents stashed our christmas presents. they'd told us the real deal on santa when we were only 3 and 4, so it only went to reason that if there was no santa, then the gifts must be stashed somewhere nearby. it wasn't long before our parents wised up to our snooping & put a padlock on the basement cupboard where the goodies were being stored. that shut us down for a few years... until we moved into a new house that didn't come equipped with such a conveniently lockable storage space.


it didn't take us long to start up our snooping ways afresh when we moved & realized that the hiding options were limited. we figured that the most secure location in the house was probably our parents' bedroom, so we took a divide & conquer approach & it wasn't long before we hit pay dirt. we found stuff in the dresser drawers & a bonus batch of loot in the bottom of their closet.

we kept up the digging & sneaking each time my parents were expected to be out of the house for at least half an hour. it seemed like that left us enough of a buffer to check for any newly acquired goodies & still get out without being caught. we'd keep each other informed if we found things for each other so that there would be no surprises come christmas morning. if we only had limited time, we'd hit the closet first because that's where mom kept the good stuff. the dresser was mostly the piddly stocking stuff like gum, cheapie toys and maybe some bags of rubber bands (we loved to shoot each other with them).

by this time we were probably 10 and 11 & we did the naughty spying for at least 2 years, undiscovered. our parents had laid down the law at some point & made it perfectly clear that if they ever found out we'd been peeking at our presents, those very presents would be returned to the store & we would not get them.

we thought we were master spies. we thought we'd never get caught. we thought wrong.

i clearly remember being deep into the pile on mom's side of the closet, admiring the cute new clothes i'd be getting in just a few days. chris was digging through his own future belongings...when we heard a noise. we both froze for a moment before starting to frantically stuff things back into the spaces where we'd found them. we usually tried to be precise about putting them away, but this time it was more about speed so we wouldn't get caught with our heads tangled in mom's dresses & our fingers in the cookie jar.

we weren't fast enough. in less time than we'd have dreamed possible, mom had made it up the stairs & into her bedroom & caught us in the act of spying. there was no way to deny it. the evidence was plain as day for all of us to see. and i've got to give my mom credit for thinking on her feet because she separated us right away & gave us paper & pens & told us to write down everything we'd found. since we'd made sure to keep each other informed about every scrap we came across, we couldn't plead ignorance about anything even if we hadn't laid eyes on it ourselves. and since we were separated & didn't know what the other would write, we had to put it all down there, on paper, to damn ourselves or risk even further punishment for trying to lie by omission. HO-LY CRAP!

she compared our lists & consulted with dad; all the while we tried to hide away where we wouldn't be seen & might possibly be forgotten about altogether rather than face the consequences that we knew were coming our way. i don't remember any yelling, just that eery silence that should never exist in a happy home with 4 lively kids. silence...

it seemed like it would never end. we whispered together about whether or not they'd actually go through with their threats. they were usually pretty solid about sticking to what they'd said, but in this case, surely they wouldn't take away our whole christmas! surely they loved us enough to have pity on our souls. if there was any love in the world, they would have to change their minds & let us have all those beautiful presents in their stash.

a couple days later, it was christmas eve. it was a saturday. dad didn't have to go to work that day, so it was decided that it was time for the presents to all be returned. my dad & brother drove around town & took back all the gifts that we'd thought we would be getting. i stayed home & helped mom cook & bake the festive food. i wasn't mad at my parents because in my heart, i knew that i'd broken the rules. i knew that i wasn't exempt from the rules & that there were repercussions for my actions. i was sad, but i'd learned a valuable lesson that i knew would stick with me for my whole life. if mom & dad said it, i could be darn sure they meant it. they meant business even in the things that hurt them too.

the next day, the space under the tree was pretty sparse. mostly just gifts for my little sisters & the ones that chris & i were giving to the family. we didn't wake up at 3am ready to pounce on our stockings. we actually got some sleep for a change and we woke up calm rather than hyper. we actually remembered the true meaning of christmas for once because we weren't distracted by all the presents we hoped for or got.

as it turned out, we got a few little stocking things each. they must have been hidden somewhere else where we hadn't discovered them. i got the fake nails that i'd been dreaming of. i'd always had crappy nails & wanted to have long, luxurious nails to tap constantly on any hard surface, but my parents had never thought i was old enough for them. this was my lucky fingernail year. and i also got the jean jacket from the gap that i'd been coveting for so many months. it was one of the things that i'd been so excited to find in the closet & was heart sick knowing it was going back to the gap to be owned by some other girl who'd be cooler than me.

i was shocked & amazed to find this most precious item wrapped up under the tree because i was sure it went back to the mall with everything else. my brother also got his most desired item. my parents told us that even though we'd broken the rules & we didn't deserve to receive these gifts, they were having mercy on us. like Jesus had mercy on the world by dying on the cross for all of us who didn't deserve his love & forgiveness.

that's a lesson that i'll never forget.

mini bible reader

in the midst of all of the stresses of life and anxiety we have to face, brooke has discovered how good it makes her heart feel to read her bible. every night she takes her pretty purple bible up to her top bunk, burrows under the covers, clicks on the book light i loaned her & buries herself in God's words. she especially likes the parts in the new testament that are written in red because those are the words of Jesus & she feels like he's speaking directly to her when she reads them.

i got this picture last night & it makes my heart feel all warm & snuggly.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

princess sabrina's artistic debut

once upon a time, in the early 1980's, there lived a young princess named sabrina. she lived in a small kingdom & was betrothed to her faithful sheltie dog, dana. she dreamed of growing up to be a dallas cowboy cheerleader & wearing sexy white boots.























until such time as she could grow up & make all her dreams come true, she filled her days with drawing. she had a giant green book with nothing but blank pages that represented possibilities for endless fashion creations. she would draw herself as she dreamed she could be... when her boobs grew in.











this book was recently unearthed in the childhood home of sabrina's parents where it was picked over by an unkind & disenchanted art critic. because you see, sabrina didn't grow up to be the ruler of a kingdom or even to marry her sweet pooch. nor did she get to be a dallas cowboy cheerleader, but she has been known on occasion to wear sexy white boots & her boobs did grow in. boy, did they ever grow in. sabrina actually lived a life that was like the reverse of cinderella - she went from princess to scullery maid. maybe that's why she now views the early drawings as something to be mocked rather than celebrated.

let me share them with you now & allow you to judge for yourself. (click pictures if you'd care to see them more closely.)
almost every page has some form of dialog, or at least the names of the characters represented.
here we have sharon and johnny. she comes across as a flirt & he stands out primarily for his thick, lumpy neck & oddly shaped legs. i do, however, i do like sharon's boots. but her sleeves are too short & her boobs look very unrealistic for a girl with her waist size.











next we have a mermaid on a tiny island with a death grip on a coconut. that is some impressive hair she's got there & i like the way her arm bends like it's made from a pipe cleaner rather than bones.













here we have carrie and lorie. carrie is apparently anorexic, but is wearing a very full skirt to camouflage the bones protruding from her hips. and lori... i'm not even sure what to say about her. she appears not to be of the standard human variety, but rather something of the 4 fingered, mutant somewhat smurfy variety. but of course, she wouldn't be a female as drawn by sabrina if she didn't have at least teeny tiny titties on her chest.










meet bobby. there are so many things wrong with this picture that i'm not even sure where to start. first of all, what's with the massively rosie cheeks? does he live outside in a frigid land? and the wink... it's downright strange. he's got dainty little girl lips that actually, if you look closely aren't even 2 lips, but rather one uni-lip. also, there seems to be a heavy earwax situation going on. and i haven't even mentioned his hair! why are his bangs so thick & dark? and the way it falls in front of his ears all the way to his rounded chin is troubling me.







 here we have another lori with much better hair than the last one. she's got a smattering of freckles that probably were meant to represent sabrina who was frequently called "freckle face" by the peasants in her kingdom. her lips are skinny, but shapely and i think i see something wistful & happy in her eyes like she's thinking of a happy time, frolicking in the woods, picking flowers for her grandma.










the final offering i've got for you tonight is one sabrina did that shows her love of dance, however oddly. this is julie, and she is doing the jig. there's some serious rigidity going on in julie's movements. i think johnny #5 from the movie "short circuit" probably had better moves than julie, but she gets credit for trying. her legs seem to be rather shapely & once again we see the representation of the boots that sabrina loves and the boobs that she craves.










i think i'll conclude this story of princess sabrina's artwork for tonight, but if you're interested, there's plenty more where that came from. and feel free to add your own critique to that of the later-in-life, snarky non-princess sabrina.

Friday, November 26, 2010

nunya

last night it was late when i was getting brooke to bed & i was so tired after lying on my bed, reading books to her that when she stretched herself along the length of my back, i decided to just wear her like a blanket and go to sleep. in our house, bedtime has a routine. there's an order & a pattern & we never ever let brooke sleep in our bed or tuck her in her own bed without prayers & songs. but i was too tired to move. eventually, when she was convinced that i was serious, she ran into her room for her pillow & a stack of stuffed animals. she built the great wall of china with stuffies serving as stones right down the center of my bed. i had to decree that only 3 could stay since i didn't want it to be a big deal when we moved her back to her own bed later, so she hemmed & hawed before picking the top three furry friends of the day.

then i realized that i had to pee and take some decongestant. and remove my jeans. and wash both our hands. and turn on a noisemaker with waves to make us sleep well. by the time all of this was done, i was pretty much wide awake again & wished i'd never started this whole thing to begin with. but it was too late to back out without drama, so we both crawled between the snuggly, flannel sheets. it only took her a few moments to start talking. "mom, what's your favorite color? what's your favorite food? what was your favorite part of our new mexico trip?"

i was fading quickly, but trying to keep answering her questions. then i cracked open an eye & realized that she was still wearing a headband with big, tall ears. we had a good laugh about wearing her ears in bed & then she reached over & patted me & said, "am i your friend or your daughter right now? because this feels like a sleepover to me."

my heart smiled & i realized that since she doesn't have a lot of contact with other kids & she's got no siblings, she needs more stuff like this. more times when i get onto her level & stop trying to make her behave or teach her things, but rather, just hang out.

last night we went to a friends house for post-meal visiting. i saw her playing with a box that their cat loves & reminded her not to break it. as i walked away, she told the other people in the room that her mom doesn't like the things she does. that makes me sad. it's hard to juggle being fun-mom with being business-mom. it's my job to teach & advise her, but she also needs me to be fun.

today we were chatting with some friends & she was asked, by an adult, what she likes to do in the morning before mom & dad wake up. her reply? "nunya." by which she meant none-ya-business. oh my gosh! gulping down my embarrassment at even remembering that rudeness, however funny it sounds when she says it back & forth with daddy.

i still feel like i've got a lot to learn about being a parent & to brooke in particular. but she just informed me that she's cleared the space beneath her bunk bed out & changed it from cave mode to tent mode & it's ready for her little pink christmas tree to be set up & decorated. so i suppose it's time to get off here & go be mom to my little dumpling of wackiness.

but before i go, i'd like to thank tracy over at it's an average life for a blog award of... well... it's called "the tanned hide blog award." i'm not entirely clear on what that means, but here it is & thanks, trace!













and now it's time to get out the first of the christmas stash.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

thanksgiving men of genius

we celebrate our thanksgiving the day before the official holiday every year because due to the retail world of wonder that is chris' life, he always has to work on thanksgiving. that means that today was the big day for us, just the three of us, and i think for the first time, i did every scrap of cooking myself.  i'm a vegetarian, so in the past i've skipped cooking the turkey legs for chris that he likes & he did them himself. i've also neglected to make the pumpkin pie since i don't like it & won't eat it. but i've realized that maybe it's a wee bit selfish of me to only cook the foods that i like, so today i did it all, including turkey & pies (on a little side note, i'm kinda proud that i didn't even use the microwave at all for the whole meal except as a timer or storage receptical. i felt so old fashioned!). he did all the grocery shopping (which included 4 trips to the store, 2 of which were done today) and the clean up which was wonderfully helpful to me.

i've had a thought about thanksgiving - you know how you always see people on tv & in movies dressing up for the big meal? do any of you do that? because i'm thinking we should veer in the opposite direction. i think we should declare thanksgiving to be "pajama day" and everyone just stays in their jammies all day. that way, everyone's comfortable (unless aunt martha wears her 30 yr old honeymoon nightie), it doesn't matter if we spill on ourselves while cooking or eating. we'd be all set for our post-gobbling nap, and best of all, ELASTIC WAISTBANDS!

last thanksgiving i was at my parents' house for the big meal & was affectionately greeted by their st bernard, anna, who proceeded to rub her face all over my shirt when i sat down. so i ate dinner with slimy streaks of what looked like slug trails & boogers all over my chest. pajamas would have made it all just a little more tolerable.







i'm guessing a lot of you have heard the budweiser commercials where they salute "real men of genius" with very amusing lyrics & not particularly good song quality. those commercials never fail to make me giggle when they come on & i was delighted to discover today that some of them were made into tv commercials too, available for our viewing pleasure & not just our auditory pleasure. and now i'll share a couple of them with you.








on this thanksgiving, i'd like to thank budweiser for their real men of genius series.

Monday, November 22, 2010

this will make you feel better about yourself

ever since i was a kid, i've had a tendency to take some seriously hideous pictures. my brother seemed to have a knack for catching my face in it's worst possible shape whenever he took a picture of me & the trend continues. it makes me wonder if i spend a lot of my time with my face screwed up into grotesque shapes in order for it be captured on film so very many times. i try to delete the ugliest of the ugly before they get loaded onto the computer, but sometimes, they sneak through like little wastards.

and since i'm not too proud to put my shame out there into bloggy land, here are few of the gems that i currently have in my photo repertoire. just gaze upon these & feel better about yourself.
i love a good cat butt in my face

rodent mouth?

why yes, that's a kitten in my pocket. and no, i have no eyebrows.

there are no words...

i'm blending into the corn stalks!

taking pictures in the bathroom is always advisable.


wow. looks like i spent a long night drinking. it's an illusion.

brooke did my makeup so i'd look like a rockstar. the attitude was all me though. rock on, dudes!

barf













you're welcome.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

new mexico trip

we spent a week out in the high desert of santa fe, new mexico, and brooke flew like a champ! we breezed through security the first time with no hitches & the second time only lost a tube of kids toothpaste (you know how bombers love to use kids crest to blow stuff up). brooke insisted that she needed to wear the coyote ears that i made for her & she mostly enjoyed the comments from strangers, but was slightly pissed off when they asked her if she was a reindeer or a cat or a horse or some other foolish animal. funny how personally she takes it when someone guesses wrong.

as we boarded the first plane, she told the flight attendant that it was her first time flying & that earned her a trip straight into the cockpit where she got to sit in the pilot's seat & have a little photo shoot with the pilot & co-pilot. it cracked me up as i peered around the doorway to see her posing with her new found buddies like she's a flying pro & does this every day.




we had a hard time putting our cameras down for most of the whole week we were gone & came home with tons of great pics that i won't force you to endure. what's that? you want to see them? ok, you talked me into it, so maybe i'll just share a few.


my friend, cristi, who we stayed with has a huge great dane named moses & brooke spent a large portion of her trip caressing him. she was mesmerized by his sheer magnitude and his mouth. she loves dog jowls & teeth & likes to poke into there for a peek at the goods whenever a dog will allow it. i think mo had more attention lavished on him over the 5 days we were there than he even knew what to do with.





it was great to stay up late & talk to one of my childhood friends. we hadn't seen each other in 5 years, but we jumped right back in like no time had passed at all. it just took some time to catch each other up on all the things that we've missed. the good, the bad & the ugly.

brooke & i took ourselves out for a walk in the freezing, windy, beautiful air a couple times while cristi was working and one of those times i managed to get us just a smidge lost. we actually walked straight across the road where we were supposed to turn & kept right on trekking along until brooke started crying that we were lost & would never get back. we sat down on the sidewalk for a few minutes to recover and then kept going - in the wrong direction. my cell phone had died while we were out because i was chatting up my mom while my service was roaming. oops. but eventually we found our way back & didn't get eaten by any of the wildlife that roams freely in that area. and we got some great pictures while we were on our never-ending walk, so it was worth it!





i also wanted to tell you guys that i missed you. i feel like i left my blogging buddies behind while i was away & i'm trying to get caught up on all the happenings in the blogosphere.