do it yourself pedi

i'm feeling compelled to admit to a stupid foot issue. i'm afflicted with scaly old man feet, much like al penwasser's. they are the bane of my existence, but i can't usually afford to get pedicures to keep them properly maintained. i haven't found any balms or creams that make much of a difference, so sometimes i resort to using one of those razor scraper things that are illegal in some states. the first time someone used one on me while i was paying for a pedicure, i was giddy to see all those slices of skin falling off my feet. i knew they'd be so soft by the time i was done & i was pleased with the results. so i bought one on those nifty razor, cheese grater thingies for myself a couple years ago so that i could keep the softness going for free. the first time i used it, i perched on the edge of the tub for a good soak before starting up with my deadly weapon against dry crackliness and then when i deemed my tootsies to be sufficiently soggy, i started scraping. it was mesmerizing to see those snowy layers peel away like the garbage they were, leaving my feet pink & fresh. i kept it up for so long that i'm pretty sure i had about a pound of dead skin removed. i was delighted with the results. for about half an hour. then i realized my heels were starting to hurt. my skin wasn't just a rosy pink anymore, it was rapidly approaching a blood red, mainly due to the fact that i had removed almost all of the pesky skin that's generally used to hold my blood inside my feet. i was about 2 layers away from a free flowing bloody foot situation. i had to walk around on my toes for days to avoid my heels having any contact with the floor. or shoes.

you'd think i would have learned my lesson, but alas, i wasn't that smart. by the time the pain subsided i was so happy to have soft, childlike feet for the first time in my adult life, that i managed to block out the previous pain & shortly thereafter, i did the very same thing again. i'd vowed after the first incident that i wouldn't make the same mistake again, but like a woman who suffers through childbirth, once the pain is gone, all she remembers is the happiness and joy that her new child brings. i thought i could do the job without getting carried away, but clearly, i have no restraint when it comes to grating the skin from my feet. i get so happy about the storm of skin showering down around me that i can't reign in the urge to just keep scraping.

after the second round of near-death by foot shaving, i wised up & put the razor away. until today. i broke it out again tonight, determined to do the job without overdoing it. all was going well till i sliced a hunk of meat out of my heel & started bleeding. and not just a wee bit of a bloody dribble, it was practically a gusher. i tried to put some peroxide in it, but that just turned into a disgusting, foaming red sludge plopping into the water. i was glad there were no sharks nearby because i was definitely calling to them with my blood. then i shaved off a strip of ankle skin on the other leg when my hand slipped & that created a second bleeding situation.

i guess it's time to put the cheesy foot grater away again until another year, when the pain is gone and i only have memories of soft, delicate girlie feet. until then, i'll hobble around on my toes and keep a tube of antibacterial gel handy. maybe next time, i'll try the fish.