my mom & i have a lot of fun together. she's one of those delightful humans who thinks i'm pretty funny sometimes, so of course that just encourages me to do and say even wackier things. i know it's been a really good day for mom & i when one of us wets our pants.
i don't know how many of you remember my little post about my beloved pablo, the metal tooth picker, but he's become something of a family legend since i fell in love with him about a year ago. you can go HERE to read of my twisted, but devoted and on-going love affair with pablo.
yesterday when i was visiting my parents house, i inadvertently left pablo at their house. i didn't realize it until i was home & munching popcorn last night. i nearly had a panic attack, but then found my spare picker, which was sufficient, but not as satisfyingly pointy as pablo.
early this morning i got a text from my mom's number. it said,
"I've got Pablo.Leve$5 million in small unmarkd bills behine the dumster at red lobstr b4 midnite tamorro.After I have cownted the $ we will negoshiate his retrn."
after i had a giant, unexpected early morning guffaw, i texted back,
"oh my gosh, that's hilarious! i realized i left my sweet sweet pablo behind. i could flog myself."
but mom wasn't done yet.
"this aint no jock lady. Pay up or he dis."
me, "please, please don't hurt my beloved! i can't live without him. I'll pay!"
mom/gangsta, "hes safe here 4 now but he gets no food. hes a winer so you bedder hurry up becuse i hat the sownd of his wining and i mite looz my pashints with him."
me, "what will you do to him if he whines?"
mom/gangsta, "Start fileing his point til he shuts the heck up."
me, "oh no, not the point! that's his best feature and he has body image issues. i'll give you some publicity if you want, just leave his point intact. i'll blog about you & send out your message. anything you want!"
mom/gangsta, "Tell evrybuddy the mony is being donaded to chairity. And tell them i mene bisness. This littel winer is geting on my last nerv so herry up."
mom/gangsta again cuz i was slow in replying, "I jist had sumbuddy offr to take him off my hands for $1 million today. Now you hav til 11:59 tonite to pay or luze."
me, "i'll pay but only if his point is whole and sharp. don't rough him up!"
mom/gangsta, "He shut up wen i tuchd the file to his winy littel tip. Now hese just quivring like a cowerd. I hate thees jobs."
me, "most guys would shut up if you put a file on their tip. Pablo's no dummy."
mom/gangsta, "Wimp. Jelyfish. Keesh."
me, "you picnappers are all alike. uneducated thugs just looking to ruin someone else's life with your casual disregard for the things others hold dear."
and so ended the ridiculous pablo saga. or maybe it's not over yet. i'll go over tomorrow to attempt to ransom my precious pablo and i'm hoping he hasn't been damaged. maybe i'll find him in a tiny, locked box with file marks around the edges & nary a hole through which to breathe.