Wednesday, September 21, 2011

bible study gas x2

several years ago we moved to chattanooga because we felt like God was leading us there to start a post modern church. it seemed a bit odd since there are already so many churches in that town, but we clearly believed that we were following God's leading by going there. very shortly after we arrived, we found a few other people who shared our vision & they were already meeting at some one's house on a regular basis for a bible study & some worship time.

we were finally able to work out the details for us to be able to attend one of the meetings (we needed child care because brooke was only 1 at the time & it wasn't convenient for her to be there) where we met the group, mostly for the first time. it was pretty exciting for us to be meeting these people since we really felt like this was the beginning of a big new life change for us & these people were likely to be a part of it. we wanted to make a good impression so that they'd want us to be a part of their group.

we arrived at this big, fancy house & found about 10 or so people there already hanging out & eating. there was a big spread of food & they were kind enough to have some veggie dishes since they knew i was a vegetarian. i was touched that they'd do that since most of the time when i go to a dinner like that i end up eating chips & dip as my meal because it's the only thing without meat. i happily piled 2 spicy black bean burgers onto my plate & proceeded to chow down.

after the meal, the lights were turned down & we all sat in chairs in a circle in their fancy living room. we had some nice music & a short bible study about foot washing. then someone busted out a big bowl & some soap & water & we were instructed that we'd each be washing the feet of the person to the right of us. chris & i were not sitting next to each other. i was between 2 other men, both close to my dad's age & virtual strangers to me. i started to feel really nervous. this was WAY outside my comfort zone! the only feet i'd ever washed besides my own were my sweet little baby's feet & i imagined they were a far cry from the feet of the man beside me!

now, to increase my discomfort, my stomach started churning, a little at first & then more & more until i could audibly hear it rumbling. i swear, i felt like it was echoing off the dimly lit walls & surely everyone could tell it was coming from me. the washing started a couple people away from me & went in the opposite direction, so i had a little bit of free time while everyone sat quietly & respectfully & waited their turn to have clean feet. i whispered to someone next to me for directions to the bathroom & was pointed to a door directly behind us. i went in there & realized that there was no way in the world i could release the massive build up of gas that was smashing around in my guts without everyone in the next room hearing me. i nearly cried! i couldn't figure out how to fart silently (as i'd learned once before when i tried to plug it with my finger & only managed to fart a very loud, high pitched whistle. but that's another story) and i dared not to even drop my pants out of fear of the coming explosion. so i waited a moment, did the obligatory hand washing & walked back to my chair, doing my own personal rendition of "dead woman walking."

slowly, timed dragged past. i think these people must have been enjoying the process because they certainly took their time about it! inside my head i was screaming, "come on folks, this isn't the time for a full on pedicure & massage, let's move it along!" but outwardly i sat silently with everyone else & prayed that they couldn't hear my painfully gut wrenching gurgles.

finally, the man next to me kneeled down & started washing my feet. in the best of circumstances i wouldn't have liked this. the symbolism of it went completely over my head and all i could think about was how desperately i didn't want to blow a blast of gas at this strange man as he rubbed between my toes. don't think about the tickle! don't think about the awkwardness! focus solely on anal clenching!

ok, i got through my washing, but i still had to manage to wash the dude on the other side of me! so in a rush, i got down on the floor & plunked his feet into the bowl. i wanted to go at turbo speed, but i quickly realized that being in a squatting position, putting pressure onto my stomach & leaning forward required a whole new level of sphincter control. oh my gosh! i felt sure that a noxious cloud of greenish-black smoke & foul stench was going to torpedo out of my backside at any second if i didn't hurry up & get this job done! it had to have been the least thorough washing to have ever occurred. i didn't care. let them think i wasn't a thorough bather or had a phobia of feet. whatever they wanted to think, so long as they didn't know that more than anything in the world i wanted to fart out the 96 million pounds of pressure that had built up in my guts.

when the washing was finished, i attempted to say my goodbyes as quickly as i possibly could without being totally rude. i still wanted these people to like me. i used the "baby at home w/ a sitter" excuse & ran for the door w/ chris right behind me. i did the clench & waddle out the door at the fastest speed i could manage till i got to the car. chris pulled away from the curb & we both started rolling down our windows simultaneously. we looked at each other & started laughing hysterically as we farted ourselves silly in the car, because all the while i was suffering in there, i didn't realize that he was suffering from the same affliction! he'd had the bean burgers too!

ever since then, we've dubbed that feeling "bible study gas" & we both know it's time to clear the room or roll down the windows when one of us catches a case of it.


  1. It's a shame that you didn't relax the O-Ring and make a joyful-if pungent-noise unto the Lord.
    Religion. It's a gas, gas, gas.
    OK, enough fart jokes.
    Gotta go.
    And by go, I mean "go."

  2. Washing feet? I have never heard about that religious practice. Were you invited back since you washed speedily?

  3. well, you know me, I get the gas issue, i get it way too much!!!

    As for washing the feet of strangers, well good lord (no pun intended), you deserve an award on that one!

  4. Oh my goodness...HOW AWKWARD!!! That cracks me up! Sometimes, I forget how horrible that can be now that I don't work anymore. Every time I volunteer in one of the kids' classes, I have to make sure I don't have any air producing food beforehand! lol!

  5. You're so funny, and gassy! How long have you been a veggie?

  6. Those situations are the worst. I probably would have just took my chances with farting in the bathroom and hoped it was a silent one. ;)

  7. we did get invited back, but we weren't the only ones who felt awkward about the foot washing, so the lady who planned it was no longer allowed to plan things that most everyone else disliked. and since then, the whole group fell apart. maybe it was because of the coerced pedicures.

  8. they were washing feet??? Oh Sherilin, you know how this touches my heathen button.

    Anyhoo, I'd make you something vegetarian if you came over, Sherilinnie! I'd never let you be stuck with just chips and dip!

    Do you ever feel sometimes like you're the only person in the world who occasionally suffers from debilitating after-dinner gas?!?

  9. My husband and I were at a symphony one night and I had horrible gas. As they were playing it was really loud so I decided it would be ok to let one go because no one would hear it. As soon as I let a massive one go the symphony stopped playing and my fart echoed off the walls. It was so embarassing that I got up and left!

  10. karen, it kind of made me feel inclined toward heathenism too. gross. i get the point they were trying to make, but the society when foot washing took place was back at a time when regular bathing wasn't possible. this is a brave new world we live in where we can all wash our own dang feet.
    paula, that's freakin hilarious! but you know that by getting up, you were almost as good as claiming it.

  11. Hahahahahah! Blech! I'm laughing and gagging at the same time. Never had that happen before.

  12. My friend has a similar story involving a full roll of Fig Newtons. :-)


  13. Wow! We're both totally on the same wave length with the potty humor this week!

  14. Oh, how funny- although I know it wasn't at the time! Still laughing-

  15. LMAO!! Seriously, this is classic!

  16. definitely know how to tell a good story just right. So very funny.


don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!