Wednesday, April 6, 2011

espresso please, and make it a double

you know what i wish? i wish i liked coffee. the people who love it seem to be so dedicated and loyal to their coffee. it's as if they slurp joy from a cup in a way that i just can't comprehend. when i was growing up, my mom drank tea & my dad drank coffee, so i grew up thinking that coffee was for the manly men and women should be dainty and delicate with their honey-laced tea. it wasn't until i was in junior high that i realized that women could drink coffee too and it didn't mark them as masculine.

shortly after i gave up on college, i started thinking that maybe i'd try the coffee bit. the people who loved it seemed more mature somehow, since coffee is forbidden to children due to it's supposed growth-stunting powers. i tried sips from the cups of others once in a while, but it tasted bad, so i didn't understand what all the fuss was about.

it wasn't until i was on a first date with a man who was the gymnastics coach to the kids that i nannied that i ever entered a coffee shop. he'd apparently been checking me out for a while (he admitted later that he & the other coaches all called me "busty nanny") and when we ran into each other in public one day, he asked me out. our first date was to include a trip to starbucks & then a walk around a park. sounded okay to me and i was pretty sure i could figure out something to order.

we walked into starbucks and i looked up at the board with all the menu options. i was overwhelmed by choices for things that i didn't understand. i wanted to appear cool and sophisticated and didn't want to admit that i'd never had a cup of coffee in my life and didn't even know how to order something since the choices didn't appear to be in english. someone in front of me got a cute little cup of something and i thought, since i don't think i like coffee, i'll just get myself a tiny little cup like that, so i won't have to suffer through very much of it. i ordered what i thought the other customer had, "i'll take an expresso, please." i didn't realize there was no x in it at the time. the barista asked if i'd like to make it a double. i hemmed & hawed for a moment, not sure what the right answer was, so my date stepped in & answered that yes, i'd like a double. what the heck, i figured, make it a double, whatever that means. if i'm going to do this, i might as well go all out.

we took our drinks & headed out the door for the adjacent park. my date asked if i drink espresso often & i admitted that, no, this was my first time. he raised his eyebrows and said, "oh, wow and you got a double! brave girl!" umm... i didn't understand because i'd thought i was making a very timid choice, what with it being such a tiny little drink and all.

i took a few sips and of course, hated it. i walked past several trash cans, wishing i could toss that dixie cup of toxic waste in and be done with it, but i didn't want to be rude. my date had, after all, paid about $5 bucks for the dumb thing. so i decided to do what i did in bars when i wanted to get my drink on, but hated the taste of alcohol. i turned that bad boy bottom up & slammed it. i turned my face turned away from the coach as i cringed & tried not to gag. okay, mission complete. i'd had my first cup of coffee. not something i wanted to do again any time soon, but it hadn't killed me, so i was rather pleased with myself. i sure was glad i'd chosen such a little one so i didn't have to choke down one of those big drinks.

we strolled around the park for a bit, making polite conversation. that's when the gurgles started. i tried to ignore them for as long as possible, but they only got louder & more insistent. i finally had to ask for directions to the nearest bathroom. at that point, there was no time for a leisurely meander back toward the facilities, so i left my dude in the dust & took off on espresso powered legs. my stomach was angry. very angry. it did not want to release me from its wicked grasp, so i was a prisoner for much longer than i would have liked.

i eventually got back out to my date, who by then was wondering if i'd snuck out a back way & taken a cab home. i didn't care to discuss the situation, so we resumed our walk, but it wasn't long before i was sprinting back again for another round. after i emerged for the second time i couldn't even look the coach in the eye, but i asked him to take me home. i told him i wasn't feeling well and maybe we could try again another day.

it wasn't until i met my husband, who is a coffee junkie, just a few months after that that i heard him say that coffee is a natural diuretic. i don't even remember the context of why he said that, but when he did, it all fell into place in my head & i realized what had happened that day in the park. i asked him about espresso and learned that it packs an extra punch, which is why it's served in such small quantities.

chris & i spent a lot of time in coffee shops while we were dating, playing checkers and listening to bands, but i made it a habit to never order coffee. i didn't care for a repeat performance, so it was steamers all the way for me.


  1. As always, you crack me up.

    My first coffee experience was with a guy I had dated off and on, after we graduated from college. We went to Borders at SouthPark and talked and talked, and he kept getting me refills or new drinks to try. When he dropped me back off, I was BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS. I ended up calling him back and he came over and watched movies all night with me because I was so jittery and wound up from the caffeine that I could not sleep. I was lucky he worked 3rd shift and was used to being up all night. Now I stick to tea or hot cocoa.

  2. Too much, and you end up with an overexcited bladder, tremors and thoughts of world domination.

    Coffee is a drug.

  3. I'm with you. I don't get the whole coffee thing. It's disgusting. The only way I can choke down a cup of coffee is if I add unhealthy amounts of sugar and enough milk to turn it a light tan color. At that point I may as well drink a cappaccino, so thats what I drink when I need a warm pick me up on morning where I can barely stand the thought of peeling myself out of bed.

  4. I'm 66 and have never drunk coffee either. I think it smells wonderful but tastes terrible!

  5. hilarious! my friends and I always say if you really need to get your poop on, go drink some coffee. Works there too!

  6. I am guessing this was in the day before the potty in the back of the car?

    Dang would that not have been convenient! LOL

    I never drank coffee or tea until I was 26, I thought it was for OLD people!

    Now I wish I never started!

  7. Thanks for the laugh.

    And I am a coffee addict. I would take in an iv form, but I am afraid of needles.

  8. Definitely don't even go there. I am hooked to my one very light very sweet cup of coffee a day, and I attempt to quit it constantly. The only times I could give it up long term were when I was pregnant and couldn't even smell it without wanting to gag.
    I love it, but I do wish I never started!

  9. First time I drank coffee was in Navy boot camp. There was nothing else to drink besides water or the odd soda in the chow hall. And it helped wakes us up at 4 AM.
    Then, I drank coffee like a fiend on my first ship. This was in the 70s, mind you, when cokes were as rare as Jesuits at a nudie bar. We rarely saw sodas and only got them when the supply ship...uh..supplied us every week. Then when THOSE ran out, the few that were left sold for $5.00 a can (entrepreneurs snatched them up when they were first delivered to the ship. Ah, capitalism!). So, coffee was our only realistic choice.
    It got so bad that we even drank COLD coffee (yeesh).
    End result, I have a caffeine monkey on my back that's as big as Rosie O'Donnell.
    By the way, it should be obvious that coffee drinkers aren't necessarily more mature.

  10. lol. I'm sorry that's terrible, but very amusing.

    I have the opposite problem. I LIVE for coffee, but can't drink it anymore due to blood pressure issues. *sniffles* It is a bit of an acquired taste, and I think the caffeine more so than the taste gets people hooked.

  11. Coffee, oh my coffee...
    WOW! A double espresso! All that caffeine to!

    I gave up caffeine when we started doing the IVF and I havent gone back to it. I found decaff didnt leave me high strung like the regular coffee.

    Hubby hates it, but he knows I love it so he bought me an awesome coffee maker for xmas one year.

    I used to love buying a coffee from the coffee shops, but I can't handle the milk they use. Starbucks is gross. :)

  12. How funny! Ok, it probably wasn't so funny at the time, but it made a great read :-)
    We don't drink coffee in our house anymore. My fix comes from Dr. Pepper. Now if they could only make an espresso version of that!

  13. Oh Sherilin, my love, just talk to MOI about coffee! I only have one cup per day, but I hug it, kiss it and want to marry it. You could have a cup at my house with chemical whitener and brown sugar! Hooray! Oh, don't make that face at me, COFFEEMATE HATERS, you'd come to the dark side too once you had my coffee.

  14. I was just thinking yesterday how I wish I liked coffee just for the social interaction it brings. Everyone I am around "goes out for coffee"

    You are so funny!

  15. HAHAHAHA!!! I love it! I feel your pain, I had something similar happen to me.

  16. The first time I went into Starbucks, I felt like such a dummy because I didn't understand what any of that stuff was either. Now, I order like a pro, but coffee always makes me want to poo. LOL. Aren't you glad that you know that now?

  17. the gurgles...that is funny. I can just picture it all right now.
    unfortunately.....I LOVE coffee latte's, espresso's, the whole diuretic shebang.
    and iced coffee especially

  18. caffeine is a wonderful thing, in moderation.
    karen, my husband is a coffee master & what he makes tastes & smells wonderful, but when it attacks my stomach, it's just not worth it. i fear yours would be no different.
    daniele, that "get your poop on" line is hilarious!
    ant, i have enough bladder issues without adding any extras to it! and world domination? eek, i'm too lazy for all that business.

  19. I must admit that I've come to enjoy coffee, but the truly tasty coffee drinks have far more calories in them than I like to spend on a drink.



  20. We have a Starbucks in our Target nearby, and the only thing I'm able to order is the Mocha Frappucino already in a bottle, lol.

    Sometimes when I'm stuck in line, I like to listen to the other customers shoot off their orders: "A grande double mocha espresso with soy milk and a triple shot of venti, please." Or something like that.

    Who in the what now?

    It makes me feel stupid when it's my turn and the barista asks, "What can I get started for you today?" And I sheepishly hand her my bottle of Mocha Frappucino, lol.

  21. Ooohh... sensitive tummy!
    I couldn't live w/o my coffee - but at least there are so many other options at the cafes so no one is left out :)

  22. A double shot of espresso for your first time... damn. That's like losing your virginity to shane diesel.

    Stopping in from the LBS tea party... (good thing it's a tea party and not a coffee party, huh?)

  23. haha...I am here from the best posts hop and well...I LOVE coffee! my hubs hated coffee before we starting dating but now of course years later, he drinks it as long as it has lots of whip cream and chocolate!!!LOL

    have a great weekend.

  24. Poor dear! I love coffee love love love it! Funny stuff. Following you from LBS. Come see me over at Lighten Up!

  25. Oh man. I'm so glad I'm not a coffee drinker. Otherwise this could have been me. Ew.


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