however, sweet, big footed rosie gave me an award tonight that she created herself & she says that i'm the inspiration for it, so i can't pass it up. actually, i've been feeling rather stale here in the blog world lately & lacking inspiration, so this is just what i needed to work up a post tonight.
it's the all new SBD award. i'm sure you all know that sbd stands for "silent but deadly" in the world of flatulence, so in honor of this award, i need to tell you a fart story (sorry mom, here comes another one. you should tune out now). at first i was thinking that i've told you all of my good ones already, but there's one i've held back & today looks to be just the day to set it free.
when i was a nanny, my boss worked at a hospital & she set me up on a blind date with a man with whom she worked. he was a nurse of the variety that any straight woman would love to have attending to her needs if she found herself in the hospital for a few days. his name was mike & he was 30 years old. at the time, i was only 20, so the age difference seemed pretty significant, but i was willing to give it a try. we went out for several months and things were going along splendidly, even though he never failed to remind me how much younger i was than his wise, old self.
my 21st birthday rolled around while we were dating. i was looking forward to that big first night of legal drinking & debauchery and he was going to be my chaperon & coach for the event since he'd been drinking for ten years already and knew his way around a bar. his best friend wanted to go along for the festivities because he never missed a chance to go drinking, but the friend had an early flight to catch the next morning. so we decided to kick things off early & headed for the first place around 5pm. the two of them placed me on a bar stool between them & took turns ordering me fancy drinks. we went to a few different establishments that may or may not have been classy, it's hard to say because it's all blurry now, and i got drinks everywhere we went. by 8:30 mike drove us back to his place because i was clearly in no shape to be driving & i would need to be supervised throughout the night since it was my first big drunk.
i was tucked into bed by 9pm on my 21st birthday & dead to the world before i even made it to a horizontal position. mike went downstairs & left me snoring & drooling in bed. a couple hours later i woke up with the sudden need to puke. i made a dash for the bathroom and proceeded to do some bonding with that toilet, glad that i'd cleaned the bathroom a few days earlier.
mike came upstairs when he heard me stomping about. i'd locked the door & was thankful i had because i didn't care to have this lovely man witness me with mascara dripping down my cheeks & barf on my lips. he was knocking on the door and asking if he could help in any way. between retches, i was trying to convince him that he should leave. he didn't. he stood there on the other side of the door, wanting to be the nurse that he was. then i suddenly knew that i was about to fart. and not just a little one, but a big one and i wasn't going to be able to contain it while i was leaned over and heaving. i was starting to panic, but then i had the bright idea to use my finger to block my butt hole, to prevent the fart from being able to escape.
it was only a couple moments before the next puke came up, but my finger was there, ready to save me from embarrassing myself. or so i thought. rather than a standard fart, what came out was a long, high pitched whistle, like air being let out of a pinched balloon. i froze, eyes wide in disbelief at what i'd just heard. i thought maybe it had just sounded like that to me because i was vomiting, like some kind of inner ear disconnect, but no such luck.
i heard a tentative knock after that and mike spoke softly through the door, "um, did you just... whistle?"
and that is the biggest memory i have from my 21st birthday.
now i am supposed to pass this on to 5 others who might be willing to share a fart story of their own or perhaps a story from someone close to them if they can't bear to bring the shame on them self.
so i'd like to give this to:
tracy over at it's an average life. i don't know if she still tells such stories anymore, but once upon a time, she was really good at them.
jdracecar at it's always funny in colum-bubble. i'm not sure i've seen her write such a story yet, but i think she's capable of it.
i'd love for karen over at ow, my angst to consider taking on the SBD challenge because she's really funny.
i think laughing mom at where's the funny here could probably work up a fart post, if not about herself, then perhaps about one of her kids.
and george at symdaddy journal can probably write something amusing on the topic of flatulence.
for those of you who are getting this, please feel free to not do it. there will be no feelings hurt if you don't want to or aren't in the mood for such foolishness. and on the opposite side, if you've got a really great toot story you've been itching to tell, i'll be glad to add your name & your link to the award list.
i'd say this also qualifies as a friday confession, so there's all kinds of excitement going on here today.
and with that, i bid you, adieu.