Friday, April 15, 2011

thanks for thinking of me, rosie.

i've been given several blogging awards over the past few months, but i've been horribly neglectful of attending to them in the proper fashion. i have this thing about being given an assignment & told that there are rules that i'll need to follow. there are very few responsibilities that i feel i can neglect at this stage of life, but passing on blogging awards is one that i can pass by without too much guilt.

however, sweet, big footed rosie gave me an award tonight that she created herself & she says that i'm the inspiration for it, so i can't pass it up. actually, i've been feeling rather stale here in the blog world lately & lacking inspiration, so this is just what i needed to work up a post tonight.

it's the all new SBD award. i'm sure you all know that sbd stands for "silent but deadly" in the world of flatulence, so in honor of this award, i need to tell you a fart story (sorry mom, here comes another one. you should tune out now). at first i was thinking that i've told you all of my good ones already, but there's one i've held back & today looks to be just the day to set it free.

when i was a nanny, my boss worked at a hospital & she set me up on a blind date with a man with whom she worked. he was a nurse of the variety that any straight woman would love to have attending to her needs if she found herself in the hospital for a few days. his name was mike & he was 30 years old. at the time, i was only 20, so the age difference seemed pretty significant, but i was willing to give it a try. we went out for several months and things were going along splendidly, even though he never failed to remind me how much younger i was than his wise, old self.

my 21st birthday rolled around while we were dating. i was looking forward to that big first night of legal drinking & debauchery and he was going to be my chaperon & coach for the event since he'd been drinking for ten years already and knew his way around a bar. his best friend wanted to go along for the festivities because he never missed a chance to go drinking, but the friend had an early flight to catch the next morning. so we decided to kick things off early & headed for the first place around 5pm. the two of them placed me on a bar stool between them & took turns ordering me fancy drinks. we went to a few different establishments that may or may not have been classy, it's hard to say because it's all blurry now, and i got drinks everywhere we went. by 8:30 mike drove us back to his place because i was clearly in no shape to be driving & i would need to be supervised throughout the night since it was my first big drunk.

i was tucked into bed by 9pm on my 21st birthday & dead to the world before i even made it to a horizontal position. mike went downstairs & left me snoring & drooling in bed. a couple hours later i woke up with the sudden need to puke. i made a dash for the bathroom and proceeded to do some bonding with that toilet, glad that i'd cleaned the bathroom a few days earlier.

mike came upstairs when he heard me stomping about. i'd locked the door & was thankful i had because i didn't care to have this lovely man witness me with mascara dripping down my cheeks & barf on my lips. he was knocking on the door and asking if he could help in any way. between retches, i was trying to convince him that he should leave. he didn't. he stood there on the other side of the door, wanting to be the nurse that he was. then i suddenly knew that i was about to fart. and not just a little one, but a big one and i wasn't going to be able to contain it while i was leaned over and heaving. i was starting to panic, but then i had the bright idea to use my finger to block my butt hole, to prevent the fart from being able to escape.

it was only a couple moments before the next puke came up, but my finger was there, ready to save me from embarrassing myself. or so i thought. rather than a standard fart, what came out was a long, high pitched whistle, like air being let out of a pinched balloon. i froze, eyes wide in disbelief at what i'd just heard. i thought maybe it had just sounded like that to me because i was vomiting, like some kind of inner ear disconnect, but no such luck.

i heard a tentative knock after that and mike spoke softly through the door, "um, did you just... whistle?"

and that is the biggest memory i have from my 21st birthday.

now i am supposed to pass this on to 5 others who might be willing to share a fart story of their own or perhaps a story from someone close to them if they can't bear to bring the shame on them self.

so i'd like to give this to:
tracy over at it's an average life. i don't know if she still tells such stories anymore, but once upon a time, she was really good at them.
jdracecar at it's always funny in colum-bubble. i'm not sure i've seen her write such a story yet, but i think she's capable of it.
i'd love for karen over at ow, my angst to consider taking on the SBD challenge because she's really funny.
i think laughing mom at where's the funny here could probably work up a fart post, if not about herself, then perhaps about one of her kids.
and george at symdaddy journal can probably write something amusing on the topic of flatulence.

for those of you who are getting this, please feel free to not do it. there will be no feelings hurt if you don't want to or aren't in the mood for such foolishness. and on the opposite side, if you've got a really great toot story you've been itching to tell, i'll be glad to add your name & your link to the award list.

i'd say this also qualifies as a friday confession, so there's all kinds of excitement going on here today.


and with that, i bid you, adieu.


  1. What's wrong with me? Am I 12?? I have tears streaming down my face right now, I'm laughing so hard.

  2. My daughter just discovered the self-madejacuzzi. It's awesome.

    The whistling is going to keep me inappropriately laughing all day, you know.

  3. I can't believe you tried to plug it. You probably made it 100 times worse! LOL!

    You could have flushed the toilet at the same time.. Or puked louder...

  4. I don't think that I ever would have thought to try to plug it up. And it whistled?! Oh dear. Thank you SOOOOO much for not tagging me in this. I can't top that story!

  5. OK, rolling on the floor laughing. You plugged it....and it whistled......Bahahahahaha

  6. Bahaha - ain't nothin' quite like a good fart story to brighten my morning :)

  7. That is great! I can't believe that you tried to plug your ass with your finger - if I did that I'd most likely blow a hole in my colon from the pressure! Really, though, if he could listen to you puke he could have handled some gas too...

  8. Oh, thanks for the SBD -I guess I was ahead of my time with my post - I may have to add another fart story though...

  9. I laughed so hard my stomach hurts!

  10. ok, I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying! That has to be the most hilarious thing I have ever heard in my life. Now whenever I hear someone whistle, I will think of you my big footed friend! Thanks for playing along :)

  11. ummmm.... so kind of you to think of me and my pass flatulent stories! LOL... Congrats on the award, you so deserve it... tee hee!

  12. Thanks for the laugh. And my co worker thanks you as well for the laugh also since it made me snort and she laughed at me.

    Congrats on the award.

  13. HAHAHA -- that is so freaking hilarious!!

  14. Good fart stories never get old but this one tops any fart story I have ever heard. I had tears rolling from laughing so hard.

  15. Thanks Sherilin! I will definitely come up with a good fart story, you know I love those! I did do one famous fart post, called "Like a fart in the elevator!" - if you haven't read it, its pretty good!!
    And some children's book recommendations too!

  16. This is an amazing story. It's not often I'm sitting at my desk holding back laughter and probably looking like I'm having a seizure because of it.

    I can't believe you even thought to do that and oh the back fire....ahhhhhahahaha

  17. with him being a nurse, i'm sure he could have handled hearing me toot, but i was young & couldn't bear the thought.

    laughingmom, i'm glad i didn't think of the possibility of an exploding colon. i wasn't much on the thinking-things-through business at that point. more of having sudden inspiration & going with whatever i thought up.

    sprite, i couldn't possibly have managed to puke and flush while trying to fart quietly all the while still too drunk to make good choices.

  18. this is hilarious, i am so glad you shared, TMI but i kinda love that about you!

  19. Smells like roses.

    Posted about our special cat, thought you might appreciate it.

  20. I am laughing so hard, I can't breathe.

    I am visiting from Mamarazzi's blog.

    ~Ricki Jill

  21. As an educated person (well, one who reads cereal boxes), I, of course, know that women fart. But, through most of my childhood, I kinda figured their intestinal gas magically disappeared through the power of, oh, I don't know, menstruation or something. That being said, I remember the first time I actually heard a butt symphony coming from one of the ladies. One of the neighbor girls was (I think) trying to impress by doing a quite gymnastic move where she balanced backward on her hands and feet. As she froze in place (and, yes, I was hoping her shirt would slide down), she looked up (down?) at me, expecting some gesture of admiration. All of a sudden, it sounded like the Queen Elizabeth was pulling into port. Red-faced, she collapsed onto the ground, whimpered, and ran away to her house.
    I don't remember seeing her again until I graduated.
    Oh, by the way, I, too, have been "at one" with the porcelain god once or twice.

  22. HAHA !! the best fart story i have ever heard. seriously , who would have thought to plug it?

    wow. HAHA ! the FART PLUG . haha !

    thanks for sharing.. it would be really difficult to top this fart story . :)


  23. and yes, it is difficult to be a parent. :)

  24. I steer well clear of Americanism's as a rule but this time I'll make an exception ... just for you!


    There ... not a word I use lightly (or at all really) but it's not often someone writes so well about a subject so close to my own heart.

    I have indeed contemplated re-visiting the gas-i-licious topic of 'flatulence'. Perhaps this is the jolt I needed to get me started.

    Thanks for the 'mentsch' and the SBD award ... I deserve it!

  25. That is the best fart story I've ever heard. OMG hilarious!!

    Visiting from The Lady Bloggers Tea Party :)

  26. By the way, checked out a few other posts and boy you know how to tell a good story. Count me in for more!

  27. Just popped over from LBSTP - I am so glad that i did. That story really had me giggling away...definitely laughing my abs off!

  28. laughing out loud here Sherilin, and I actually had to put my head down on the computer desk, as I was finished.

    Oh my THIS IS QUITE THE CHALLENGE, ISN'T IT. MM-kay, I'll have to think now and come up with something!

    "You know how to whistle don't you? Just just put your lips together and blow!"

    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

  29. So funny. I once farted just before a nurse came into the room to assist my daughter. I let her blame it on my daughter. Oh. The. Shame.

  30. Whistle while you work? Now I know the true dirty little secret.

  31. Haha, great story. Glad I found your blog, I'm now a follower.

    I have a few stories that I could tell on the subject of farts...but I'll let you know for sure whether or not you should add my link to the list. Because, you know, I may or may not want embarrassing stories on my blog. It all just depends on my mood.

  32. B waaa hahahha! Did you just whistle shirley-lynn?


don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!