Friday, February 25, 2011

do it yourself pedi

i'm feeling compelled to admit to a stupid foot issue. i'm afflicted with scaly old man feet, much like al penwasser's. they are the bane of my existence, but i can't usually afford to get pedicures to keep them properly maintained. i haven't found any balms or creams that make much of a difference, so sometimes i resort to using one of those razor scraper things that are illegal in some states. the first time someone used one on me while i was paying for a pedicure, i was giddy to see all those slices of skin falling off my feet. i knew they'd be so soft by the time i was done & i was pleased with the results. so i bought one on those nifty razor, cheese grater thingies for myself a couple years ago so that i could keep the softness going for free. the first time i used it, i perched on the edge of the tub for a good soak before starting up with my deadly weapon against dry crackliness and then when i deemed my tootsies to be sufficiently soggy, i started scraping. it was mesmerizing to see those snowy layers peel away like the garbage they were, leaving my feet pink & fresh. i kept it up for so long that i'm pretty sure i had about a pound of dead skin removed. i was delighted with the results. for about half an hour. then i realized my heels were starting to hurt. my skin wasn't just a rosy pink anymore, it was rapidly approaching a blood red, mainly due to the fact that i had removed almost all of the pesky skin that's generally used to hold my blood inside my feet. i was about 2 layers away from a free flowing bloody foot situation. i had to walk around on my toes for days to avoid my heels having any contact with the floor. or shoes.

you'd think i would have learned my lesson, but alas, i wasn't that smart. by the time the pain subsided i was so happy to have soft, childlike feet for the first time in my adult life, that i managed to block out the previous pain & shortly thereafter, i did the very same thing again. i'd vowed after the first incident that i wouldn't make the same mistake again, but like a woman who suffers through childbirth, once the pain is gone, all she remembers is the happiness and joy that her new child brings. i thought i could do the job without getting carried away, but clearly, i have no restraint when it comes to grating the skin from my feet. i get so happy about the storm of skin showering down around me that i can't reign in the urge to just keep scraping.

after the second round of near-death by foot shaving, i wised up & put the razor away. until today. i broke it out again tonight, determined to do the job without overdoing it. all was going well till i sliced a hunk of meat out of my heel & started bleeding. and not just a wee bit of a bloody dribble, it was practically a gusher. i tried to put some peroxide in it, but that just turned into a disgusting, foaming red sludge plopping into the water. i was glad there were no sharks nearby because i was definitely calling to them with my blood. then i shaved off a strip of ankle skin on the other leg when my hand slipped & that created a second bleeding situation.

i guess it's time to put the cheesy foot grater away again until another year, when the pain is gone and i only have memories of soft, delicate girlie feet. until then, i'll hobble around on my toes and keep a tube of antibacterial gel handy. maybe next time, i'll try the fish.

27 comments:

  1. I would be scared to use one of those things! I think I'm actually scarred for life now, after reading this. Couldn't you just use a potato peeler for same results? :]

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  2. Oh!!! Grossness at its mostest. Do us and yourself a huge favor and toss that thing into the ocean, so we don't read about your next misadventure at skin peeling, lol! I've used coarse sand paper before and that worked well, but in your hands kiddo, that might prove lethal.

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  3. Sand paper and a rasp would do the job!

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  4. Yikes! That thing sounds scary. I have been known to accidently cut myself with a potato peeler so I think I'll stay away from that.haha

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  5. Yikes! It really looks like a potato peeler! I'll be back later for a closer inspection. I have to go to work now. Yikes!

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  6. Sounds painful. I kept whincing throughout. I wonder how the salon ladies know when to stop. That'd be something to ask huh?

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  7. There are a ton of men with foot fetishes (so I have been told) who would probably be willing to give you a pedi. For Free. lol

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  8. I was thinking I would go get one for my icky feet but, after this post? Nah.

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  9. Wow! You just cured me of the need for one of those!

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  10. i think you're right, shan, a potato peeler would probably do just as well. it's certainly done a fine job at removing layers of skin from my hands and various fingernails over the years.
    paul, i think that would be a good question to ask. why didn't i think of that before multiple slicing sessions?
    oilfield, i've heard of such things as well, but since it's not my hubby's thing, i guess i'll be missing out on that.
    emptynester, maybe you'd have some restraint & would just have lovely, soft feet afterwards. i think you should try it & then let us know.

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  11. Oh MY! I swear you are my sister from another mister! I never shaved off part of my heel but I have will start trimming toe nails to the point of non existence.

    I feel for ya girl... get a pumice stone and keep it at the bath tub. I have one I purchased at the local beauty supply store and scrub my feet with it almost daily.

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  12. OMG!!!!!!!!!!! I could barely make it thru that post! Eek! I am still shivering... Eek Eek Eek Eek Eek girl!

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  13. That was painful just to read. Throw that thing away, it's not safe in your hands. Go find one with a child safety feature, you know like safety scissors?

    Do NOT do the fish thing, I'm scared you will end up using piranhas instead!

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  14. You have managed to completely Freak Me Out!!! OMG! Don't do that!!!! You are a Heel Cutter! Get help! lOL

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  15. Wait a minute...... I am going to really read this, but I first looked at the comments. I was immediately drawn to yours. You use it on your hubby's thing???
    Oh, my.

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  16. OK, I read in detail. Yikes!!! You got me beat.
    But, what gets me the most is the sheer waste of all those snowy layers peeled from your feet. You could have tossed them into a deep fryer and cooked yourself a right tasty batch of chips for Hannibal Lecter.
    Keep those shoes on.
    Works for me.

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  17. i kind of apologize for so severely disgusting all of you. but not really. when you read something about someone using a cheese grater on their feet, you could back away & stop reading, but NOO! all of you kept reading because it draws you in & holds you there, even as you read it with one hand over your eyes & a cringe on your face.
    al, you behave yourself! trying to make trouble around here. i tried to think of a way to recycle the skin slices, my child even checked out the snow banks, but alas, i gave up & threw it away. maybe next time i'll put one under our micrscope and call it science class.

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  18. Oh Sherilin! Oh! Oh! OHHHHHH! You have no idea how I was cringing as I read this!!! If I had testicles, I'm sure they would have climbed up inside me, as it was, I felt some phantom crawlyness retreating into my bodily core!

    Dig your fresh new springtime blog look btw

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  19. This so perfectly fit your blog description: TMI, it's what I do best. And I'm sorry about your pain but I had to laugh.

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  20. That is really gross.

    you and your poor feet!

    Have your tried prescriptions for foot fungus?

    I only went for a pedicure once at my friends insistance. I was so embarrassed because it was a surprize and I had really hairy legs...never again.

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  21. still thinking about this Sherilin. Yes, I've been thinking about it off and on today. It even scared me away from my post-bath foot pumice.

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  22. Ouch, painful post! I used to have a girlfriend who would attack my feet with a pumice stone. No need really, especially for guys; who's looking at our feet? Interesting e.e.cummings non-capitalization on this post. Entertaining in a squirming and feeling-bad-for-you way!

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  23. That sounds horrid! My friends sister used one of those things on me when she got married and I was a bridesmaid. I was nervous but she did a really good job. I havent tried one since. I'd be too scared I'd cut myself.
    I have done the aweful ankle cut. I cut a inch and a half long strip off my ankle once with a razor. It bled and bled. Two days later I took off the bandage, and it still bled! BLECH!

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  24. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!

    Even though I am fully grossed out, I still want to wish you a happy Monday;-)

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don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!