Saturday, February 12, 2011

nessie and the furbaby

i seem to have issues with vacuum cleaners. they're heavy, clunky, dirty & they often blow hot air at me, which i hate. i use a lot of different ones because, well, i'm a low-down, dirty maid. actually, i prefer to call myself a "housekeeper extraordinaire", but it all amounts to the same thing at the end of the day. scullery duty.

have you ever used a central vacuum in a house? they usually work really well & you don't have to deal with insufficient suction, but dang, those things are tough to work with. the hoses are about 40 ft long, they're heavy & they're covered in a hose sock. that means you're having to drag around pounds & pounds of slithering, serpent through room after room & those wily coils are sneaky too. they will reach out & snatch a chair leg or a small table & try to take it down. they look harmless, but they're actually beasts from the deep, dark lagoon. whenever i work with one, i silently call it nessie (as in, lochness monster), trying to make it think that we have a close and affectionate relationship in hopes that it will behave itself and not knock anything over out of spite or anger for having been awakened and disturbed and then expected to perform.

in my own house, i don't have such fancy dirt sucking technology. today i found myself on the floor with both of the simple vacuums i own. i snipped, pulled, yanked and chopped enough hair, yarn, string, and crud out of the roller bars of one that i could have made a medium sized stuffed animal with it. maybe after brooke goes to bed tonight, i'll dig the clump out of the trash, if the cat hasn't consumed it all yet, & pull out all my crafty skills & turn it into something exciting and new. maybe i'll even make a little outfit for it & give it to her for valentine's day. we'll name it dustin. or tumble.

i dismantled the other sucky machine to try to empty & clean it. i swear, i had my arm so far up in that thing, i felt like i was helping to birth a cow. but instead of slime and happy, wet cow babies, i only had a big bag full of hairy yuck, dust to my elbow and funk under my fingernails. but it gives new meaning to phrase furbaby.

16 comments:

  1. That's some intense description. Nice work (writing & cleaning).

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  2. I agree. I hate the vacuum. It is the absolute worst household chore to me. I don't have a fancy "nessie" so I have to drag the stupid thing all over the friggin house.

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  3. This was a funny story. I don't vacuums either. I make my kids do it now.

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  4. I hate vacuuming! and I don't have a Nessie, either.

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  5. Ugh, I HATE cleaning out vaccuums!

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  6. I hate slithery things.
    after doing so many renos, the only vaccum I like is my shop vac, and in a effort not to replace the filter I take it outside and give it a wild shake, hit it, bang it and wirl it around. the dust then lands on me, but then I just suck it off. or shower.

    my regular not cheap vaccum really sucks in comparison! hahahha a pun!

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  7. A very succinct and accurate description of the dirty work of dealing vacuum cleaners, nicely done. Loved the picture of the hose too.

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  8. Today's "Fun With the English Language":
    A great vacuum cleaner: sucks.
    A malfunctioning vacuum cleaner: blows

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  9. I too have fought many a battle with the Vacuu-beasties so I can well understand your motivation for such a post.

    Of course, in my day, Vaccuu-beasties were, although vicious, few and far between and far easier to defeat.

    Most of my struggles were with the Dustpanians and the Brushish Empire.

    I just loved those skirmishes ... not!

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  10. I am a non-technological chore doer, so pardon me if this seems a silly question. If one has to Clean the Cleaner, then what's the point of the thing?

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  11. haha! cool story :) I hate vacumming too, but I got a small place, so it doesn't take long :P

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  12. I have a secret...I LOVE to Vacuum. I do it every day. A vacuum that can suck really well and gets the job done is high up on my list. A whole house vacuum is a dream of mine. 40 pound serpent and all. LOL

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  13. I mopped my floor today. Kylie told me that I was the maid, probably because she has never ever seen me do such a thing. I want a new vacuum now.

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  14. Great story. I hate vacuuming with a passion; but I finally bought a super duper quiet one from a foreign country and it is a piece of cake to use, even though I'm missing an arm and a leg from its cost, lol.

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  15. I just cut mint flavored dental floss out of ours...
    I hate vacuums!

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  16. This comment has been removed by the author.

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don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!