Wednesday, March 14, 2012

the poopy tent

for the first nine years of our marriage, chris and i had only one bathroom. we lived in several different houses, but always with just one bathroom. when we were newlyweds, it initially seemed like no big deal. i'd never lived with any man to whom i wasn't related and they certainly weren't going to invade my privacy in the bathroom. in my growing up house, doors were kept closed and knocking was strictly enforced.

this was not the case once i was married. suddenly there was an open door policy for the most part unless pooping was underway. but there came a time when eventually, even the poops had to be interrupted by the other partner. if i was down to the wire on time before i had to leave for work and the man was in the bathroom dropping a man-sized load, i had no choice but to brave the stench-o-rama that was my bathroom in order to get myself ready to go.

it was very difficult to stand in front of the sink slapping my makeup onto my face as fast as i could (there was no other acceptable mirror/lighting place in the house) while fanning the door with one foot to keep the air circulating and the stink to a minimum. meanwhile my new husband was sitting 17 inches to my left with his pants around his ankles and a magazine on his lap as he pooped just as care-freely as if he were completely alone. he'd sometimes turn and smile serenely at me and tell me he loved me.

even worse than chris pooping next to me, was when i needed to go, but he was in the bathroom shaving or brushing his hairs or whatever men do in the bathroom. i was mortified. i couldn't bear the thought of my beloved seeing my delicate self taking a dump, particularly while he was close enough to reach out and pat me while i did so. i would turn my face and scowl toward the shower so that he couldn't see me. i'd close my eyes and imagine i was alone or stare at the shower curtain, blushing at the shame of my predicament.

one day while staring at the curtain and trying unsuccessfully to rush the man out, i was contemplating how to go about wiping in a sneaky fashion. and let me tell you, it can't be done. you just can't hide the necessary motions from a person who is that close to your body, especially when they're amused by your discomfort. then the thought popped into my head that i could pull the shower curtain around my body and form a sort of shelter to block myself from the nearby viewer's prying eyes.

surely, it looked very silly to see a toilet with a big flowery shower curtain-covered lump perched on it, but it provided the much needed illusion of privacy. from that moment on, the poopy tent became the standard for any time one of us needed to go while the other was occupying that space. and the cat loved to join us in there for our stinky camping adventures.

sometimes i miss our early days of being married, with fewer responsibilities and the freedom to sleep in, but i never, ever miss having only one bathroom. 

40 comments:

  1. Not EVER in my ten years of marriage have we EVER shared a bathroom while pooping and, I have to say, I hope that NEVER changes! I don't even want to talk about it, I know we both do it but it does NOT need to be discussed. On that note, I laughed my butt off (haha) while reading this! :)

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    1. have you always had more than one bathroom? i would never willingly share space during such a moment, but it's better than pooping my pants!

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    2. Actually, pooping your pants feels great. For about half a second.
      So I've been told.
      Okay, I'm done scamming on all your comments.
      I need to go.

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    3. al, i hope you made it to the bathroom in time. otherwise, you've got some great blog fodder for next month when you do the letter P.

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    4. Luckily, I did. So, I'll have to go with my original 'P' posting: Passover.
      Mazel Tov!

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  2. Like Heidi I found this story really funny Sherilin, I'm sorry you guys had to spend the first few years married resorting to those extremes though, I'm glad you now don't only have one bathroom!

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    1. i'm very glad too. the man and i had a little giggle about it last night when he asked me what i was writing about & i had to confess my topic.

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  3. HA! I loved this and can picture the poopy tent just perfectly (sans inhabitants). Even though we've shared a bathroom, I don't think we've ever shared that "special moment!"

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    1. may you never have to share such space with your loved one. or anyone else for that matter.

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  4. Ohhh, I remember the days of one bathroom.... Sometimes there is a benefit to getting older!

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    1. for real! older and able to better hide your toileting.

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  5. I am sitting at work (reading blogs on the sly) and I am laughing out loud!!! This is so funny!!! My first husband was so modest, he'd lock the bathroom door lest I open it and see him doing what every living being on the planet does naturally. Growing up around 5 boys pretty much numbed me to body functions so poop didn't bother me until I married my new Manchild. He, as opposed to my first husband is very proud of his farts and poops and leaves the door wide open to share everything with anyone who is nearby. I find it refreshing - the idea of it, not the smell but for some reason, I don't want him to see or hear me using the bathroom. In 44 years of life, I've pooped, farted and peed freely and now that I am married to this guy...I'm mortified for him to see that part of me. Go figure. I love the poopy tent idea. Thanks for the laugh. You're one funny lady. I think if we ever got together for a visit, we'd laugh till we peed our pants!

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    1. it would be fun to hang out! and when i laugh til i pee, i know i've had a really good time. depends undergarments all around!

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    2. Geez, as long as you two don't POOP your pants! ;-)
      Frankly, I'm probably only a couple years from doing that myself.

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    3. thankfully i only leak liquids so far. i can't speak for elizabeth though.

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  6. Oh my gosh, this would be my worst nightmare. I used to make Manfriend leave the house if I had to go to the bathroom. I would tell him to go look at something in the yard. Your husband is a riot, telling you he loves you while he is pooing. Would he actually pat you? That would make me physically unable to go.

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    1. oh yes, he'd pat me or give me a little kiss. it was awful.

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  7. Yeah, I have NEVER pooped in front of my man, nor will I EVER want him to poop in front of me, while we are both able-bodied peeps. NEVER, do you hear me?

    In fact, I think the only time I ever peed in front of him was when I was in labour with Ella, and I was in such terrible pain that I needed him beside me so I could have someone to GRIP.

    If The Man were on the can while I needed to get ready, I'd bark out commands: "HAND ME MY MAKEUP BAG" because manstink is powerful.

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    1. the comments here are making it sound like people thought i WANTED to poop in his presence. or WANTED to hang out with him while he pooped. let me assure you, such was NOT the case. it was a matter of necessity. distressing necessity.
      however, peeing isn't a problem for me. as long as i'm not close enough to the toilet to get my leg splashed by his pee splatter, i don't care if we pee around each other.

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  8. and yeah: having one bathroom does completely suck!!!!!! Especially when the whole house had the stomach flu. That was challenging.

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  9. How very clever! The poopy tent! I'd never have thought of that!

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    1. desperate times call for desperate measures. or necessity is the mother of all inventions.

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  10. Yeah, it's my kids who invade our bathroom. Even though the boys have their own bathroom and so do to the girls. Somehow all 6 of us in up in MY bathroom for showers and using the toilet. (We have 3 other bathrooms in this weird-o Moroccan house.) And although the boys are 12 and 13 they somehow forget to flush the potty when they're done....

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    1. what's the matter with kids that they don't feel the need to have some alone time while they're in the bathroom? the things that go on in there are not community activities!

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  11. Ummmmmmmm..... i suppose the title should have told me everything, but i must remember to NOT read your blog posts during meal times! LOL!!!!

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  12. "...trying unsuccessfully to rush the man out,..."
    (To quote a phrase) GREAT GOOGLI MOOGLI! You had a man up there!!??
    No WONDER you were embarrassed.
    Just imagine if you were the man.

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    1. if there was a man up there, i'd sure want him out as quickly as possible! i'd rather the stink be trapped in the shower than free floating around the rest of the bathroom.

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  13. Oh, and incidentally....NOW you have the funk trapped in the shower.
    Ewwwwwwwwwwwww

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  14. My uncle, I kid you not, didn't poop in his home for the first year of marriage because he was too embarrassed to do it in front of his wife. He'd hold it and go the gas station down the street.

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    1. Hee hee hee...."gas" station.
      ;-)

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    2. that's crazy! and so odd, but unnecessary.

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  15. I must say I HATE having to go poo poo with anyone in the room with me....YOUR IDEA was a stroke of genius.

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    1. i'm glad someone else agrees with me. some things are definitely better if they're kept hidden.

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  16. Ha! The poopy tent. Love it. I mean...not so much the necessity of it, but the brilliant on-the-fly thinking, I admire that. At the moment, the hubs & I have separate bathrooms, because the "master bathroom" is teeny. So I occupy the hallway or "communal use" W.C.
    PS--found your blog via our mutual friend Jo (bumbumgerms). Love your writing style & decided to follow you! (Man, that NEVER stops sounding creepy!)

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    1. welcome into the fold. i promise not to put you in the poopy tent. =)

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  17. You always amaze me with your oh so true tales of the everyday. It is so funny how the guys do not care if we are there while they are pooping, and I would really rather not be!!!, and we want our privacy. Please, just give me my privacy long enough to poop! That's all I ask for!

    So, I am clearly behind. I am catching up on all your fabulousness now! :D

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    1. i love that you went back through and caught up on a bunch of my crappy writing. (hardy har har)
      i don't know why everyone doesn't write about the nasty, everyday side of life. then again, if everyone did, mine wouldn't be special. or maybe special isn't the right word. gross might be better.

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  18. OMG, can I say that this happens to everybody? And thank god for two bathrooms now...

    PS - Your blog is delightful. And by delightful, I mean freaking hilarious

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    1. thank you, rooth! please come back & see me again sometime.

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