as a child, i was always in a hurry to be an adult. i was the kid who couldn't get grown fast enough. i didn't mind responsibility. i ate responsibility as a healthy after-school snack! i was babysitting my infant sister when i was ten. i was the one who rushed to wash my hands and hurry to the table when my mom yelled that dinner was ready. i always changed the toilet paper roll without being reminded. i was the kid who, when mom said, "can someone help me with this?" i helped, while my siblings acted like they didn't hear her.
when i was nineteen, i got a job as a nanny for three little kids. my boss trusted me to get them up and ready and out the door for school on time every morning. i potty-trained the youngest one. i did the laundry and cooked food. i grocery shopped for the whole family and had access to the family checkbook where i was free to forge her signature any time there was an expense i needed her to pay.
never once did it even cross my mind to doubt myself. i never questioned whether i was responsible enough to handle the job. i just did it. and for the most part, i did it well.
but when i was twenty-three, i was working in a retail clothing store and i got promoted to assistant manager. suddenly, i was in charge in a store where i'd been working as a sales associate. i had my own set of keys and the combination to the safe. i carried large amounts of money to the bank and opened and closed the store daily.
it was while i was working there that i suddenly started feeling like maybe i wasn't up to the task. i would sometimes look around and wonder who was in charge.
one night, my friend/co-worker was standing behind the register with me and when there were no customers in the store, she whipped up her shirt and showed me her fresh, new boobs she'd just had done. my eyes widened and i started looking around, wondering why the manager on duty was allowing such shenanigans in the store during business hours. then i realized that I was the manager. why was i letting her do that? it was hard to be the one to shut down the fun. to enforce the dress code and to never leave early, even if there was a really good movie playing across the road in five minutes. i didn't necessarily want to deal with the angry customers who wanted to speak to the person in charge. i felt like i was playing charades and i was acting out the role of manager, but my turn was almost up and then someone else would take over.
i had a repeat of that same strange feeling when brooke was born. when i was home with her by myself for the whole day and she was so tiny and vulnerable, i'd sometimes look at her and wonder how i could possibly be trusted to keep her safe. i'd wonder who was in charge around here. where's my supervisor? are there hidden cameras watching to make sure i get things right? when is my mom going to show up and establish some rules around this joint?
sometimes i still wonder where the grown-ups are. because maybe i'm not quite ready to grow up yet. i think i want a popsicle. and a nap.
when i was nineteen, i got a job as a nanny for three little kids. my boss trusted me to get them up and ready and out the door for school on time every morning. i potty-trained the youngest one. i did the laundry and cooked food. i grocery shopped for the whole family and had access to the family checkbook where i was free to forge her signature any time there was an expense i needed her to pay.
never once did it even cross my mind to doubt myself. i never questioned whether i was responsible enough to handle the job. i just did it. and for the most part, i did it well.
but when i was twenty-three, i was working in a retail clothing store and i got promoted to assistant manager. suddenly, i was in charge in a store where i'd been working as a sales associate. i had my own set of keys and the combination to the safe. i carried large amounts of money to the bank and opened and closed the store daily.
it was while i was working there that i suddenly started feeling like maybe i wasn't up to the task. i would sometimes look around and wonder who was in charge.
one night, my friend/co-worker was standing behind the register with me and when there were no customers in the store, she whipped up her shirt and showed me her fresh, new boobs she'd just had done. my eyes widened and i started looking around, wondering why the manager on duty was allowing such shenanigans in the store during business hours. then i realized that I was the manager. why was i letting her do that? it was hard to be the one to shut down the fun. to enforce the dress code and to never leave early, even if there was a really good movie playing across the road in five minutes. i didn't necessarily want to deal with the angry customers who wanted to speak to the person in charge. i felt like i was playing charades and i was acting out the role of manager, but my turn was almost up and then someone else would take over.
i had a repeat of that same strange feeling when brooke was born. when i was home with her by myself for the whole day and she was so tiny and vulnerable, i'd sometimes look at her and wonder how i could possibly be trusted to keep her safe. i'd wonder who was in charge around here. where's my supervisor? are there hidden cameras watching to make sure i get things right? when is my mom going to show up and establish some rules around this joint?
sometimes i still wonder where the grown-ups are. because maybe i'm not quite ready to grow up yet. i think i want a popsicle. and a nap.
Yes. A NAP. I get this feeling once a week or so. :)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you maybe grew up too fast or something Sherry. I remember always being the good boy when I was younger too and I think eventually I put too much pressure on myself and everything fell apart so I understand where you're coming from. You are a great mother though and I'm sure you made a great supervisor at that store too.
ReplyDeleteThat feeling you had when you were alone with your little baby is something every parent goes through. It's just part of being human. I bet you're a great mother, too. Bad mothers don't worry about this stuff.
ReplyDeleteAs moms we all deserve a popsicle and a nap. Being a new mom is incredibly overwhelming. I remember having the same feelings.
ReplyDeleteand ya know what........at 60, I still don't feel grown up and wonder "hey, who's in charge here"
I know exactly how you feel. I used to think all the adults in my life had it all together and were full of wisdom (except for Mr. Mraz down the street. He liked to fight with telephone poles and his house smelled like cabbage). But, as I grew older, I realized that they had many of the same doubts and weaknesses that I had. Eventually, I became the oldest one left in my family (Mr. Mraz having long since boxed his least telephone pole). Then, I realized that the youngest members of the extended Penwasser clan thought I had all the answers.
ReplyDeleteDopes.
Or "last" telephone pole. Sheesh. Where's an adult when you need one?
DeleteI feel the same way - I still feel like a kid inside. I saw a quote recently that said "I never really grew up. I just learned how to behave in public."
ReplyDeleteI'm 67 and still need a nap every now and then!
ReplyDeleteI also felt the same way the first time I was alone with my older son. Now he's almost 24 and much smarter than I'll ever be, and I'm back where I started! Great ending! Julie
ReplyDeleteI do not see a grown up in sight and oh how I could use one!!
ReplyDeleteI want Boobs now!!!
Sounds like something a teenage boy would say.
Deleteit really does, doesn't it? but now, in my head, i'm hearing a preteen girl chanting, "i must. i must. i must increase my bust." while repeatedly trying to clank her elbows behind her back rhythmically. maybe i did that too many times.
DeleteDarn....all these years in retail management, and no one has ever shown me her hoo hoos!
ReplyDeleteThe truth is, we're all faking it.
ReplyDeleteNaps are fantastic. I think everyone needs one once in awhile.
ReplyDeleteMeh, I think we're just admitting we're old when we try and be grown up. You're amazing :-)
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you for the kind post on my blog. I am sure I'll be taking advantage of your knowledge soon!
Great post. I totally get it can relate 100%. And I love dan@lightenup's quote - That's a good one. :)
ReplyDeleteI adore you. And I love this post. Just like me! I was a store manager too. Only, I was only 18, 19, 20, and I still thought I was the bees knees. Not until I got older did I realise that I was waiting for life the "start". Waiting to grow up. I still feel like I'm playing dressup every day at work. I'd wear jeans and a tshirt (albeit with heels) every day if I could.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think you might go to jail for forging cheques. Just saying.
can you go to jail for forging checks if you have the check owner's permission?
DeleteNope. She would need to press charges and it was to long ago now anyway. The checks are long since shredded. That's my adult answer as one who worked too long in banking. :)
DeleteLove this post, Sher although I do wish some people would start acting more grown up when it comes to real responsibility (I am pretty sure you do, too). Like actually taking care of and LOVING their children, etc.
ReplyDeleteI completely relate to that feeling you had with Brooke. I was thinking I'd have this magical new connection with my title as MOM, and I'd feel like a MOM because surely my MOM felt like a MOM, and if you're a MOM, that's what you are, and not really a girl anymore and...
ReplyDeleteand I thought, but I still just feel like 'karen,' and this is scary, and how can this be my job now?!?
so how did you discipline boobies?
ReplyDelete