Friday, September 7, 2012

hooty munchables

as most of you know, i've been dieting for the past 8 months. i've lost 65 lbs so far and i'm down 5 pants sizes. these are good things and i'm very proud of how hard i've worked to make the shrinkage happen.

however, there are some very non-glamorous aspects of weight loss that i hadn't anticipated when i got started.

first of all, people talk about my body all the time now. whether it's family members, friends, or people i barely even know, they all seem to feel free to discuss the size of my bits. generally it's flattering and nice things are said, but sometimes it ruins my mental image of myself pre-diet where i thought i carried my weight well and still looked presentable.

people haven't talked about my body this much since i was twenty-one and working in night clubs on the weekends. back then it was mostly comments like, "girl, yo booty's so fine i wanna bounce up outta here and git witchoo in my truck outside." or, "oh my gah, your knockers are so huge! are they real? can i touch them? i've been thinking about getting mine done, but my fiance thinks i'll leave him for another guy if he buys boobs for me." (this last one most often happened in the bathroom at a club whilst reapplying lipstick and straightening out our cleavage after doing 8 shots of goldschlager off the ice block.

one of the things i've discovered at this stage of the weight loss game is that my skin is not bouncing back. it's getting a little bit of a crepe papery consistency in certain places. think streamers for skin along certain body parts. i cut myself while shaving all the time now. what once was all padded, rounded tree trunks is now angular, knobby knees just asking to be sliced and diced as i drag that razor around my legs.

my poor butt has shrunk to the point that it's almost flat. there's some nice gluteus maximus action happening in there, but the curves are gone. as a result, the skin doesn't fit properly anymore, causing there to be folds at times when i sit. i can't sit comfortably in a hard chair for any length of time and i've resorted to sitting on an exercise ball instead of a desk chair when i'm at my computer. the worst part is when a chunk of my formerly round butt folds over on itself as i'm sitting my down onto something, causing me to gasp, wince and reach down to adjust things, just like an old dude who's accidentally sat on a testicle. very unglamorous.

my plump, lush breasticles are shriveling up at an alarming rate. when i take off my bra to release my after dinner boobs, there's a drop of several inches and then a sway that keeps going like ripples on the water. most of my bras are baggy now and sometimes, when i look down my shirt to admire what was once a luscious garden of ladydom, i see instead wrinkly meat bags hanging in my shirt, looking very sad and used up.

in the past when i lost weight, i managed to keep the hoots looking fresh and roundish, though slightly long in the tooth due to the great weight they maintained. i got thin, but still had two nice, full D cups perched upon my chest. in hindsight, i had nothing to do with that, it was just a lovely side effect of being busty and youthful.

apparently, 37 no longer qualifies as youthful and at the rate i'm going, i won't qualify as busty anymore by the time christmas rolls around.

too often now i discover what i've termed "yoga boob" on my chest. it's when you're wearing a sports bra and doing something active, like leaning forward and reaching out your arms. when you next stand upright, the girls are up, out the top of your bra, but not in a pretty boobie sort of way, but there they are, folded, twisted and stuck, looking defective.

i'm afraid i might find myself wadding up rags or clumps of dismantled stuffed animal fluff to fill out the gaping space in my non-sporty bras. at this point, i could fit a ham and cheese sandwich into each cup, so maybe i could utilize that possibility and make my bras into mobile snack storage units. maybe some sliced apples on one side and some low-fat yogurt in a ziploc baggy in the other.

we'll be at walmart for an overdue shopping trip and brooke will complain that she's hungry. i've stopped carrying my massive suitcase sized purses lately in favor of my cute little hand bags, so i no longer have a lunch box quantity of food and beverages hanging from my arm.

instead, i'll have the food hanging on my chest. i'll bring out a couple slices of cheese, warm and slightly melty, but probably still edible. i'll dig a bit deeper into the neckline of my shirt and find that roll of smarties that somehow found its way under my left lady lump. most of the candy is still in the wrapper and the ones that got away just look like extra nipples now.

on the right side i'll find some crackers that are partially intact and a couple pieces of pepperoni stuck together and oozing grease.

i'll plunk the mess onto a linty tissue i find in my dinky purse and hand this gourmet meal to my starving child. "there ya go. munchables, straight from my heart."

36 comments:

  1. Sherilin . . . . I needed a good laugh today. This was absolutely hilarious. Makes me a slight bit nervous about my recent weight loss and hopefully future weight loss venture, as I am 51 years old. If this has happened to you, what is in store for your old Aunt Joan!!!!!

    Love you!!!!

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    1. hopefully your skin is genetically programmed to be more elastic than mine is.

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  2. Speaking as a man with an active imagination, I have to admit that the idea of having accessible, ready-to-eat food alongside breasts in close proximity intrigues me greatly.
    Think I'll just leave it at that.

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    1. i hadn't thought about the possibility of storing snacks there for the man. hmm... he might like that too.

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  3. This post made me really laugh Sherilin but you shouldn't feel too bad because it sounds like you're making positive progress more than anything negative, the weight that you've lost over the eight months is incredible and you should feel really proud of yourself no matter what.

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    1. i do feel proud of myself. thank you!

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  4. I so get the statement "after dinner boobs!" Made me laugh out loud!

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  5. I understand this all very well! The lovely cherry on top of a very awesome job of getting so skinny!

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    1. i feel like this is my penance for being overweight for so long. my albatross around my neck.

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  6. I love the old dude sitting on the testicle bit - it happens to me about once per fortnight.

    Don't lose too much weight - contrary to what the (mostly homosexual)fashion designers might suggest, most men prefer ladies with some flesh on them.

    Take care

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    Replies
    1. my man does prefer some padding. he called me skeletor the other day & i'm pretty sure he didn't mean it as a compliment.

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  7. Awesome. Just awesome. And while I can say my kids would be in utter disgust, my husband would always love a booby lunchable. :)

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    1. i'm discovering a theme here- an untapped market perhaps of a new way to carry snacks for our men.

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  8. Well...I TOTALLY congratulate you on your weight loss. Especially if it has made a difference in your health and well being.
    Did you follow a particular diet program...what??? I am curious.
    And, my boobs have kinda been "holding their own" at 61. They droop more, YUP, but I still got the girls.

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    1. no structured diet plan. just sensible, healthy eating, keeping my calories low and exercising a lot.
      i hope your girls hold their own forever & don't shrivel up.

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  9. Somehow, the sight of a woman (or man...oh, my, I just grossed myself out) pulling lunch from a set of boobs would be considered a slow day at Walmart.
    So you're good to go.

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    1. you should know, since you work at walmart in your special vest, right?

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  10. Boobie lunchables. Such a great idea. But congratulations on the weight loss.

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    1. thanks. you should ask your wife to start carrying snacks for you in her bra. but don't recoil if they're warm when she gets them out for you.

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  11. I was dying at the description of the old man and his testicles. So this is what I have to look forward to now that I am getting ready to join weight watchers and start exercising. I think the boob description is the main reason my husband does not say one bad word about my weight. He has even asked when I exercise, your boobs won't get smaller will they? I love a husband who is happy with how things are.
    Seriously though, I am very proud of you for how far you have come, if it makes you happy, that is all that matters.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. it's all about the boobs for the guys, isn't it? they cover over a multitude of other body sins as long as they're plump and full.
      good luck with weight watchers!

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  12. Thanksd for my laugh of the day! Congratulations on losing all that weight. You are much more disciplined than I!

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    1. i displayed almost no discipline for 10 years. then i got sick of it.

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  13. Good for you for losing all that weight! We hall have body issues, dont we? Forme it's more about getting bit older and gaining a bit of blubber. I think have a double chin. A DOUBLE CHIN. F*ck.

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    1. girl, i've had a double chin for so long that i can hardly remember a time when i DIDN'T have one! i would always tell the lady cutting my hair to cut it longer than my longest neck roll so that i could try to hide behind it.

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  14. Congrats on losing all that weight. I know it's not easy!

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    1. thanks and you're right, definitely not easy.

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  15. I wish my boobs would shrink!
    You know,... boob shrinkage is a good excuse to go out and buy all new bras.. just sayin.

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    1. i've bought all new bras twice already! and they're expensive. i've gotten practically everything in my wardrobe second hand, but undies and bras need to be new.

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  16. Sherilin, your honesty and candidness in this post was really touching to me. It's not fair is is: we work so hard to get in shape, but as we get older, the old body doesn't just SPRING into a smaller package. I've been thinking a lot lately about a tummy tuck, since my stretched out Mommy Tummy will never truly reflect all my exercise efforts.

    And for the record, I thought you were beautiful before too.

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    1. poor us with our muscular booties and blobby bellies, in spite of all our hard work. i think i might get a tummy tuck too if i ever found myself with a few extra thousand dollars sitting around.

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  17. oh--and my bum's gotten a lot flatter too! More muscle-shaped...but flatter.

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  18. Losing weight is hard work and I'm impressed with how diligent you've been!

    I know that there are procedures that can tighten up the skin, but I doubt it's covered by medical insurance, so what's a girl to do?!

    We're all very proud of you, Sherilin!

    Pearl

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  19. Haha! This post cracked me up! I've got a bit of extra skin hanging around after the baby, so I know how you feel. Crepe paper is right! No matter how much weight I lose, the baggy skin remains. In fact, the more I lose, the worse it looks! Bleh. And I also hate how people seem to feel they can talk freely about my shape now. Even if they're saying positive things, I've never been okay with any sort of scrutiny. Makes me very uncomfortable. Congrats on the weight loss! So inspiring!

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  20. I’m really like it! Very, very dgdeeac good!

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don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!