Monday, April 5, 2010

round two of the self exposure

here we go again. once i got the first list done last week, my brain started delivering a plethora of fresh ideas just begging to get into another blog, so i might as well get them out here. i think i have too many for one post though, so i think i'll give this one a theme & it will be "body related incidents." unfortunately i seem to have a lot of those.

~ last easter i got myself a new dress to wear to church. i had a heck of a time finding something flattering, comfortable & affordable all in one garment, but i finally succeeded. i put it on to wear that sunday & put on the new shoes that weren't my first choice but i had run out of shopping time, so they'd have to do. i knew really quickly that the shoes were bad. too big, i couldn't walk without clomping like a kid playing in mommy's shoes. i stuffed a couple tissues into the toes to try to alleviate the problem, but it didn't help much. i got into the car to go with brooke & chris was going to be right behind us a few minutes later. when i looked down as i was sitting in the car i realized that the dress had slid so low in the chest that my nipples were almost showing! i kept frantically trying to adjust things, but it wasn't working. the boobs were out to play. i called chris, feeling panicky & asked him to rifle through my closet for any skinny tanky thing he could find that preferably might not clash w/ my dress. and even if it did, at least i wouldn't look like a ho. i still went in to church & tried to just hold something in front of my chest area because i didn't want to be late. when chris got there a few minutes later, i changed & it was fine & then i only had to deal with the tissues that kept sliding up & showing around the edges of my shoes. sigh. this is why it doesn't pay to dress up. thank God for a church where i can wear shorts & flip flops whenever i want to w/o raising an eyebrow!

~ when i was about 21 i had a membership to a gym that also had tanning beds. i'm a ridiculously pasty girl, so i took full advantage of the chance for a tan. i'd seen girls in bathing suits w/ that little space between the top of the thigh & the bottom of the butt where there was a white strip from lying in a tanning bed. i was determined to be smarter than them & avoid the white stripe, so i adjusted my cheeks in such a way that i was pretty sure i could tan that spot just fine. it wasn't until later that night that i realized that i had completely fried my butt crack. for several days, i couldn't walk, sit or use the facilities without wincing in pain.

~ my brother had a half pipe when we were in high school; it was 8 feet high on both ends. once when i was about 13 i had several friends over for a party. we were running around on the ramp, trying to climb up onto the platforms & acting silly. well, somehow in the course of my running up once, i slipped & ended up sliding down feet first w/ my belly pressed against the plywood. when i stopped moving i discovered that i'd taken a piece of the plywood with me, embedded in my pelvic region. i waddled into the bathroom & came very close to fainting while trying to pull this chunk of wood out of my shorts, but it was like my jean shorts & undies had been stapled to my body. once it was out i found that there were barbs sticking out of that thing that were holding it securely in place until i yanked really hard & managed to dislodge it. it wasn't like i could ask anyone for help! i still have it, stored away in a secure location so i can always remember my incident w/ the "cliver."

~ last year i went for my first mammogram. i had a minor issue & a family history of breast cancer, so it was time to get it done. the nurse delivered me to a dressing room & told me to undress, put on a gown & go wait in a room till i was called. ok. once she was out of my cubby, i realized that it seemed strange to have to strip down all the way when i was only getting an up-top exam, but i decided to err on the side of extra nudity. once, when i was preg, i thought i was just getting a belly check & didn't take off my pants. my dr told me i needed to take them off & then stood there while i climbed out of them, which was really embarrassing. so i thought this time i'd just take it all off. i walked carefully out to the waiting room so as to not expose my girlie goodies & eventually i was called across the hall for my boob crushing appointment. the tech proceeds to show me how to jam my left tittie into the vice & in order to do so i need to take one shoulder of my fancy gown off. i'm pretty sure my entire armpit was also pulled into that thing at some point, but that's beside the point. the tech lady stepped away & looked down at me (i could only barely see her out of the corner of my eye as i tried to crane my neck around to make sure she was moving quickly ) and i saw her eyes bug out of her head for a split second as she caught a glimpse of my bare ass. she tried to fix her face quickly, but the look of shock was definitely there. i heard her gulp as she stammered, "uh, um, most people, uh well, you really only needed to take off your top." seriously?!! you'd think the nurse lady would have told me that before i stripped bare! as if having your entire chest and armpit area crammed into a garbage disposal type mechanism while standing on tip toe & trying not to move or scream is bad enough, now i'm also worried about my apparently inappropriate nudity that's clearly making this lady uncomfortable! way to make a good impression! at some point in the way-too-long-and-torturous process i started to find the humor. like me exposing my pubies to her was making her uncomfortable, (especially since she had to be leaned in close & wrangling my tit into the monstrous machine) and that was making me uncomfortable, so it was like an equal trade. tit for twat.


  1. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying...tit for twat. :)

  2. lmao!! omg i needed to laugh this morning! you are too much! i love these stories keep them coming. im also quite glad im not the only one who was told to get fully nekked for a boob squish!! i think those nurses do it on purpose!

  3. What can anyone possibly say to that? When even your mother is crying from laughing so hard you know you have a way of looking at things that resonates with many other sympathetic victims of similar humiliation.

  4. I bought a new bra earlier last week, when I put on my shirt yesterday I realized quickly that the bra and shirt would not be playing nice with one another. So, I threw a tank top on underneath the shirt and rushed out of the house. I thought everything was fine, until I saw the visitor in front of me staring at me with an odd look on his face. I glanced down to see that Ally's hug had managed to pull both the shirt and tank top down, exposing my brand new training bra. I'm pretty sure the man was in shock after seeing the tinniest tits in the world!
    When the boobs want out, they want out, Easter Sunday or not!

  5. oh my gosh, ladonna! that's hilarious!! did you blog about it?


don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!