there are days when being brooke's mom leaves me feeling like i'm drowning. or like i'm on another planet where the creatures around me act & speak in a way that makes no sense, but i know i'm supposed to do something, i just have no idea what. they desperately need my help, but i can't figure out what that help looks like or how to perform it.
i sometimes wonder what God was thinking when He gave her to me. i don't know what i'm doing. she sometimes seems so sad or frustrated or overwhelmed, but there's nothing that i can figure out that i can do to help her. when she's hurt, she runs away from me, not toward me. if i wrap my arms around her & attempt to comfort her, she often stiffens up or tries to get away & run & hide. her stuffed animals give her greater comfort than i do. the cat makes her happier than i do. i would give my life for brooke, but so often i'm useless to her. she'd rather hold some inanimate object & hide in a hole than be with me. i just don't understand.
i think maybe it's time for us to get some testing done. i need to find a dependable, knowledgable doctor or counselor who can help steer us in the right direction, if such a direction exists. it would be great if some questions could be answered and maybe we can take some actions that would feel productive for a change.
i'm sorry to whine on here tonight. it's hard to feel funny or entertaining when i feel like i'm sinking.