Tuesday, April 27, 2010


there are days when being brooke's mom leaves me feeling like i'm drowning. or like i'm on another planet where the creatures around me act & speak in a way that makes no sense, but i know i'm supposed to do something, i just have no idea what. they desperately need my help, but i can't figure out what that help looks like or how to perform it.

i sometimes wonder what God was thinking when He gave her to me. i don't know what i'm doing. she sometimes seems so sad or frustrated or overwhelmed, but there's nothing that i can figure out that i can do to help her. when she's hurt, she runs away from me, not toward me. if i wrap my arms around her & attempt to comfort her, she often stiffens up or tries to get away & run & hide. her stuffed animals give her greater comfort than i do. the cat makes her happier than i do. i would give my life for brooke, but so often i'm useless to her. she'd rather hold some inanimate object & hide in a hole than be with me. i just don't understand.

i think maybe it's time for us to get some testing done. i need to find a dependable, knowledgable doctor or counselor who can help steer us in the right direction, if such a direction exists. it would be great if some questions could be answered and maybe we can take some actions that would feel productive for a change.

i'm sorry to whine on here tonight. it's hard to feel funny or entertaining when i feel like i'm sinking.


  1. I don't think it's whining. It's a really tough spot, you know? You've not wanted to put her in a box, and you've succeeded at that for so long. Admitting you need answers or to find some help is a hard place to find yourself. You guys have "done it alone" for a really long time; to me it's amazing that you're just getting to the sinking point. How best can I encourage you??

  2. you are very kind to offer encouragement. some days i feel foolish or pathetic to even think i'd need help w/ her because she's so good & easy & then there are other days, like yesterday where i felt like i was at the bottom of a hole & all i could see was dirt. today's better. my mom reminded me that i'm not required to have answers, i'm required to turn to God for answers. He knows what brooke needs & how i can assist with that. sometimes i forget that.

  3. Praying for you.. and I have felt the same way you have but with different circumstances. Hang in there. God did pick you to be her mom.. because you are the best mom for her.


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