Friday, April 16, 2010

tipsy chickens

13 years ago when chris & i were dating & i was living at my parents' house, i was working at a paging & cell phone company. one weekend, my parents & little sisters were out of town & chris was driving a limo, so he was out pretty much all night, which meant that i was left to my own devices that friday night.

after work was over for the day, a couple co-workers & i decided that we were going to go to tgifridays, across the parking lot for dinner & maybe a drink or two. the tables were all full, so we sat at the bar, & somehow i think i forgot to eat dinner that night & accidentally had about 5 drinks instead. i was drinking royal flushes, which i'd never had before (or after, for that matter) and they were just so fruity & delicious that i kept guzzling them & ordering more. eventually, my co-workers needed to go back to their lives, so they left me there because i assured them that i was absolutely fine & didn't need anyone to babysit me.

when i was finally ready to go, i tipped excessively & stumbled out of the bar & back across the parking lot toward my office where my car was parked. on the way there, 2 men who were sitting in a parked car stopped me & asked if i wanted a cigar. so i climbed into the back seat of that car with those 2 strange men & smoked a fat stogie. when i was finished, i got back out & kept heading toward my car. once i got there i realized that i really shouldn't be driving, so i managed to unlock my office & wander in. i wasn't sure what i was going to do while i was in there, probably drunk page chris a few times or take a lil nap till i thought i was sober enough to drive my stupid ass home. i had only just tripped through the door before my boss drove back into the parking lot to check on me. i guess it had occurred to him that i probably wasn't in any state to be taking myself anywhere & he was kind enough to come back to taxi me home in his chevette.

i got back to my house; i went inside & collapsed into bed. it wasn't even dark yet, but i couldn't stay awake for more than a couple minutes. i took the phone to bed with me because i was hoping chris would eventually have time to call me back since i'd paged him repeatedly for no good reason.

around midnight i ran outside & puked by the back door, all over the ground and then crawled straight back into bed, still in my work clothes. around 3am i woke up again & by then i was approaching sober & noticed that the back door was wide open. i got a little bit nervous that i'd been sleeping with the house open & there was no one else home to protect my foolish self, so i snatched the phone out of my bed to try calling chris, but the phone had no dial tone. i ran upstairs & checked the kitchen phone & that one was dead too! i was suddenly positive that someone had cut the phone lines, snuck into the house, & i was in imminent danger of being raped and killed.

i ran straight out of the house to my parents' next door neighbor where i proceeded to bang & ring until the kind, skinny little man came down in his pajamas to see what the heck was going on. (maybe i wasn't quite as sober as i thought) he came back to my house & went room by room with me, poking through every nook & cranny. we made it to my room last & that's when he discovered that my cordless phone had been left turned on in my bed, so the lines weren't cut, it was just off the hook. hence the lack of a dial tone. i felt rather stupid after that & walked him politely to the door & thanked him for saving me from my imagination.

i was able to reach chris after that, which was good because he'd been concerned that i'd paged him multiple times but when he called me back, he could only get a busy signal on the house phone.

the next morning i was feeling pretty stupid about my escapades of the previous night & i went out back to find a hose so i could clean off the patio where i'd hurled my royal flushes so indelicately, but the patio was practically spotless. where had the barf gone? that's when one of my sisters chickens came waddling over, pecking around the edges of the patio. finishing off the last scraps of my stupid evening till there was nothing left to show for it... but tipsy chickens.


  1. lol omg ur cracking me up!!! i have had a few similar experiences. not with chickens but thinking someone was in the house with my drunk ass!

  2. geez. I'd have thought that thinking the phone lines had been cut would have been IMMEDIATELY sobering. Why did you run outside to throw up instead of to the toilet?!?


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