Friday, April 2, 2010

raccoon chronicles part 3

i just got done doing an activity that was both disgusting & kind of embarrassing. i know, i know, after my last blog, you probably think i can't be embarrassed. oh how i wish that were true.

well, i just dug an expired frozen chicken breast out of the freezer, thawed it in the sink & then proceeded to chop it up into leetle, bite sized pieces. i put half in a bowl in the fridge & then snuck out the back door w/ the other half. that's right, i took it to the raccoons. i don't eat or touch meat, so this is kind of a big deal for me.

i've run out of stale bread & cereal, so a few days ago i was trying to think of something else i could feed my furry buddies so they'll keep me in their rotation. i found a package of old, fake chicken that has been in my freezer for years. it was kind of small & apparently it got lost somewhere in the deep, dark depths of my freezer. i checked the date & it said dec 06. yeah. i decided that it might be just the thing for the banditos, so i chopped it open & dumped that freezer burned lump of nastiness into their bowl on a sunny day & hoped it would thaw. chris thought it might be a bad idea because it was so old that it would probably give them the runs. i didn't care. out it went.

later that night i saw the light turn on, so i skeedaddled over to the window to see how they liked my chik trick. they had pulled all the little pieces apart & several of them were spread around on the deck, but they weren't being consumed! i was kind of disappointed. i liked thinking that maybe i could help these guys to try something new (albiet without their knowledge), but it wasn't working. the fat one dunked a couple chunks into the water bowl & stuck one in his mouth & then spit it out & ran away.

oh well, they couldn't be tricked into vegetarianism afterall. or so i thought. when brooke woke me up the next day she told me that the bowl was empty & sure enough it was! the water bowl was almost empty & filthy too, so maybe they needed a lot of water to wash it down with, but at least that box of chickenish morsels is no longer hiding in my freezer. i wonder if anyone had explosive diarhea the next day.

i like making them work for their food a bit, so i'll lock a stale slice of bread into the suet box just so they have to work to dig it out. i've tried to think of some other things i can do to mess with them, so i've been putting bits of stuff on the ledges of the window, between the panes of glass so that they have to stretch really far up or out to get them. i entice them w/ the okay stuff & put the better bits up higher.  i'll put bird seed at the bottom & then move to raisins on the second or third level window. and it's even more fun to see them reach waaaay out to try to get the ones that are really too far for them to reach. they'll be leaning so far out that they're just on the tips of the toes of one foot to reach the food, but dang, they're determined! one night, it was pouring rain with thunder & lightning & i heard a bunch of commotion out back, so i went & looked & there was a fat, soaked raccoon, smashed up against my window, trying desperately to reach a raisin that i'd put just barely out of his reach. i couldn't help but laugh at him as he kersplatted onto the ground, just managing to swipe the scrap off the ledge w/ one claw on the way down. he gobbled it up & dragged his waterlogged body up to do it again & again, all the while i gawked & giggled. maybe it's a character flaw, but i don't feel badly about making them work for a meal. just like anyone else, there's no such thing as a free lunch. i make them pay me with amusement.

we have a small, kids basketball hoop on our deck & brooke put a bunch of old hard mini marshmallows around the rim of the basket one day. i got to watch one little dude hanging on by his fingernails as he worked his way around the rim, snarfing up the sugary niblets & scooting like a pro. he kept swinging his legs around & nearly tipped the whole thing over in the process, but he hung on & got every last one.

yesterday i put out a whole frozen chicken breast & they dragged it away without me getting to see a thing, so tonight i got smart & that's why i was cutting it into bite sized pieces. i want them to have to stay long enough for me to see them. i finally got see one swipe an egg the other night, but as soon as she cracked it open, it rolled & dumped the entire contents through a space between boards. i was concerned about the potential stink in the days to come, but she scampered right down & went under the deck, so i'm assuming she was smart enough to figure out where her slimey slop had gone & retrieved it.

my cat seems to have caught on to my love of these critters because recently she's started getting really worked up when they come to the window. when they come up close to the glass to get their goodies, she goes straight up to them & meows & rubs against the glass & purrs loudly. if i'm standing nearby, she rubs all over me too & keeps bouncing back to the window to lovingly greet them again. well, one night she ran to the window to see her coony love & i don't know what went wrong, but suddenly she was hissing & yowling loudly & repeatedly slapping at the glass. i don't know if this was a different raccoon than the one she likes or if it just didn't show her enough attention, but it was pretty funny to watch. it kept backing away from her when she'd yell at it, but it couldn't resist the marshmallows for long & soon it would come back for another snack & smack at the window.

and now i play the waiting game. wait for the furry thieves to come marauding about my yard. ooo! i think i heard something!


  1. Have you tried baking coon cookies? Since you're not too proud to admit to cutting up a chicken breast for your fat, furry buddies, you ought to have no shame in mixing up a batch of varmint batter and spreading it on a cookie sheet to bake, then breaking it up into little pieces for the nightly dole. I'm sure Brooke would enjoy thinking up a variety of interesting ingredients to make them both yummy and nutritious, just as with your homemade bird suet. Sounds like fun to me! But then, I've been known to get up every two hours all night long and around the clock to dropper feed a baby squirrel, so I'm reminded once again where you get it from.

  2. i wish i had baby squirrels to feed in the night! isn't the bottom picture cute? he was kinda little & dainty except for his butt which oversized & waddly. he sure chowed that chicken down like he was starving!
    i wonder if i'll find anything if i google coon cookies. probably how to make coons into cookies!


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