Sunday, August 1, 2010

a sappy letter to my little love

my brookie, my love. tomorrow you're turning 8 & it seems pretty amazing that we've gotten here already. i know you aren't very happy about that at the moment because turning 8 means you're almost 9 and in your mind, being 9 means you're almost 12 & being 12 means you're practically a teenager & you seriously do NOT want to be a teenager. but that's still 5 long years away yet & we've got tons of living to do between now & then. when i was your age, i couldn't wait to grow up & do all the grown up things. but i think you've got it right. i think you're enjoying your childhood more than i enjoyed mine because you suck up all the things that each day has to offer. you feel all of it intensely & you do the things that are meaningful to you with every ounce of yourself.

i loved snuggling in your bed with you tonight. it's rare that i do that because i'm always in a hurry to get to my quiet downstairs, but tonight when you were crying about your impending birthday & then whacked your head on the top bunk when you were questing for your tissues in the dark room, i knew tonight was the night for the snugs. tonight was the night to let you lure me under the covers for a full on snuggle with a back & head massage thrown in as a bonus.

8 years ago on this day, i was starting to freak out a little bit. i'd gone to the doctor earlier in the day & he told me that in the morning i needed to be at the hospital at 5am for a c-section. that's pretty intense to think about because it's 2 huge things at once - having major surgery & bringing a brand spanking new human being into the world all at the same time. i was finally going to get to meet this amazingly squirmy person who'd been grinding her head into my pubic bone for the past few days. i hardly got any sleep just thinking about it all & having to go pee about every 20 minutes (thanks a lot for that).

daddy drove me to the hospital while it was still dark outside. i had my makeup on & my hair done because i wanted to look pretty when i met you. it took some time to get all checked in, but eventually we were put into a room where they put me into a tacky gown & attached me to every gizmo in there. i could see contractions showing on the printout, and i knew that meant you were ready to come out too. there were several women needing the surgical delivery room that morning, which meant i was waiting in a line of sorts, so i had to be ready to roll when my name was finally called. that meant they put the catheter in while i was still fully conscious & feeling everything (i'll tell you what that means later). that was no fun at all. then i waited. i sent the anxious grandparents out to the waiting room because i didn't want them to see my pee piddling down the tube into the bag beside the bed. plus, i was feeling so nervous, i was almost getting sick. daddy nearly fell asleep in the chair across the room.

finally, it was my turn. i was pulled out of bed by one nurse while another one carried my pee bag, swinging it around while she talked & walked. that is not the kind of leash you want to be led around by. i got situated on the tall metal table & they made me bend forward & try to touch my toes. you were all up in my way & i could hardly bend at all, but i was pushed forward until i was in position for the man w/ the needle to stab it into my back & render me numb. when they laid me backwards on the table, the numb shot from my knees all the way up into my shoulders in about 2 seconds flat. i could only feel my head, neck & 2 or 3 fingers on each hand. seemed a bit excessive to me, but better too much than too little in that situation.

they put up the curtain & then swabbed me down w/ iodine (or something orange & slimy) that i could see reflected in the big, shiny light above my stomach. daddy was holding my hand & trying not to look toward my lower body. i felt them cut me, but it didn't hurt. daddy said he saw a stream of my blood shoot across the room & hit someone in the back. i felt them pull on my stomach from above & below to make room for them to slither you out through the little bitty opening. i heard someone say, "get ready, the baby's about to come out!" i looked into the reflective light then & i saw someone stick a hand down into my stomach & pull out your head. i could see them use the suction bulb to clean your throat while the rest of you was still inside me. then they left your head there for a moment before they pulled the rest of your body out & it looked like there was an alien inside me, trying to escape. that was my first glimpse of you & i thought, you were my little alien head baby.

they pulled you the rest of the way out & then swung you around the side of the curtain all fast & crazy. your arms & legs were sticking straight out away from your body & your mouth was wide open, but silent. you were purplish & covered in white slime. they called you a wisconsin cheese baby. then they whisked you away to the other side of the room & wrapped you up & wiped you off. i asked daddy if you were ok & he said that you were & you were a girl, just like we wanted. our sweet, baby brookie. no more calling you ned.

you had some trouble at the beginning & they wouldn't let us hold you for very long because you were cold & weren't breathing right. they put you in an incubator & hooked you up to wires & tubes. you were so tiny & delicate & you had a little dimple in your chin. a nurse told me your dimple was actually a muscle defect & i would have punched her in the mouth if i'd been able to reach her. how dare she call my perfect pumpkin defective! some people have no sense at all.

eventually i got you in my arms again. it took hours of suffering on my end & threatening every nurse who came into my room, but in time, you came back to me. you were my dream come true then & you still are now. this has been 8 of the best years of my life. i'm glad you're turning 8, even if you're not, because that means we've had a bunch of great years together, learning and laughing. and as you get older, i can see better into who you are & who you're becoming. your future is a mystery & one i can't wait to read. i love you, brooke. thank you for being my girl.


  1. I am so glad you shared. Happy Birthday Brooke... tell her Gianna doesn't want to be a teenager either. She thinks they are all mean. LOL

  2. Happy birthday, my little Brookie! Mimi thinks you're the BEST!!! And, oh yeah, your mama is the best too because she was my first baby girl, my dream come true. I love you both.

  3. Happy Birthday Brooke! This is an awesome post!

  4. Oh, dammit when your posts make me cry. And I will never ever have a c-section after reading this. Even if that's the only option. Not happening.


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