Monday, April 16, 2012

it smells faintly of raspberries

there are times when life feels unfair. there are no good reasons and yet, things happen anyway. we can't control them, they're just a part of life that we have to learn to deal with. like periods. especially for children. and by children, i mean girl-children. and by girl-children, i do not mean brooke. thankfully that's a bridge we haven't had to cross yet.

but many girls start when they're way too young to be having to deal with such things. take myself, for instance. i started at the ripe old age of eleven. i was one of those kids who looked on the event with joyous anticipation. i couldn't get that thing kick started fast enough and once i did start, i told pretty much everyone. it was like it was my birthday and i thought everyone should know and maybe there would be presents and cake.

i thought it made me the most mature and fabulous girl in my group of friends. i offered unsolicited advice to other girls about how it felt and how it should be dealt with and what the drawbacks were. though, in my mind at that time, there were hardly any. long list of pros, not so many cons.

one time, a few months after aunt flo made her maiden voyage into my underwear, i had a friend at my house for a sleepover. she asked about my mysterious period and i proudly boasted that i was having it right then. i was lying. it hadn't been back for a second showing, but i didn't want anyone to know. i felt like my period was a sham, mocking me and my imagined womanliness.

i decided that i would need to prove to her that i really was advanced in the underpants, so i slapped a pad into my undies and would occasionally yank at my rear gear to show her how uncomfortable my new lot in life was. such a martyr. then i decided that it wasn't enough just to wear it, because what would happen if my friend somehow discovered that it was unsullied? i scouted around the house in search of something i could use to mimic blood that wouldn't be dangerous to my girl-parts.

i settled on a bottle of purpley roll-on bath soap that belonged to my little sisters. it came in a bottle like roll-on deodorant, but it was bright colored and fun for kids in the bathtub. i figured it would meet my fake period requirements quite nicely, so i rolled out a storm of soap into my pad and pulled my pants up.

shortly after, i coerced my friend into going to the bathroom with me. i'm sure it didn't take much since we regularly shared bathroom time back then and didn't think a thing about peeing in front of each other. i made sure she caught a glimpse of my "used" pad while i was yanking it out and wrapping it up into a ball with half a roll of toilet paper.

i felt rather pleased with myself for my clever manipulation of her senses. it was like i was a stager, changing reality for another person. only looking back now, i realize that while i thought i was smart, i probably scared her. she probably went home thinking about how she really didn't want to get her own period because that menstrual blood isn't like regular blood. it's purple and foamy, like toxic waste. but on the up-side, it smells faintly of raspberries.

30 comments:

  1. This post seriously made me laugh Sherry, as icky as it kind of is, I love how the last line is the same as your title too, hilarious stuff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. truly, it is icky. but ick makes for some of the best humor!

      Delete
  2. I never had daughters and didn't have an opportunity to parent someone through this ordeal, for which I now give thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i feel sorry for men dealing with pubescent daughters.

      Delete
  3. ROFL!! I can only imagine what that girl must have been thinking lol!! that is great!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i sent her a link to this post. i'd love to hear her thoughts. or if she even remembers it at all.

      Delete
  4. OB-GYN: "Okay, ma'am. Let's see if we can determine the source of your troubles. What's your flow like?"
    Woman: "Linoleum."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol! you should've been a gyno, al. think of all the great stories!

      Delete
    2. I thought about being a proctologist, but didn't want to be a pain in the ass.

      Delete
  5. OMG the girl was probably scared for life....hahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  6. hey! I was eleven too! Hooray for both of us. Geez...I have no memory of checking any calendar or waiting or if the second period was on time or anything! It was all a blur after that first one. Or, mostly a blur. There are some super awkward tampon memories. Like you, I felt like it made me the most GIRLRIFFIC girl in my group.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i didn't get started on the tampons right away. i'm sure my mom didn't think i was old enough. though, eventually i taught myself while standing in a closet at my friend's house...

      Delete
  7. I was ten. That's all I remember. That and the cramps.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ooohhh, the cramps back then were the worst part!

      Delete
  8. I was 11, and had eaten a bag of gummy bears the day that I first started. When I got home & saw that I had started, I assumed that all the gummy bears had resulted in me having an "accident". I told my mom, & she explained that it was my "monthly gift". I said, "oh, like in 'My Girl'?" (which was the Blockbuster hit at the time). She said yes, and I said, "ah....OKAY!" and went back to watching Saved by the Bell.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. do you still think of gummy bears sometimes when you get your period?

      Delete
    2. Hah! Sometimes! Of course, I'm a sugar addict so there's rarely a time that I'd ever turn them down... :D

      Delete
  9. LOL, that is hilarious!! I think I was 12 or 13 and I was the exact opposite - absolutely horrified and mortified at the thought that any of my friends might notice. Ugh! And Al, good joke! It took me a second though... I'm a little slow in the joke department.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i think your reaction was more normal. because who really wants to deal with that mess for the rest of her life?

      Delete
  10. Haha! Hilarious! Did your friend read the post? I was eleven also. I couldn't wait for it to start, but once it did, I hated it. I had to miss a pool party that summer because I didn't want to wear a gigantic pad bulging in the crotch of my swimsuit and I had visions of it coming loose and floating in the water. So rather than risk mortification, I skipped the party.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i don't know if she's read it yet. i wonder if she'll message me if she does.
      i went to a couple water events in my pre-tampon days, but just kept my shorts on & wouldn't tell people why.

      Delete
  11. That's awesome. I remember when I told my mom I got mine she said, "Well, you're gonna cry a lot more now. Oh, and chocolate will be your new best friend."

    Damn, was she right.

    Oh, you have to pick a winner from yesterday's contest! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mmm, chocolate!

      i was the winner, yay!

      Delete
  12. "Aunt flo made her maiden voyage into my underwear." I nearly lost it with that. Too damned funny. Thanks for the laughs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. glad you liked that. i probably shouldn't have written it, but if someone appreciates it, it was worth it, right?

      Delete
  13. Oh my god that's hilarious! My daughter is on the verge of smelling like raspberries and needing a bra. I'm hoping we can make it a couple more months so we can bra shop together in the states. I'm worried buying a bra in Morocco might come with a mandatory headscarf, you know since she'll be a woman and all...

    ReplyDelete
  14. haah i remember these times clearly...the stresses of a preteen girl!
    I am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.

    ReplyDelete

don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!