Saturday, August 27, 2011

dead man whacking

this story has been percolating for a long time & i've finally decided that i'm going to write it, because it's just too bizarre and it wants to be told. and even though it sounds like i've made parts up, i assure you, i do not daydream up stories about such things.

when i was 21 (a lot of my stories seem to have happened around that time. they were sort of my glory days. i did lots of stupid stuff that makes for great story fodder, but i would never want to live it again.) i went to a movie theatre with a girlfriend to see "Dead Man Walking."  if you haven't seen it, there's a link to the trailer, but essentially, it's the story of a convicted murderer on death row & a nun who is his spiritual advisor. it is a sad drama.

the movie had been playing for at least half an hour. there weren't many people in the theatre because it had been out for quite a while and it was a weekday. then a man came in & sat down 3 seats away from me. it seemed odd to me that with all the empty seats in the theatre, he'd chosen to sit with just 2 empty chairs between us. it was also odd that he'd come into the movie so long after it had started. other than thinking those two things, i didn't pay any attention to the man.

a few minutes later, i got the feeling that i was being watched. i glanced over & saw that he was staring at my legs. both myself and my friend were wearing shorts & we had our feet up on the empty seats in front of us and that man was very clearly & openly looking at our legs. i nudged my friend and pointed at him. at that time in our lives, we were used to getting checked out by men, so it didn't strike us as surprising, just tacky to be so obvious about it.

shortly after that, i noticed movement out of the corner of my eye and peeked toward him again. there was movement in the region of his lap. i was elbowing my friend & whispering frantically that i thought the dude was handling himself. she wasn't shy at all about turning to stare straight at him to determine if i was right. and sure enough, he wasn't just handling his business, he had pulled it all the way out.

we were pretty shocked to be sitting in a sad movie in a public theatre and to have a man sitting beside us, spanking his monkey. we didn't know what we should do. we would have had to climb over him to get to the aisle or else climb over a seat to get into a different row and neither of those options seemed good, so we just sat there, unable to even notice what was happening on the big screen because we had our own drama unfolding right in our row.

we started saying "gross!" and "dirty old man" in loud whispers, hoping that would make him leave. it didn't. we put our legs down and tucked them under us so he wouldn't be looking at them anymore, but still he kept up his obviously pleasurable activities. we started hissing out phrases more loudly, like "that's disgusting!" or "put your nasty thing away, no one wants to see that!" it seemed as though our complaining was adding to his enjoyment and before too long, his head was thrown back and his pace increased until it was finally over. then he looked straight at us and grinned, adjusted his pants and left.

we were very relieved when he left. the movie had climaxed along with the man and we were just waiting for it to be finished so we could go out & shriek about what we'd just seen. unfortunately, that's when a different man came in & sat in the same seat that had just been vacated by the first perv. we could hardly believe our eyes when he sat right down, and whipped out his meat wrench with no hesitation or warning and started petting it.

this guy looked nothing like the first guy. they were at least 30 years apart in age, different races and dressed in such a way that they appeared to be from very different socio-economic groups. we couldn't figure out how it could happen once during our movie watching experience, but twice was just too much to comprehend.

we'd had more than enough by then & we started talking loudly & guesturing toward him to try to draw the attention of the others in the theatre. it worked and he didn't stay long before he buttoned up & skeedaddled out of there.

once the movie was over, we carefully stepped over the puddle on the floor in front of the dirty dude's seat & raced out to our car, terrified that we'd be followed. we made it home safely, but were left with a story we can never forget.

28 comments:

  1. Oh my! I'm not really sure what to say to that. Now, I'd laugh. Back at 21, I'd be so embarrassed.

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  2. Holy gross batman! I would say I can't believe that happened to you, but at this point, I am not sure there is much that hasn't happened to you. LOL

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  3. That was you?
    JUST KIDDING!!!
    Maybe it was the guy's son.
    In any case, I'm not going to THAT theater.
    Amazing what Susan Sarandon can do to some people. Or maybe it was Sean Penn...?

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  4. That movie seriously traumatized me - I had nightmares about it for months. And that was without being subjected to real-life perverts while watching it! So nasty.

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  5. eva & ruth, we probably should have freaked out more than we did. i'm not too sure why we didn't start hopping seats & report him to mgmt. young & stupid i guess.
    melissa, you've known & read me for long enough now that it shouldn't surprise you one bit that crazy things happen to me!
    al, i knew you were a dirty old man before & now you've confirmed it. creeper! and i don't think it would have been genetically possible for them to be father & son. maybe they belonged to a club. the theatre whacker club.
    ixy, i really don't even know what the movie was about. i've thought about re-watching it, but i'm a little concerned that i'll have flashbacks, so i've avoided it.

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  6. gross! You know Sherilin, our 21 year old selves would never say anything, but our near-40 selves would be all over that sh*t.

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  7. shamefull act of arogance! knowing he would not be caught! pig. gross. and i agree with karen ...it would have had me frozen to my chair with fear.

    melissa at mia bella vintage........it is not letting me sign in as me....

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  8. karen, you are so right about that! and we wouldn't be nice about it either. i'm sure we'd have some snappy comment about his inadequate package. then again, they don't do it around women our age cuz first of all, our legs aren't those of a 21 yr old & second, we're wise enough now to shut that crap down before the happy ending.

    melissa, i got slightly nervous for a moment when i saw i had an anonymous comment on this post. i was sure it would going to be something rotten. i'm so glad it was you!

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  9. Wow. I didn't think stuff like that happened in real life! The male species takes another hit!

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  10. hey girl! Guess I deleted too many...your blog is awesome and does NOT bore me. I'm back in the saddle..lol!

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  11. With every unnatural act, you get a Jumbo tub of popcorn!!!

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  12. While I can't say that I'd do the same thing as your admirer, it had to be more entertaining than that movie.

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  13. *jaw dropped* Shock. I. Am. Shocked.

    See, now at this age I wonder if those men had wives at home while they're acting like perverted pieces of...well, you get the picture.

    I'm so grossed out right now. How disgusting. Ewy. Very, very Ewy.

    BTW-I'm now happily following your blog! I'm so glad you stopped by! Just looking at those who have commented--you are so right, we have the same friends! :)

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  14. Bleccchhhh! I wondered why the floors of theaters are always so sticky. Ewww. Guess now I'll be sneaking a can of Lysol into the theaters alongside my candy.

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  15. Holy Crap! I would have freaked out had that happened to me!!!

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  16. Oh this is just beyond gross! And the fact that a second guy came and sat in the same chair...eww!

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  17. Oh my gosh, I can't imagine how icky that would have been. TWICE?????

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  18. That is CRAZY! I can't imagine that happening twice in one movie - I wonder if secretly that theater was a sketch hang-out or something!

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  19. Holy hell! TWICE?! You guys must have been really hot.

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  20. Oh, no, freaking dirty man! I remember being at a drug store once when I was little and there was a man in an aisle that took his thing out to show me. I know. WTF?

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  21. Argghhhhh, I'm stabbing my eyes out with a fork. I am never going into a theater again. EVER

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  22. Good Lord! I don't even know what to say about this story...except that "meat wrench" made me laugh out loud.

    I'm glad you both were all right and that the parade of pervs didn't follow you home...

    :-) Anna

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  23. Ew!! That is so appalling!
    Weirdos are everywhere...

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  24. You are freaking kidding me. I totally believe you, yet cannot ever imagine that actually happening...and twice! What the fuck? Those guys had to have been on this together. ...I am not scared for my girls.

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  25. You sure you weren't at a screening on Last Manhood Standing?

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don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!