Wednesday, November 9, 2011

there comes a time in everyone's life

sometimes when i write my facebook status, i like to put some thought into it. figure out a way to use words for the optimum punch. other times i go through a dry spell where the best i can come up with is, "went to the library" or "cheese is my friend."

last night i was feeling the need to status update and i was wracking my brain for a good one. i kept hearing the line "there comes a time in every woman's life when she..." but i couldn't come up with a good ending. so i decided to throw it out there like bait and just see if anyone else could come up with a great suggestion or wisdom or humor. of course it didn't take long before i got a bite. and then a couple of my girl friends copied it to their own status and got some great bites of their own.

here are some of the gems that i've peeled off the statuses i've seen where people contributed their wit and wisdom. there comes a time in every woman's life when she...

"realizes her body composition is literally 42% sharp cheddar cheese. Oh, wait, that's just me....."
hmm, that slicer looks disturbingly like that thing i used to slice up my feet.

"takes off her bra, lets the boobs drop, and has a little 'o' right there, standing in the living room."

"Realizes she should have used wrinkle cream BEFORE the wrinkles appeared."

"Prefers pants with an elastic waist."

"renounces perfection in favor of joy"

"wishes she was a man"

"looks at the guy next to her and says, "I married that!?" (this from our very own al penwasser)

and my very favorite of the night was actually the first one that arrived on the scene. my fantabulous friend rachel who never fails to make me laugh said, "throws away her crotchless panties."

in following with a couple of the other posts i've written that stemmed from something on facebook, like "if we woke up in jail" or "how did we meet, but make it a lie" i'd love to see what delightful suggestions my lovely and unerringly funny blog friends can come up with.

"there comes a time in every woman(or man)'s life when s/he..."


  1. ...realizes all the stupid people are in charge.

  2. very funny, and I have nothing witty to say........

  3. when she can stop carrying spare tampons in every pocketbook she owns. Thank de lawd!

  4. When she looks up at that cute dress in her wardrobe which she has never worn because it is still one size smaller, and she feels a lil guilty pangs in her heart as she has not lost enough weight to fit into it even after a year.

  5. ..when she faces the fact that it's time to invest in Depends.

  6. It was a GREAT status update. Rest assured that, if you do another one, I'll be reading. And throwing my hideous two cents in. Isn't it great how our two social media lives intermingle like in Ghostbusters or when standing next to someone at the urinal trough (those things exist, although when I use them, sometimes Little Al retreats into my body like a turtle)?
    thanks for the mention,
    Fellow Friend of Cheese

  7. ...can no longer blame her muffin top on childbirth. Both of my daughters are now in college so I imagine that time is coming for me pretty soon.

  8. Oh my gosh, the one about the man you married is GOLD!

  9. I loved all of these proposed ideas haha, they're all awesome. I hate that feeling of wanting to say something witty in an update but not being able to think of what to say that would get liked, it's a tough thing to deal with! Nice post, made me laugh.

  10. ruth, it does seem that way sometimes, doesn't it?
    melissa, i feel ya. i think i used up all my good writing juices in karen's comment section the other day.
    laughingmom, i've traded my tampons for my all-powerful diva cup. you should try it if you haven't already...
    runaway bride, so true. i've given up buying hopeful clothing & only purchase things that my fat ass can wear now. it's less sad that way.
    eva, that's a sad truth, but a fate that i knew would eventually befall me at some point in life. freakin bladder.
    al, how is it that you manage to mention something from that region of your body in almost every comment? i'm giving you a challenge ~ you now need to work your elbows into your comments at least of often as you mention little al.
    nari, i recently concluded that i couldn't blame my daughter for my fatness as she's currently 9 yrs old. but from what you're saying, i've got a few more good years of child blame yet. excellent!
    JM, here here! cheese eaters unite!
    shalyn, mr penwasser is chock full of good ones, isn't he?
    yeamie, it's hard to be witty all the time, isn't it?

  11. I'm pretty sure my body is at least 42% (if not more) sharp cheddar cheese. Me and cheese...we're like peas and carrots.

    Okay, how about "there comes a time in every woman's life where she finally starts to feel a slight bit of shame when she realizes she's a 42-year old woman addicted to shows like 90210 and Keeping Up with the Kardashians".

  12. yeah, I saw that hilarious thong sentence finisher. All your suggestions were quite funny.

  13. Haha!! This made me LOL!! I never get funny comments like this on my Facebook.

  14. When once I looked at Little Al
    my friend, my buddy, my little pal.
    My hands were chafed, but not my elbow.
    But, could it reach-oh, my, hell no!

    How's that? It was quick (like......uh.....well, you know).

  15. Okay, okay....funny story. All right, it hurt like hell, but I was laughing AND groaning at the same time. I was burning some wood in the backyard this afternoon (NOT a euphemism). In the process, I was snapping pieces of branch to toss them into the fire ring. I got a little carried away with one. Well, wouldn't you know, one end of the branch snapped and scored a DIRECT hit on one of the "twins" (Little Al remained unharmed). It knocked the breath out of me and I dropped to my knee. But, I was laughing through my tears because I'm sure it looked hilarious.
    I mean....I hit my elbow with a piece of wood. Yeah, that's it.

  16. you, al, are incorrigible. you and your elbow!
    "Definition of INCORRIGIBLE
    : incapable of being corrected or amended: as a (1): not reformable : depraved (2): delinquent b: not manageable : unruly"

  17. One of my nuns wrote on my report card-my report card!-that I had a "scatological" sense of humor.
    I looked it up. One of the definitions said that scatological pertained to "excrement." No shit.
    What the-?
    I was so mad, I punched her right in the ovaries. A 4th grader, I was the right height (okay, still am). That, and Sister Caligula (probably not her real name) was pretty tall.
    Bottom line, I'll take "incorrigible" any time.

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