Monday, November 21, 2011

making the most of my assets

we all have things about us that we know others appreciate, right? if you've got great eyes, you play them up with makeup and flutter your eyelashes to get out of trouble. or if you've got a phenomenal ass, you swing it as you walk away if you know someone's likely to be watching. we like to be appreciated and noticed and if we can get our body to work for us, that's an added bonus.

for myself, i realized that my boobs were going to be one of my hottest assets when i was still pretty young. i believe i was 13 when i was walking down a city street with my mom; a group of teenage boys was walking toward us. as they got right up to us, they were staring at me and snickering amongst themselves when one of them said loudly, "hot damn! nice tits!" we were both dumbfounded and i'm sure i broke out in hives to have my in-coming lady lumps mentioned so brashly right in front of my mother. it was scandalous and empowering all at the same time.

as i got older, i used to occasionally cross my arms below my bust to make the most of my cleavage when i wanted something from a male who looked like he might be susceptible to my "charms." i got out of speeding tickets and i often got free services like oil changes on my car or food in restaurants.

but i haven't always treated my twins very well. for example, when i was, well, let's just say i was still young enough to be playing with markers. i really wanted a bikini, but i wasn't allowed to buy one because my parents were really conservative. so i drew one on my skin with my markers. and they weren't washable. the first two colors i used ran out partway through coloring my bikini, so there were stupid areas where the color was thin and then abruptly changed to a different color. it wasn't pretty. it didn't look like a bikini. but it sure lasted for a long time. good thing it was winter and i'd made it strapless so that i didn't get caught with my marker bikini peeking around the edges of my clothing.

and then there was my wedding dress. it looked good, but not a feasible choice for wearing with a supportive bra. there's never been a time when i've found a strapless bra that actually held the girls up without squeezing things far too tightly. so what's a girl to do when she needs her boobs to look sexy but can't wear a bra? she buys one of those sticker sets. you ladies know what i'm talking about. they're supposed to stick firmly to your skin on the under side of the hoot and pull up on the sides so that it's stuck in place until such time as you peel that wonder sticker off. i got them in place and realized that it wasn't quite working as planned, but since it was nearly wedding time, i had to figure something out.  i ripped open the spare pack that i'd purchased and positioned the second set of stickers on top of the first, attempting to wrangle the boobs into an acceptable non-tubeish shape while keeping them elevated. i had to trim off some of the sticker bits that were showing out around my arm pit and cleavage regions, but it was a "make it work" moment.

it did work and i made it through the ceremony with my tits in proper position. only later that night when i got to the honeymoon suite did i realize just how unattractive they looked in my double sticker bra. there was no way i was going to let the man see them wrapped, taped and mangled, so i pulled one of those, "i'm going into the bathroom to change into something more comfortable" lines and went slinking off to unwrap my chest in private. unfortunately, when i peeled off the stickers, the adhesive disagreed with my skin and left me with bunches of juicy blisters all across my boobies. i didn't realize just how bad it was until shortly thereafter when the brand spanking new husband ran his hand across one and jerked it back with a look of disgust because a blister had popped and squirted juicy juice onto him.

since then i've managed to take better care of my assets most of the time. and now and then i still imagine that i might be able to use the girls to my advantage if i needed to get out of a scrape.

28 comments:

  1. You're just full of these stories. What a life, LOL!

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  2. As a huge fan of boobies, I think your handling (excuse the pun) of your 'puppies' has been appalling!

    Think yourself lucky they ain't fallen off!
    (might need photographic evidence of their existence)

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  3. Great post as always, I can't believe the marker story, I mean what were you thinking!? At least it eventually wore off!

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  4. You must have a spectacular rack! I have a solution for the strapless thing. A bustier. I have never been able to wear strapless until now.

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  5. I loved this story! You are too funny!

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  6. Great stories! I can relate to the lack of a strapless feeling...mine are hard to wrangle as well. Love the marker story - reminds me of my daughter. I gave her markers and warned her not to get them on her clothes (she was around 2) - so she colored both arms right up to her sleeves.

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  7. I totally relate. Life with tits is a good life but challenging. I didn't realize until I saw my wedding photos how much cleavage I showed. I'm thankful for my girls.

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  8. They have boob tape? Does it come in different colors like duct tape?

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  9. OMG....girl, I spent my lunch break reading my way partially through your blog, and you are a HOOT! (No pun intended, given this thread's topic.)

    I cannot wait until my next break to read MORE! Jules MUST follow! :) (And I DID double check to make sure there were no mentions of relatives, dogs, friends passing before posting this.)

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  10. Just when I think you've run out of stories you pull out a juicy boob blister on honeymoon night. I do love you so. :)

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  11. LOVE the marker bra. Also, I'm so pleased someone has tried the sticker bra, because I'd always wondered if those things actually worked. Hey, I heard that super models duct tape their hoots into place all the time. I can't imagine this being too hard because mostly they're so emaciated they don't have much hootage to deal with.

    Only you would get boobie blisters on her wedding day.

    p.s. strapless bras ARE horrid.

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  12. i try to avoid inflicting any more abuse on my teets than the wearing of a simple fat girl bra these days. no more tittie tape for me.
    george, the only ones i've seen come in the bandaid color. you know, to try to match the white girls.
    and my friends, you should know by now that there seems to be no end to the crazy stories i can regurgitate to share with you and shame myself. oh wait, i clearly have no shame.
    i never thought to try a bustier. looking at them on hangers, i feel like i can't even take a deep breath, but maybe they're more comfortable than they look.

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  13. Only you can talk about boobs and make it funny.-- Markers, eh?? See, you were just getting a jump start on body paint... even back then.

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  14. Hopefully those guys weren't talking to your mother too.
    Duct Tape works on man boobs just as well. Except there's chest hair with which to contend.
    Tim Curry wore a bustier in "Rocky Horror." Frightening, really.

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  15. OK, I wish I had some boobage. Totally jealous over here.

    Do those sticker things hurt like a mother when you rip them off? I think they would but don't know....

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  16. one would think they'd hurt to rip off, but i have no clear recollection of pain, only of horror at the post-peeling blisters. maybe i ripped them too fast, causing the blisters.

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  17. Juicy boob blister! aaaahhAHAHAHAHAHAAHA! omg.

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  18. I hate my boobs. And mine are not as big as yours are, Sher. Since being married they are just annoying things that get in the way. Okay, other than the obvious married pleasure anyway. I know my hubs appreciates them but seriously I wish they were much smaller. I guess it's a grass is always greener thing b.c mrs. A.C. has always been envious of them and I always tell her I would trade her if I could. I hate all bras but especially strapless ones which doesn't really help the situation. I guess that's my 2 cents on the subject.

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  19. HOOTERS!!!!! I love your boobie stories. Tell 'em for those of us who wish we had them!

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  20. I had those sticker bras too. I never got blisters, but had the hardest time getting the sticky stuff off my boobs. And they didn't work anyway.

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  21. The mental images of that blister bursting...

    Ugh.... D:

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  22. Sherilin let's buy bustiers some day! Why not? We've worn every other kind of hideous undergarment. Then we truly will be WOMEN OF THE WORLD!

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  23. I've never heard of those sticky thingys that you talked about. But now that I heard it from you...I don't think I'll be trying them.
    I can just see you trying to adjust them and "the girls" before going into the ceremony.

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  24. After looking at that picture of the squirrel...
    Like him, I have nuts.
    Unlike him, I won't eat them to survive winter.

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  25. jeez woman...........you have had some nasty stories to tell........you poor thing....there is no hope for my boobs, what started out as a 34b are now double deeee droopeeees with no hope.....I am so scared to lose weight cuz those volumpuous boobs are gonnnna shrink and sag down to my knees!

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  26. Hmmm, except that you rip that bra off the second you get home! Those girls need that bra! haha... So how is that now, living with your inlaws? Still bras thrown on the tv and counter? hehe...I 'm just playing with you of course!

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  27. and it looks like I have a lot of catching up to do here. I will be back for more tomorrow!!!

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  28. Oh my, now I'm loving my boobies even more! I have been blessed with big breasts, ever since I was a teen. At first, I thought having big boobies is something to be ashamed of. But many are jealous of women with big boobs so I know that I should be thankful for them. ;]

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don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!