Friday, November 4, 2011

tipsy chickens x2


15 years ago, when chris and i were dating, i was living at my parents' house and i was working in a little office. one weekend, my parents and little sisters were out of town and chris was driving a limo, so he was out pretty much all night, which meant that i was left to my own devices that friday night.

after work was over for the day, a couple co-workers and i decided that we were going to go to tgifridays, across the parking lot for dinner and perhaps a drink or two. the tables were all full, so we sat at the bar. somehow i think i forgot to eat dinner that night and accidentally had about 5 drinks instead. i was drinking royal flushes, which i'd never had before (or after, for that matter) and they were just so fruity and delicious that i kept guzzling them and ordering more. eventually, my co-workers needed to go back to their lives, so they left me there because of course i assured them that i was absolutely fine and didn't need anyone to babysit me.

when i was finally ready to go, i tipped the bartender excessively, stumbled out of the bar, and back across the parking lot toward my office where my car was parked. on the way there, two men who were sitting in a parked car stopped me and asked if i had any tattoos. i did and showed them my body art. then they asked if i wanted a cigar, which i did, so i climbed into the back seat of that car with those two strange men and smoked a fat stogie. when i was finished, i got back out and kept heading toward my car. once i got there i realized that i really shouldn't be driving, so i managed to unlock my office door and bumble my way inside. i wasn't sure what i was going to do while i was in there, probably drunk page chris a few times or take a lil nap till i thought i was sober enough to drive my stupid ass home. i had only just tripped through the door when my boss returned to the office to check on me. i guess it had occurred to him that i probably wasn't in any state to be taking myself anywhere and he was kind enough to come back in order to taxi me home in his crappy chevette.

i got back to my parents' house; i went inside and collapsed into bed. it wasn't even dark yet, but i just couldn't stay awake. i took the phone to bed with me because i was hoping chris would eventually have time to call me back since i'd paged him repeatedly for no good reason.

around midnight i woke up sick and ran outside (it was closer than the bathroom) and puked by the back door, all over the ground and then crawled straight back into bed, still in my work clothes. around 3am i woke up again and by then i was approaching sober and noticed that the back door was wide open. i got a little bit nervous that i'd been sleeping with the house open and there was no one else home to protect my foolish self, so i snatched the phone out of my bed to try calling chris, but the phone had no dial tone. i ran upstairs and checked the kitchen phone. that one was dead too! i was suddenly positive that someone had cut the phone lines, snuck into the house, and i was in imminent danger of being raped and killed.

i ran straight out of the house to my parents' next door neighbor where i proceeded to bang and ring until the kind, little man came down in his pajamas to see what the heck was going on. (maybe i wasn't quite as sober as i thought) he came back to my house and went room by room with me, poking through every nook and cranny looking for the boogieman. we made it to my room last and that's when he discovered that my cordless phone had been left turned on in my bed, so the lines weren't cut, it was just off the hook. hence the lack of a dial tone. i felt rather stupid after that and walked him politely to the door and thanked him for saving me from my imagination.

i was able to reach chris after that, which was good because he'd been concerned that i'd paged him multiple times but when he called me back, he could only get a busy signal on the house phone.

the next morning i was feeling pretty stupid about my escapades of the previous night and i went out back to find a hose so i could clean off the patio where i'd hurled my royal flushes so indelicately, but the patio was practically spotless. where had the barf gone? that's when one of my sisters chickens came waddling over, pecking around the edges of the patio. finishing off the last scraps of my stupid evening till there was nothing left to show for it... but tipsy chickens.

18 comments:

  1. I will never ever EVER let my daughters read this particular post. Excessive drinking, exposing tatoos and smoking cigars in stange men's cars...my Mommy self shudders at the tale.

    However, yummy fruity drinks, parting with friends, cigars, and tipsy chickens...my Wild Girl self says, "Hell Yeah!"

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  2. Awesome post as always. It actually genuinely does sound like a fun night to me, although I can understand the embarrassment.

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  3. jeez you are so lucky those bad boys didnt do something to you...........and the chickens and barf? really? that is so gross.....

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  4. Just when I think you don't have any more stories you bust out with this one. Loved it! So funny!

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  5. Hahaha...I have a little dog who does the same thing. One persons crap is anothers jackpot.

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  6. nari,i know, my mommy self is horrified by my old stories too. but God was watching out for me because i have so many crazy stories of when things could have gone dreadfully wrong, but didn't. and on that wild party note, you wanna come over for shots & stogies?
    miabella, that's the part of the story that really makes me cringe. eek! i guess they weren't such bad boys afterall since they didn't take advantage of an idiotic, intoxicated ding dong.
    yeamie, i'm sorry, i'm being a bad influence on your underage self. at least i was of legal drinking age when this happened.
    melissa, the well hasn't run dry yet. you haven't known me long enough to even come close to hearing them all. ;)
    clipped, animals are so gross!

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  7. Chickens eating barf? I may never go to KY Fried again! And you, my dear, are lucky to still be alive!

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  8. If I didn't know you, I would think you made this stuff up! But I do know you, and this is exactly why I am a vegetarian!

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  9. eva, maybe this contributed to the fact that i gave up eating meat about a year later & i still don't eat it now.
    carrie, i have no gift for fiction. my tales are all unfortunately true.

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  10. This is awesome, like the drunkenness just forced itself on you without you even knowing: "somehow i think i forgot to eat dinner that night and accidentally had about 5 drinks instead"

    Disgusting and hilarious all in one - another classic post! Although really...that parking lot tattoo show makes my mommy blood run cold as mentioned by others.

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  11. Those chickens better not cross the road.
    Okay, my story. This is at the end of a day which saw me swimming in all my glory at a mobile home park swimming pool when I was stationed in Florida (this is a family blog-not really-so I won't recount THAT little escapade. Maybe eventually....).
    Anyway, long story short (too late), after I woke up in my car (the new Mrs. Penwasser drove), confused where my apartment was (because Mrs. Penwasser didn't park in our usual parking space), I walked (yeah..."walked") into my apartment and saw that the power throughout the neighborhood had gone out. For some reason, I thought this meant I had to pull every circuit breaker in the apartment. I then went to bed (NOTE: this was still only 5 P.M. Yeah, it was that kind of day). When I woke up at about 9, I groused that the power was still out so I spent the next two hours in the dark. Finally, I looked outside and saw all the lights on in the neighborhood. Then I remembered the circuit breakers were still pulled.
    The next morning I found out the power had been off for only about 20 minutes.
    Except, apparently, at Penwasser Place.
    Long story short, indeed.
    I should make this a post. And include the swimming pool.

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  12. Now that I am a mom and nearing my 40's.. I see all kinds of wrong with above picture. I hate being old!!!!!!

    Those pickled chickens....make me laugh tho!

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  13. ixy, i'm pretty sure it did sneak up on me. i had no intention of heavily imbibing that night. i guess that's what a good bartender does, makes the drinks without asking & then you feel like it's a shame to waste it, so you go ahead & throw it back.
    al, you need to just write the naked swimming pool post.
    amy, i'm concerned for my own daughter as she gets older. i made an abundance of ill-advised choices. i just hope she's a lot smarter than me!

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  14. Gross, gross and gross! OH well, a dog would have done the same only faster. Who knew chickens would?

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  15. Don't you think back on some stuff and marvel at how we've made it fairly unscathed?!

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  16. ha ha..that's pretty funny
    been there...done that....OVER IT
    way to old for that sort of thing now, as you just don't "recover" like you used to when younger.
    I am Sooooo glad you weren't raped and killed (tee,hee), because we wouldn't have these funny posts to read otherwise.

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  17. Oh no! So many bad decisions! ;) I was waiting for that story to go horribly haywire, but I"m glad it just ended in puke-eating chickens.

    My cat Patches eats her own puke all the time. Easier to clean, which is nice.

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don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!