the pms rollercoaster

i have pms today & i'm fluctuating between fury, tears & hysteria that could tip toward funny or mania at any moment. ever since i was 11 i've been ragging & dealing with the drama of hormonal flux at this time of the month & i think i'm ready to order up some menopause.

i wish we could make men understand what it's like to go through this. you seem like a pretty rational human most of the time, but once a month you go through a change that makes you turn into a freaky, irrational version of yourself that even you don't want to be around.

you wake up feeling pretty normal and then you kick your toe into the leg of the bed & stumble backwards into the dresser where you smash your butt into the corner of the top & then proceed to fall on the floor & laugh hysterically. you feel like you've broken 2 toe bones & there's a triangular shaped hole in your ass cheek that's spurting blood, but all you can do is laugh till tears pour down your face. you realize that it's not actually funny to hurt yourself, especially first thing in the morning, but then you remember that it really is funny because if you were someone else looking at you, lying on the floor w/ a bloody butt & broken toe bones and your eyes still crusted shut from sleep, you would probably want to laugh too. and then you laugh some more until you can't breathe & your family is standing around you asking why you're in fetal position on the ground in the dark, rocking & making a lot of noise, but you can't answer, you can only sputter out things like "broke butt" and "smashed toes" and when they look at you strangely it just seems funnier.

eventually you compose yourself & make it through an extra large breakfast, but then the cat starts meowing for her food & she keeps it up & keeps it up & keeps it up. you put food in her bowl & show it to her, but she keeps harassing you until you suddenly burst forth with a blood curdling scream from the pit of your guts. there are no words, just an echoing bellow. the cat races off to safer havens & then you notice your kid's face & it's staring at you again with fear & trepidation because apparently mom has been transformed into an unpredictable alien today & can't be trusted to act normally. you want that look to go away & for the kid not to be nervous around you, so you give them a bowl full of marshmallows & honey for breakfast so that they'll like you again.

you go into the bathroom to deal with lady things at some point in the day & you swear that when you sit down, you can hear a gurgle, gurgle, glug coming from below & then there's a flood where you think your innards are being ripped unceremoniously out through your vagina. you flush quickly because you might need the extra room in the bowl because you're pretty sure you're loosing about 16 lbs of slush as you sit there. then it takes about 5 wet wipes and half a roll of toilet paper to begin to feel reasonably fresh (if such a thing is possible at that stage) and you proceed to wash your hands with a brillo pad & boiling water just to make sure you're adequately sanitary again.

eventually you sit down for some book reading time with your kid because you're still trying to prove that you are a good mommy, in spite of the alien influence that you've been experiencing in spurts throughout the day. you're reading a book about a seeing eye dog puppy in training & suddenly you find yourself crying. tears are flowing & you can't even read aloud anymore because of the sadness that has gripped your heart over the broken hearted child in the book who has to give her puppy away after the first year of training has come to completion. how can anything be more sad in this cruel, cruel world?!

you can't proceed with the book, so you flip on the tv for something funny to brighten your spirits. you come across the "fresh prince of belaire" and feel pretty good because it's just starting and you won't miss anything. you sing along with the intro, getting your groove back & feeling a little cool because you still remember all the words. you're smiling & your heart gets lighter for a few minutes. then will's dad leaves him to go out on the road & lets him down once again and you feel the water works start back up. you sniffle & try to hold back the tears as you gaze into will smith's child-like face as he watches his dad leave. how could anyone be so mean to him? why oh why would a parent ever leave their child? you hug your kid close & snuffle into their neck a little bit & whisper that you'll never leave them, not for anything.

then a commercial comes on & it's for charmin toilet paper & it's those chubby cartoon bears. just looking at the way the mother bear monitors & assists with her baby bears bathroom habits & teaches them that less is more when you have good toilet tissue in hand is like balm to your soul. your tears transform from tears of sorrow to tears of joy because you're remembering when your own little one was so small & adorable with their little chunky butt. when they smiled at you like you were the sun and the moon and thought you knew all things. and then you move back into the sorrow again because you feel your kid pulling away from you as you blow snot bubbles into their hair. that kid's not a baby anymore, it's a medium sized person now who's pretty sure you don't know very much at all. and before long they won't need you and they'll leave home & get married and have sex, and that's just more than you can bear.

you stumble clumsily back into the bathroom for some privacy & to give yourself some time to recuperate from all the chaos inside you. you have a repeat from the last bathroom trip, only this time you realize that you're out of tampons and pads. and you need one really, really bad. so you decide to stick half a roll of toilet paper into your underwear to serve as a blood buffer between yourself & the world & then walk out bow-legged. you go to the store, still with the toilet paper roll in your pants and when someone looks at you oddly because your pants are lumpy & you're walking like you've got a load, you start laughing hysterically. uncontrollable laughter that has you doubled up over the orange juice cooler with your legs crossed and drool hanging from your mouth.

you make it to the register but realize that you left your debit card in your pants from yesterday. you've got a little cash in the bottom of your purse, so you dig around frantically for a couple minutes while the people behind you start making huffing sounds and talking about you amongst themselves. you start crying again when you give up digging and you're still $1.04 short of your total & you ask the cashier if you can open the box & just take out a couple tampons to buy individually. he calls over a manager on the loud speaker & the manager is a man too. he eyeballs you nervously as he walks over. you ask him weepily if you can please just buy a couple tampons from the box because you don't have enough money & because you can't very well go on with your life with a roll of toilet paper in your underwear because as it turns out, it's not nearly as absorbent as that charmin commercial advertised. the people in line are mumbling more loudly & the manager and 17 yr old cashier look at you like you've gone completely mad, so the mgr rips open the box himself & hands you a handful of the things and tells you it'll be no charge and tries to usher you quickly to the door. you're so relieved that you could cry tears of joy, so you want to hug him, but as you go in for the embrace, he backs away, looking terrified like you have leprosy and aids and ebola and more than a little dose of crazy.

so you take your courtesy tampons & vacate the premises quickly and head back home for another round on the pms roller coaster.