secretly, i wish i could...

tonight, the house is quiet. on the days when i clean a big, exhausting house, chris has been kind enough lately to take brooke out for a couple hours after dinner when he's not working so that i can have some peace & quiet to recuperate. usually i like to lie on the couch or read a book or play a stupid computer game, but tonight, i got the urge to have some rum for dinner. i'm not a drinker, let alone a solitary drinker, but i just remembered that we had a bottle of rum that has been in the laundry closet for a couple years, so i thought i'd get it out & indulge a wee bit. and then i thought i'd write a post about the things that i secretly want to do. well, after this i guess it won't be a secret anymore, but previously it was a secret, so we'll just go with it.

I WISH - that i could play the drums. and not just fiddle around on them when no one's watching, but seriously pound out a huge drum solo in the middle of a large group of people & just shock the hell out of everyone. i have no rhythm & can't even clap on beat, so this isn't likely to ever happen, but that's not really the point here, now is it?

I WISH - i was a respected photographer. i wish that i could have a gallery show of my gorgeous, controversial photos that made people think and wonder and discuss amongst themselves while i watched from behind a 2 way mirror (doesn't every gallery have one of those?) so i could observe their honest reactions. and i don't want to photograph scenery so much, mostly human subjects. i'd like to be able to find that hidden thing that's a few layers below the surface & catch it on film.

I WISH - i was the kind of woman who wore heels all the time, even when i'm alone. i would even like to wear those fluffy bunny slippers with little kitten heels. i have a fascination with shoes, but my body fights against me when i try to wear the ones that look all cute.

I WISH - i could flip the bird at any person who annoyed me. whether it be at the grocery store or in traffic or to my own family members, i just wish that i could silently fly that finger at the first sign of piss-off-y-ness while giving that offending person the hairy eyeball. i wish i didn't feel like i should be so freakin polite anymore.

I WISH - that i could write a book. i don't have a selected topic or theme, just something that would be gritty & funny & make people say that i was spicy and amusing.

I WISH - that i had the nerve or the body type to be able to go bra-less all the time. i truly envy those friends of mine who can wear strapless tops and not have to agonize over how to get a strapless bra that does the job it was meant to do without cutting off any circulation, but they can just say "to heck with it" and go boobies free. alas...

I WISH - i lived in a clean house. i wish that i had the motivation to clean it myself or the money to hire someone. i wish that i didn't live amongst a heap of clutter all the time & yet constantly feel the need to justify or explain or apologize if someone sees the pit we live in.

I WISH - i was young enough and thin enough to go on america's next top model and show those hootchies how it's done. i actually took modeling and acting classes back in the days before i met chris because i wanted to be a runway model.

I WISH - that i could go to a rain forest in borneo and save orangutans. i love their silky red hair & want to be a surrogate monkey mother & carry multiple babies around on my body while going about my tasks like washing my laundry on rocks in the river & hoping i don't get chomped by crocodiles.

I WISH - i could make a massive graffiti masterpiece on the side of a building with lots of bright colors and wacky letters that can hardly be read by the average person. i also like writing on tables, benches and walls, but i gave that up after my days at summer camp where i wrote my name on every surface i could find.

I WISH - i could go sky diving. or at least bungee jumping off something that was really, really high. i love the feeling of sheer terror right before doing something really scary & right after it's done, knowing that you did something that was almost too much to handle. the adrenaline high is fantastic! i'm too responsible for such things at this stage, but i wish i'd done it before i was a mom while i could still be free to push myself into calculated, but dangerous places.

I WISH - i had a harley. i have an inner biker babe that's just dying to come out. bring on the leather chaps & helmet hair!

I WISH- that one day, i could be driving along a highway, minding my own business & as i approached a runaway truck ramp, i could put the pedal to the medal & bash my way straight up that crazy ramp & see how far i could make it. i wish that i could do it while i had other people in the car & not ever say a word. just smash my way into it & then calmly, back out & proceed on my merry way like nothing had happened.