there used to be a time when i felt like i was a foxy lil number. when i drove down the highway & truckers honked & made rude gestures. men at gas stations harassed me and i had a fake name & number readily available in my brain to give out to the losers i didn't actually want calling me. i really felt like i was hot stuff.
this was before brooke came along. i gained a bunch of weight before & during pregnancy & afterwards, i never managed to lose it again. it never seemed like it mattered at the beginning because people expect new moms to be chubby. they choose to appreciate those voluptuous nursing boobs & ignore the jiggly belly below. well, i stopped nursing 7 years ago, but that jiggly belly is still hanging around & i can't very well blame it on the baby anymore. i realized that even my rack leaves something to be desired when brooke went through a brief phase where she wanted to draw naked women to make other people laugh & she drew long droopy tits with the nipples waaaaaay down low on the boobs. oh dear. she might be surprised when her own grow in & they look very different than what she's seen up to this point.
if i'm driving down the road now & a trucker honks nearby, i involuntarily swerve & look around, trying to figure out what i just did wrong that pissed him off. it doesn't even occur to me that he might be checking me out.
yesterday at walmart, brooke was hip hopping around the aisle as i tried to find just the right bottle of toilet bowl cleaner & a man near me started a conversation about how kids brooke's age are fun but eventually they turn 16 & it's all downhill from there. he recommended that i go ahead & get a gun now & use her naughty future boyfriends for target practice. when i managed to move on, brooke asked, "why was that guy talking to you?" um... once upon a time, i would have said it was cuz he thought i was cute, but now my first instinct doesn't take me there. now i figure it's because brooke's cute.
today i went to a little local beach with brooke & i was walking around with her, in and out of the water. a couple times i walked past a man who grinned at me. the first time i just felt confused as to why anyone would even look at me in a bathing suit rather than rapidly turn away like i do if i catch a glimpse of myself wearing a bathing suit as i pass a mirror. but the second time when he did the same thing i started getting paranoid. i checked to make sure that i hadn't inadvertently flopped out a nipple. nope, nips are in. so... oh crap, better check to be sure the tampon string isn't blowing in the breeze. hmmm, how to go about that discreetly on a public beach. i managed to drape myself w/ a towel & check things out & i think i was in the clear, but i was still oddly disconcerted that the guy smiled at me.
my whole mindset has changed as i've plumped and aged. it doesn't even cross my mind that a man might smile at me for complimentary reasons anymore. i mean, i know it happens occasionally because once in a while a guy is really blatant about it like about a year ago when i was at a karaoke bar with friends & i got an uninvited lap dance from some guy while he sang badly. but for the most part, if a man smiles at me, i think the chances are greater that i've got a dangling booger than that he'd like to get my number. i have an awesome husband who always makes me feel really good about myself.... but,once in a while, i kind of miss the old days.