Friday, October 15, 2010

my boob is not an arm rest

sometimes i think about the stupid crap that my family & i say on a regular basis that seems perfectly normal to us. and once in a while we say it in front of other people who look at us oddly as if we've got some loose screws. to me it seems completely commonplace to call my 8 yr old over to me on a playground & tell her to stop barking & growling so ferociously at the small children because she's scaring them. i remind her to use her proper doggy manners that she learned at obedience school while she's in public.

there are quite a few admonitions that are spoken around here on a regular basis, such as -

"you can come over here, but you better not buffalo kick me again!"

"you just smashed my boob flat AGAIN! my boobs aren't the first step in your ladder!"

"my boob is not an arm rest." the following & inevitable retort, "my arm is not a boob rest."

"sorry, you can't wear your standing up ears out today. not your lying down ones either.... because you howl too much when you wear them!"

"get your freakin butt out of my face! great, now i've got hair stuck to my lipgloss!"

"leave her alone while she poops! hey, don't slap her when she's in the bathroom, it's just plain rude!"

"that suet is for the wildlife. stop eating it. and since when did you decide you like to eat bird seed?"
"get your pile of bowling pin/water bottles out of here!"

"get your bra out of the kitchen! do you want me to start dropping my underwear on the kitchen floor when i walk in the house?"

"you can not come in, i'm on the toilet! no, not even for a second! not even to show me something. go away!"

"why do you sneak in here to poop while i'm the shower?! you ruin my perfectly nice, clean relaxing spa-ish time by funking it up with your big dirty dump. there's a toilet downstairs, have some dignity for God's sake!"

"get away from my boobs. i don't care if you came out of my body & used me as a feed bag. the jugs don't belong to you."

what are some of the wacky things spouted routinely at your house?


  1. LMAO! The Shower thing happens to me all the time!

  2. I can relate to the bathroom ones!

  3. "She swiped my napkin right off my lap!"
    "Hair, hair, hair. I could drown in the hair."
    "Why is there a polar bear in the freezer?"

  4. Can't forget this one:
    "Oh, THAT? It's just our dogasaurus."

  5. hahaha! i know why there's a polar bear in your freezer! and i love your dogasaurus!

  6. this is hilarious. I also often complain about the "poop sauna" my husband creates when I'm showering. It's like - really? you just now felt the urge when I hopped into the shower, really?!

    "The foggy fog..." is a good one, referring to my husband after a few beers, when he isn't drunk but can't quite focus on whatever I'm rambling on about.


don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!