Friday, October 29, 2010

no thanks, i'm good

today i got confirmation for a trip that i'll be making soon. brooke & i will be flying and it will be her first time on a plane.

all this thinking about flying has brought to mind my last trip by air...

it was 5 years ago and i was headed from nc to ny which isn't a very long flight direct, but i had to make some little hops along the way, so i actually flew on three different planes. on the third leg of the trip, i boarded alone and was greeted by an attractive male flight attendant. he told me that i was the only passenger on the hour long flight, so i could pick any seat i wanted. that seemed pretty odd, but it only added to my sense of adventure.

i chose to sit in the front seat. i strapped my belt on, pulled out my book & settled in. the friendly flight attendant sat down across the aisle from me & started making small talk. he told me about how he likes getting to meet lots of people & seeing all different parts of the u.s. he grew up in a religious family in a small town & then started flying directly out of college, traveling for the first time in his life.

i told him that i had a three year old daughter and was married to a pastor. i was getting a much needed break from life and looking forward to a few days of eating great food, smoking while not hiding behind a trash can & lots of girl talk.

we were having some fun, joking around; i kicked my sock foot up onto the wall in front of me in complete disregard for proper flight etiquette. i was feeling happy & relaxed and glad to be away. there was something about this trip that was helping me feel like i could take a deep breath & remember who i was again. sometimes as a mom, i can get so caught up in the everyday busyness and setting the right example for my kid that i forget pieces of myself along the way. i felt like those pieces of myself were reappearing. like they hadn't been lost, just buried under layers of my current version of life.

there was a companionable silence for a few minutes & i thought i'd read for the rest of the trip. then the flight attendant says to me,

"i have a lot of sex."

i stared blankly at him, pretty sure something must be misfiring in my head because people don't just randomly say stuff like that out loud.

"i had a serious girlfriend until i started flying, but once i got flying, i couldn't be loyal to her anymore. i had to have sex with a lot of different women. mostly strangers who i meet in the towns when i'm just there for a night or two."

maybe since i'd told me about my husband being a pastor (he's not anymore) he was feeling the need to confess his sins. to lighten the load in his heart by telling a kind stranger about his transgressions. should i ask him if he wants me to pray with him? tell him that God forgives anyone who comes to Him with an open heart? is my mouth hanging open? don't act shocked, act like you hear this kind of thing all the time. stay cool.

"i can get busy pretty much anywhere now. just drop trow and go at it."

ok, that doesn't sound like confession. that sounds like bragging. i should probably say something in response, but i haven't the foggiest idea what.... think, think, think.

"since we're the only ones here... do you want to?"

"do i ... want to... what?"

 this cannot be happening. i think i hear twilight zone music. where's the candid camera crew?

"do you want to have sex. here. now."

blank... think of something appropriate to say! don't just sit here with your foot on the wall clutching your paperback to your chest with your jaw drooping stupidly. didn't he just hear me say that i'm a married woman? that i'm a pastor's wife? dang, i'm fat these days & he wants a piece of this? wow, that's actually flattering. wait! NO, that's not flattering! he just told me he'll bang anything. he has no standards and, and, and, EEW!

"no thanks, i'm good."


  1. Oh, MY! Had that happen to me in a book store once, but I had an exit! What if he had said, "Put out or Fly!" LOL

  2. thankfully he didn't seem threatening. just like an opportunist. like, maybe if he propositions every woman he meets, some of them will say yes. it was a bit awkward after that.

  3. Okay, so I was completely thrilled with the prospect of being the only person on an airplane. I was NOT expecting you to go in THAT direction! But this was just the laugh I needed after being immersed in classic literature since 10:00 this morning. Wow...

  4. LOL LOL LOL...... Thanks Sherilin... that was a great laugh!

  5. did you board that big purple plane with the 22 foot rims and the fuzzy dice...was snoop dog your pilot?

  6. kipp, that's hilarious! the fuzzy dice should have tipped me off... and the leopard print seat covers. and condom dispensers beside the windows.

  7. That is too funny!!! I needed that laugh. Thanks for sharing what now, I'm sure is a funny moment to you too. Have a good time on your trip.

  8. Ewww!!! That's about as forward as someone could get!

  9. *loud scream* That is so nuts!!!! hahahahahaha!!! (This isn't a dream, right...this really happened??) Bahahaha!

  10. Oh my gosh, that is pretty hysterical.
    I can't imagine what I'd say to something like that.
    I'd probably start laughing out loud.

    (um, was he cute??)

  11. OMG! What an experience! You must have been beside yourself. I think I would have laughed in his face!

  12. Wow, I think I would have had the same reaction. That guy had gall.


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