Monday, October 11, 2010

hobos and wastards

i seem to have grown a serious case of the clumsies lately. i bang myself into things, knock stuff down & generally conduct myself like a blind woman. i was at a touristy snack bar last weekend & while trying to fill a drink for myself, i managed to spill water all over my hands & arms & then when i was attempting to correct that little issue, i sprayed pepsi all onto brooke's arms, the counter & the floor and most of my exposed skin. i was spinning in circles trying to figure out how to stop splashing fluids about & semi clean up after myself. i couldn't find any napkins and the bathroom was blockaded, so i just left & walked around the park like an icky little kid w/ sticky hands & dirty brown smudges on my arms.

i also managed to knock over a burning candle a few nights ago & in my panic to catch it in order to prevent a house fire i managed to spin it in midair, causing a couple inches of melted wax to fly around the room. on a good note, the flying wax put out the flame, but on a bad note, i've spent 3 hrs so far on my hands & knees, bonding with my floor, trying to get all the wax out of the carpet, off the tv & stack of dvds, toys, blankets & chair. and i still haven't been able to face the big gross mess that is the clothes i was wearing when wax-gate went down in my living room that fateful night. i'm thinking about just throwing them away.

around here there seem to be some little "monsters" that we like to joke about & place blame onto when things happen. like bob the hobo who lives in brooke's pillow & dances in her hair when she's sleeping, causing tangles & torment. he also has a girlfriend named bibby who lives in the hoods of all children's clothing. they do the cha-cha while whistling the chicken dance song & scattering knots everywhere they go.

there's also the knee weasel who only comes out to play during meals when we're all sitting around a table enjoying our life-giving sustenance. he's harmless, basically, & just tickles people's knees. we rather like the knee weasel.

we have foot pigs who only tickle feet & they mostly strike while people are sleeping or just about to fall asleep. these foot pigs are much less beloved by our family members than the knee weasel.

then there's a cheerio gremlin who scatters cheerios about the house, hither & yon, with no regard for the feelings of our feet. this tricky little fella has no pattern or predictability & is liable to traipse through any room of the house leaving droppings in his wake.

there's a monsle, (which is a cross between a monster & a weasel) who lives under our bed & occasionally under the couch. it likes to dive out & bite our feet when we walk past. it's a furry beast with pointy teeth & sharp claws which it applies liberally to any object that invades its domain.

and last, but not least, we have the "wastard", but that's more of a floating term that can apply to anyone or anything that seems vaguely sneaky & annoys us. (this is a tricky way of calling someone a bastard without being bad parents.) it's sort of like a cross between a weasel & a bastard (hmm, i seem to have a weasel theme going here...) and it usually is directed toward things like grocery carts that bang into our car or cats who try to escape the imprisonment of our home, maybe toys that get crunched under our feet in the dark or payroll people who "forget" to put bonuses into checks in a timely fashion.

now that i've gotten the clumsies, i think i need a new monster to blame it on. any suggestions?


  1. lol i love this! well not that you are being clumsy and all but that you have monsters. my monsters names are vincent, jordan and bryan lol!!! oh and ollie, delilah and dexter (dogs) too! i also am a clumsy one. i am more attracted to a wall than i am a person... i have wall magnets that were implanted in my body by the aliens who abducted me years ago (while i was married, they talked me into it!). as for the candle wax, put paper towels over them and plug your iron in, iron it until all the wax is soaked into the paper towel... that will get it all out of the carpet, should get it out of your clothes too. as you can tell, i have done this. only mine didnt fly... it just melted off the top of my tv... onto the tv, the movies, the carpet and the whole time a flame was moving right down with it all! my stepdaughter at the time was going oh fire! and giggling! lol (she was 2)

  2. You need to see a doctor. Middle ear!!! I am stilling the word Wastard! Too cool!

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