Wednesday, November 16, 2011

if you need anything...


you know how people like to say, "if you need anything, let me know"? and they always say it with a gentle smile, perhaps with a compassionate nod of the head. they sound like they mean it, but do you think they really do? and does anyone ever take someone up on one of those open ended offers of help?

i would like to propose that we start making specific requests whenever someone is kind enough to make one of those statements. we should make our needs known to our kind hearted well wishers.

next time you're at church and a polite lady with a southern accent asks how you're doing, tell the truth. tell her that you've been feeling pretty crummy lately and more tired than you usually admit. tell her that the bags under your eyes look like football makeup, but thank the kind Lord for some concealer so you can show your face in public. she'll likely pat your hand and say something like, "if there's anything i can do to help, you just let me know." generally we'd thank her and go on our cranky way, but not this time. the truth has started flowing and we're on a new path now.

this time you need to say, "well, since you asked.... i sure could use some help with the kids. is there a time next week when you might be able to keep them? what days are good for you?" or perhaps you don't have kids. so instead you might say, "i sure do hate grocery shopping and since you offered, would you mind picking some things up for me? here's my list and i don't like generics."

next time you walk into a store and an artificially perky sales associate greets you and asks if she can help you with anything, the answer is yes. you should pick out an armload of stuff that looks like it might be good, preferably in at least 2 sizes each because you need to be prepared. she'll help you carry it. she offered, right? then i think you should invite her into the dressing room with you. it's always great to get a second opinion, plus since she's available, you should have her hang up all your rejects and return them to the proper racks.



when you're at the bank, making a deposit or withdrawal, the teller always ends it with, "is there anything else i can do for you today?" i think that's the right time to turn your back to him and point to that pesky spot between your shoulder blades and tell him about the itch you just can't seem to reach. you might clumsily demonstrate with the chained down counter pen how you can't ever seem to contort your arms enough to get it really well. ask him to please scratch it for you. if he doesn't make a solid effort the first time, you should lift up the back of your shirt and ask him to please not be shy because this itchy mamajama's been bugging you all day.

when next you go out to eat at one of those restaurants where they leave you with a little treat at the end, like a little cookie or a mint, watch closely. you want to be paying attention when your server pulls it out of her apron pocket and places it on the table or check. right before she walks away, she'll always ask, "is there anything else i can get for you?" that's your cue to say, "actually, i'd like a mint that you haven't been carrying around for a few hours in your apron. because (and here is where you pick it up and mush it flat between your fingers) i have an issue with eating snacks that have been melted by your pubic heat."


and with that my friends, i leave you with the hope that you'll make your needs known. don't be shy, don't hold back. they offer, you accept. the world will be a better place for us all.

22 comments:

  1. You cracked me up, especially with the last one!!!

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  2. I'm with Eva, this post cracked me up pretty hard as well. It seems a pretty good idea too, it's definitely a good way to get back at these do gooders who don't really help but try to tell themselves they have.

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  3. It's. So true. Once some nice older ladies with a local church came to our house to witness to us
    upon finding out we were already Christians they asked if there was anything they could pray for us about. My response was "yes we want to start a family and are having a difficult time so we would appreciate prayer in that area". You should have seen the look of shock on their faces and they just turned and walked back up our driveway without another word.

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  4. I love your answers!!! May have to use one or two. My son has developed a habit of asking me if he can do anything for me. As soon as I name something, he immediately remembers his homework needs to be done. Who can trump the homework card?!?

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  5. I could see myself doing the bank one. I may try that, I'll let you know.

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  6. That's funny.
    My sister used to say the same thing about people asking, but never really wanting to know.
    Those are great comebacks.

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  7. I actually have answered the "How are you doing today?"

    Instead of answering, FINE..I have given them the truth. Which is usually something completely rotten. I have done that simple cuz life at the moment was bad and I was pissed off they asked me such a dumb question without wanting to know the truth.

    Let me tell you, they stand there gaping. They get uncomfortable, and wish they never asked.

    Some have been so visibly shocked that it makes me cheer up for the rest of the day. hahahhhhaaaa.

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  8. I'm with Jo. Nothing beats a pubically (NOTE: NOT a real word) heated Little Andes chocolate mint.
    Unless it comes from a dude. Then, I don't even leave a tip.
    So, does this mean when I go to the "Information Booth" at the mall, I can ask, "What's the Gross National Product of Iran-besides Iranians?" and "Seriously, what's that whole Octo-Mom deal about?"

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  9. hilarious, Sherilin! Do you know that spot in the middle of my back is ALWAYS ITCHY. Always.

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  10. I can't tell you how many times someone has made me come into a fitting room to wrestle them out of a too-small top or dress. Sooooo nasty!

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  11. "i have an issue with eating snacks that have been melted by your pubic heat." omg laughed til I cried!

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  12. I am now picturing the little ole lady that I just saw at Walmart tonight. Bless her heart.... I don't think she would have been able to stand there and take what I would have dished out to her.

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  13. This. Is. Awesome. And I laughed when you mentioned the bank teller thing; I've got a funny story for you. At my local bank, they don't just ask if there's anything they can do for you, they've started asking "is there anything more that I can do to make your trip more excellent?" This started last week.

    That took me by surprise, so I laughed at the girl and told her she had been pretty good, but to be EXCELLENT she'd need to sing me a song. There in a crowded bank I coerced her into singing 'you are my sunshine my only sunshine' while I 'conducted.'

    And after, I thanked her for a most 'excellent' experience.

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  14. So funny! I would love to pop out with something like that to a few choice people. I might just give it a try!

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  15. I used to be annoyed by those people that were always asking and seemingly willing to help...maybe I have had it wrong all this time.

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  16. This was not only seriously hilarious, but it was right on the money too! Bravo, enjoyed it immensely!

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  17. It took me a long time to realize that when people say things like "if there's anything I can do..." they fully expect that the next line is "thank you".

    Had someone at a restaurant with a PACKED lobby come by and apologize for the wait and then say "if there's anything I can do". I said, "well, my reservations were for a half-hour ago and it's really hot in here. If you could send someone around with water, that would be nice." Insert major hemming and hawing here, after which he sais, "well, I can't do that." I said, "well what'dya ask for then?"

    I followed it up with a letter to management. Got two free meals out of it. :-)

    Pearl

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  18. I have wanted to do all of these things so many times! Maybe I will start now! haha

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  19. That was absolutely hilarious! And since you gave me such a good laugh, I feel I owe you something in return. So, if you need anything, just let me know...

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  20. OMG, heated by pubic heat. That was great. You know not the heating part, ah, you know what I mean.

    I can't stand that saying. Why can't they just say, "have a nice day!" and leave it at that?

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  21. I'm a shop keeper in Sydney and often I say "Hi, Can I help you?" only to have the customer burst into tears and reply "I've got bone cancer" or "My baby died." By comparison a simple back rub would be a pleasure.

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don't let me be the only one doing the talking around here. spill your guts!