Thursday, January 13, 2011

crusty deliciousness

i was hanging out with a good friend the other day, having dinner & eating all the cookies in the house. because, well, because she's pregnant & is free to eat to her little heart's content & not to be outdone, i felt the need to consume as many as she did, you know, so she wouldn't feel embarrassed or lonely in her snickerdoodle frenzy. and while we were busy eating a whole pan of ziti and about 15 cookies, i remembered a story back from my own days as the knocked up chick.

chris had taken me to macaroni grill to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary and we'd taken full advantage of the unlimited bread they bring to the table. i'm not sure how many crusty little loaves we consumed, but i'm sure it was more than the average amount for a table of two.

we had a long, leisurely dinner of happy chatting & relaxed laughs, enjoying some of the few moments left before we would be carting around a baby and piles of equipment of every kind. just us & my purse and large quantities of food.

as the meal finished up i realized that i wasn't just full, i was pregnant full; meaning, baby was in the place where all the food needed to land & i found myself needing to lean waaaayy backwards to try to accommodate everything that was jockeying for position in my gut region. i felt my stomach gurgle - right behind my left breast. baby was kicking & rolling & making things decidedly more uncomfortable, but in all fairness, she was probably just trying to find a position where 4 loaves of bread & a pound of pasta and cream sauce weren't sitting directly on her head.

chris helped to haul my huge ass up off the bench i was wedged onto and i very slowly wound my way through the restaurant toward the door. i was wearing a long green dress & i was leaning back with one hand on my lower back & one hand flapping around out front, trying to keep my balance. i noticed that i got a whole lot of stares from our fellow diners and it was going beyond the usual, "whoa, that's a lot of belly" kind of looks. it was like i'd reached the point of shock & awe and i wasn't sure that i liked it. by the time we reached the exit, i'm sure i had a snarky scowl on my face because i was very uncomfortable and i was tired of getting the circus freak eye from so many different people.

as we were walking to the car, i mentioned to chris about the rude staring & that's when i looked down at my giant stomach and realized - my entire belly was covered in a massive quantity of bread crumbs. like imagine this stomach














with this entire loaf of bread broken up into little bits of crusty deliciousness and strewn willy nilly around my grotesquely swollen flesh shelf.

i finally understood why i was getting so many peculiar stares from the other folks in the restaurant. so i did the only sensible thing at that point & proceeded to eat all those yummy little bits from my dress because it would be a shame to let such culinary beauty go to waste.

24 comments:

  1. I'd have eaten all that goodness right off the shelf, too! Gotta love a good shelf story. Front or back, they're both funny.

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  2. Na, forget them... the pregnant belly doubles as a plate - so crumbs are to be expected. lol.

    adventuresinestrogen.blogspot.com

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  3. That's too funny. I don't go to Macaroni Grill anymore 'cause of that damned wine bottle they leave on the table.....it keeps refilling my glass!

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  4. hmmmm... i am not even pregnant and my stomach gets those kind of looks! l

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  6. I liked reading that! Funny!

    I liked it so much I'm prepared to overlook your lack of capital letter at the beginning of sentences!

    What a shame there is no video of the incident.

    (got it right at the second attempt)

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  7. oh those TREACHEROUS, TRAITOROUS crumbs!!! How about when you're NOT pregnant, and there they are on your front???

    There's nothing even as remotely exciting sounding as a 'macaroni grill' around here!

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  8. I could set a plate of toast on my belly, standing up.

    When I was sitting, I could set a plate of toast AND a cup of tea on my belly. Like a handy little table in case the actual dining table couldn't hold enough food.

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  9. Oh man, I feel like I shouldn't guffaw quite as heartily at preggers you as I just did, but man, I have SO been the one covered in crumbs.

    It's really distressing when I realize it wasn't even entirely from MY meal. Oy!

    Alicia {ProtoDoom.com}

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  10. ahahahahaha! i'm laughing so hard right now- and it hurts so much!

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  11. ahahahahaha! i'm laughing so hard right now- and it hurts so much!

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  12. Your omission of capital letters makes me HAPPY!!

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  13. oh, pregnancy moments! :D

    Great belly photo, btw!

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  14. so happy to have found you here, in blogland! You've made me laugh out loud, until I cried! Thanx for your real-life stories! I can't wait to read more of your blog!

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  16. So funny!! Tickled me pink there:-)

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  17. Sherilin - You makka me laff.

    I have always wondered what the hand on the back and the arm in front flapping away meant...just never asked. Thought it was a Hey - you guys might want make me some room there and there and especially over there.

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  18. burkulater, i'm glad i'm not the only one who's not too proud to eat crumbly bits off my clothes.

    lady estro, agreed. there should be no shame in the crumblage. i bet w/ your twins, you had extra shelf space on your front!

    eva, that wine bottle is conspiring against your sobriety. i'm sure of it!

    tracy, i don't believe it for a moment! i think you're a svelte & stylish princess who only gets looks of admiration & perhaps jealousy.

    sym, thank God there's no video of the event because i would have been forced to inflict on the youtube world because, as you all know, tmi is what i do best & oversharing at my own expense goes with the territory. and i just can't capitalize. i hate to when i type because it cramps my style.

    karen, when you're not preg & the crumbs are on your front, it's generally the boobs that are the culprits. i get that a lot too. mac grill, not that exciting, but definitely yummy!

    chelle, i'm impressed! i never risked it with a drink, only plates & bowls. or cartons of ice cream...

    alicia, feel free to guffaw. i'd rather be laughed at than be invisible.

    meg, victoria, arti & clipped, yay! i strive to make people pee, drool or cry. it's a gift. =)

    carrie, thank you & love that you can accept me, in spite of my imperfect writing.

    creatingme, pregnancy moments are the best. i don't want any more kids, but i wouldn't mind being pregnant again.

    sempre, um... huh? i think you're going to need to just keep waiting for that visit & donation. and keep your hug.

    kipp, i'm glad i could enlighten you on the arm flap. but i kinda prefer your version of what it's for better. lol!

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  20. Crummy post! Seriously, I've often done the gaze in awe thing probably cuz I never tried pregnancy myself. Crumbs would add interest for sure!

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  22. That is too funny i used to hate it when crumbs got all over my tummy too!!

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  23. I can't believe people were giving you looks. Don't they know pregnant women get a pass for stuff like that?? The belly gets blocks the lap napkin so of course food is going to land and stay there!

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