how to give eye drops to a kid

have you ever had to give a kid eye drops? when they were awake? i'm not sure if it would be easier to sneak up on a sleepily unsuspecting kid & drop them in then, but when my girl is awake & needs a drop, all hell is about to break loose up in this mutha.

i decided that maybe i should put together a manual to help any of you who might ever need to do this because it is a much more daunting task than one might imagine.

1. determine that your kid really does have some sort of eye problem that's bad enough to need drops, but not bad enough to need professional medical attention. as in, is the kid crying and/or holding dastardly eye with hand for extended period of time, but the eye isn't shooting blood? could it have gotten something, like oh, possibly ashes from a campfire in it? ok then, proceed to the next step.

2. get some saline drops. not visine or other form of drops known for getting the redness out. those can burn & cause more shrieking from the wounded animal  child. the saline really feels like nothing more than tears in the eye & won't hurt, so don't believe the animal child if they claim that drops will make it worse.

3. position yourself & the child into an open space so that any flailing or jerking will not cause further injury to either party.

4. lay child onto his/her back while keeping the bottle of saline close at hand.

5. sit on your child's chest so that the arms are pinned down & cannot slap, beat, pinch or choke you. be careful not to sit so hard that you cut off child's air, no matter how much they struggle & piss you off scream pernicious things ask you to kindly remove yourself.

6. take a deep breath & sing a happy song in your head to counteract the screaming & kicking that is most likely now occurring. focus on the end goal. you can do this.

7. using your left hand, gently push the child's head to one side so that the vexatious eye in on top. hold it firmly in place with your forearm.

8. grab that saline bottle with your right hand.

9. try to maneuver the fingers of your left hand to the eye area & get ready to pry the eyelids apart as soon as you drop the juice in the eye socket vicinity.

10. aim that bottle at the rotten eye in question & give a big squirt. most of the fluid will likely fly around the child's face and floor around the head because of the struggling & screaming & your lack of proper aiming technique, but this isn't the time for precision. just get it in there!

11. left hand PRY. get those eyelids pulled far enough apart that at least one drop makes its way into the eyeball. this is a very important step because if none of it gets into the eye, you will have to repeat the whole process again and most likely the child will be even more irate than he/she was for the first round.


12. release your grip on your child and quickly move away for long enough to determine if there will be any immediate retaliation. when you feel sure that your child will not pummel you for this kindly service you just provided, scoop up said child for some hugs & sweet murmurings while wiping the remnants of 1/2 cup of saline solution off of his/her head & neck with your shirt.
 
13. drink wine and vow you'll make your kid wear safety goggles all day, every day to prevent the necessity of ever having to repeat steps 1 thru 12.
 
you're welcome.